How to leave the guilt behind

[LeafBud7]

I've always struggled with overthinking and negative thinking. I separated from my ex almost a year ago in Feb, after a horrendous Christmas 2022. We had been together for 14 yrs, 12 of those living together, with 50/50 split of his 2 kids from his previous marriage (they are now aged 20 and 19), and our own daughter is now 10 yrs. I had gone into the relationship feeling positive about being a step parent, but the dynamics just never really worked and as the 2 step kids got older things just seemed to get worse. And my relationship with my ex got more strained, finally he said he wanted to split up. Our daughter lives mostly with me but sees him as much as is practical (about 2 nights a week) as he lives in a different city. Now that 2023 is drawing to a close I feel like I've spent the whole year dissecting my own part in this failed relationship, analysing the reasons my step kids are not ok with me etc. I feel paralysed in this self flagellation! How to move on? How to stop blaming myself? How long does it take?

Poor you.

Firstly, try to be kind to yourself. I married a lovely man who had 3 teenage kids from his first marriage. I had a son from mine. I was so excited to marry into a family which would give my own son siblings and my husband was a wonderful father with his own kids. What could possibly go wrong?

All of it! Within weeks, his youngest daughter was a very unhappy teen. I was so wanting it to work that I tried very very hard to keep the marriage going.

After 17yrs together, we divorced. His kids (at various times) were barely able to speak to me, ignored me, were openly hostile at times and just generally, it went from bad to worse. It made me so anxious in their company and I ended up on antidepressants.

I’m still sad at the end of the marriage but honestly, I cannot fault how I was with them. My exDH would say it absolutely wasn’t any thing I did or didn’t do. He wasn’t proud of their behaviour often and to say it soured our marriage, would be a huge understatement.

Don’t beat yourself up. If you know you tried your very best, try to hand on to that.

Maybe see a good therapist if you have the cash. They can help build you up and teach you strategies that may help with your life as a whole if you tend to overthink.

Try thinking how else can I see this? Try giving yourself more compassion, like you would a friend. I think those of us with harsh inner critics are easy to self blame.

Dealing with step kids can be a mare and very complicated in terms of family dynamics. It is a situation some enter in to and realise it’s just too tough to take so at least you gave it a go and did your best. What more could reasonably be expected?

A certain amount of analysing stuff helps us learn and grow so try not to beat yourself up about that either. Maybe focus it what is important to you next time around with your next partner.

Also sometimes I think there are exes involved stirring the pot and manipulating children’s feelings, and sometimes children just act out because of their own struggles. Sometimes parents (particularly dads) have crappy boundaries with their kids due to guilt which creates a mess. Whatever factors were at play with your ex and your step kids, many factors undoubtedly were not your responsibility and are not yours to own.

Definitely @Tosca23 Exes have a good deal to answer for. I could never understand how his ex wanted him back. She’d had a quite long affair, refusing to give up the other man. I think it all backfired when the other man refused to leave his family for her. Then, she wanted her own ex back.

He’d moved on. I wasn’t his transition partner. I came along years later but oh God, the aggro. My then DH and I went from the joy of being newly weds and straight into years and years of unhappy adult step kids. Nothing could have prepared me for what I endured.

The lovely “family atmosphere” was wiped out within weeks. I was sick with anxiety on how on earth to move forward.

OP @Tosca23 gives excellent advice.