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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Fair split?

14 replies

Sotired1234567 · 26/12/2023 21:29

Please is anyone able to advise. I am in the process of leaving my husband who’s emotionally draining the life out of me. I have 2 children age 14 and 16 who don’t want anything to do with him. He’s refusing to leave the house and I’m worried how long the whole process is. Our pensions are about equal and don’t have much savings. Have around 400,000 equity in the house. I earn approximately £55000, recently reduced from about £85000 because I need to care for my SEN son. He earns around £28000. He says he won’t be able to afford child maintenance which I would accept if I got a larger portion of the equity. I will have to look after one child potentially for ever and he won’t be contributing at all. I need a 3 bedroom and he only needs one. Any idea what the likely outcome is if we go through a solicitor? Thanks.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 26/12/2023 21:34

Are they his children?

Original poster
Sotired1234567 · 26/12/2023 21:34

Oh yes, sorry, they are.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 26/12/2023 21:35

Why does he only need 1?
his needs are the same as yours unless he never plans to have children overnight?

yiure probably looking at Near 50:50’split

snd you can’t offset cms with more assets as after 12 months you can open a cms case so he’d be advised never ever to agree to that

why won’t he be contributing? Why can’t he help with care?

Original poster
Sotired1234567 · 26/12/2023 21:39

Because they will never be at his house. He has alienated them and they don’t want anything to do with him now. They wont go in the car with him, he’s ruined so much. I don’t want to go into everything here but we are better off without him. I have tried to make things better but I can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sotired1234567 · 26/12/2023 21:40

He doesn’t want to go through the solicitors, just wants to sort it between us. He didn’t open the letter he received.

OP posts:
thelonemommabear · 26/12/2023 21:41

As previous poster said you can't permanently give up your right to CMS this way - you could go back in 12 months and open a claim and there isn't anything he could do - I earnt more than you and my ex earnt less than yours and was advised the same by a solicitor. I have walked away with a lot more equity than my ex no pension sharing (mine are worth x10 his) and he'll likely only ever be able to afford a 1 bed. His choice. But I was a"lucky" in that my ex just agreed everything I tabled as an offer. Had he got a solicitor the outcome would most certainly have been different - and not in my favour

Original poster
Sotired1234567 · 26/12/2023 21:42

I want him to have enough that is fair, I’m not trying to get more than I would be entitled to. But essentially I will be responsible for them for ever and the maintenance payments are only until 18 and they will not be independent at 18 or much much older if ever

OP posts:
Original poster
Sotired1234567 · 26/12/2023 21:45

@thelonemommabear did you use a solicitor then. How do you go about it if it’s just an agreement yourself? Or did your solicitor suggest an amount.

OP posts:
thelonemommabear · 26/12/2023 22:22

I had a solicitor but ex never bothered to get one. I sat down with a calculator and worked out what I could "afford" in the sense that I could keep the family home and so as not to financially impact the children too much. I also wanted to ensure I walked away with my pensions. I talked to my solicitor whether he thought a judge would sign the split off. The solicitor didn't help me come up with a number. (I wanted to keep legal fees as low as possible) He said worth a go. Then I completed the D81 form and had ex sign. I also gave some narrative as to how we (I) reached the split - mainly that two of my children were only a year old (twins) my childcare bills are £2k per month and that wouldn't continue for years (even before/after school will be £1k a month), that he refused to maximise his income and could earn more but chose not too and that I would be extending the mortgage past retirement age to fund the equity payment to him therefore I would need all my pensions. And also realistically it will be me that supports them in adulthood. Also that ex wasn't seeking any overnight stays with the children for the foreseeable future. Ex signed it. Not sure he really read it to be honest. All he was interested in was the number at the bottom - for someone earning £20k or so a year a £60k divorce settlement sounds a lot I suppose. The solicitor wrote the financial consent order. Court signed it off. Solicitor also has written into the consent order that the £60k isn't payable for 3 years too

Rainbowqueeen · 26/12/2023 22:47

What would a one bedroom cost and what would a 3 bedroom cost? I’d start there.

throughgrittedteeth · 26/12/2023 22:57

Sotired1234567 · 26/12/2023 21:29

Please is anyone able to advise. I am in the process of leaving my husband who’s emotionally draining the life out of me. I have 2 children age 14 and 16 who don’t want anything to do with him. He’s refusing to leave the house and I’m worried how long the whole process is. Our pensions are about equal and don’t have much savings. Have around 400,000 equity in the house. I earn approximately £55000, recently reduced from about £85000 because I need to care for my SEN son. He earns around £28000. He says he won’t be able to afford child maintenance which I would accept if I got a larger portion of the equity. I will have to look after one child potentially for ever and he won’t be contributing at all. I need a 3 bedroom and he only needs one. Any idea what the likely outcome is if we go through a solicitor? Thanks.

This is exactly what my dad did with his ex wife, my siblings were a similar age to yours too. He didn't take any of the equity though, they paid off shared debts and he didn't pay any CM. He did, however, have my siblings for tea almost every day after school (their mum worked later than him) and alternate weekends.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/12/2023 23:47

If he ignores solicitors letters and it goes to court, it will just go on without him and you're more likely to get what you're looking for from the split as he won't be there to put forward his case.

millymollymoomoo · 27/12/2023 08:58

As others state

look at
price of 3 bed
price of 1 or 2 beds

what mortgage you can get
what equity there is and if split 50:50 does that get you a 3 bed ( with mortgage) dies 60:40? Do you need most the equity? If so, how is he housed etc et

obvs you don’t want to into it here but if he wanted to see the children and have overnights a court unlikely to prevent them ( may require transition time)

he is on pretty low income, will be expected to pay cms and will have lower mortgage raising ability , that will be offset in some degree by your responsibility regarding children particularly if this goes beyond 18 and into adulthood

he can’t opt out of cns though ( although won’t be massive on his salary)

Original poster
Sotired1234567 · 27/12/2023 12:31

Thank you so much everyone for the helpful comments. I will have a think about things.

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