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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Anyone else waiting to get through Christmas before bringing up divorce?

16 replies

Stuckandunhappy · 21/12/2023 14:59

Just that really... I had planned to discuss separation with DH a couple of weeks ago when there was supposed to be a rare evening with both kids out of the house, however something came up and it never happened.

We had a brief chat last week where we both acknowledged that the relationship is not good, but I couldn't bring myself to say I wanted a divorce. He suggested we should perhaps look into marriage counselling but I feel it's at least 2-3 years too late. Not sure if I should agree to it just to make it feel like we have tried everything. I struggle to even be in the same room with him and just want to get the process started. There has been years of emotional abuse, but he has now finally realised that something has changed and has actually been a lot nicer to me these past couple of months, but for me it's just too little and too late.

Anyone else just waiting now?

OP posts:

sososadaboutthis · 21/12/2023 15:10

This was me last month, but the waiting really got to me and made me anxious, and I ended up telling him one evening when he asked me directly if "we were ok". It was for the kids sake that I wanted to wait..now we're in a horrible limbo of being separated but cohabiting and having to pretend everything is normal for the kids sake. If you're able to hold out you might feel better doing it afterwards, but I guess it depends on what his reaction is likely to be and how it will affect the children...? Good luck xx

sososadaboutthis · 21/12/2023 15:11

I've agreed to do some counselling, but not to try and fix things, just to try and get us to a place where we can communicate and make joint decisions rationally.. again, for the kids sake x

Original poster

Stuckandunhappy · 21/12/2023 15:51

@sososadaboutthis well done for telling him, this wait is horrid. How did hour husband take it?

Iam determined now to not ruin the Christmas for the kids as not sure how he will react, although hopefully after last week's conversation it won't come as a complete surprise. I also have the horrid separated but co-habiting limbo to look forward to, neither one of us can afford to move out or buy the other one out,so will have to put the house on the market, just hoping he will agree to this. Either way it will take months, but hopefully not years.

Have you already filled in the divorce application? I have been looking at it online but not started filling it in yet.

Perhaps the kind of counselling you are doing is sometng we may have to do as well, just want to do what's best for the kids and would like to keep things as amicable as possible.

OP posts:

sososadaboutthis · 21/12/2023 18:10

Stuckandunhappy · 21/12/2023 15:51

@sososadaboutthis well done for telling him, this wait is horrid. How did hour husband take it?

Have you already filled in the divorce application? I have been looking at it online but not started filling it in yet.

Perhaps the kind of counselling you are doing is sometng we may have to do as well, just want to do what's best for the kids and would like to keep things as amicable as possible.

He took it very badly, threatened suicide etc. but although he's grieving the relationship now he does seem to have accepted it. We found an organisation in our area who offer both relationship counselling, divorce counselling and mediation, so I'm hoping we can move to mediation soon. I am waiting to bring up the divorce application during counselling as that feels.safer. I'm not sure he'd be able to deal with that as well right now.
Well done for being brave and moving forwards. I hope you manage a good Christmas xx

Original poster

Stuckandunhappy · 21/12/2023 19:38

@sososadaboutthis oh sorry to hear that, that's so awful. Glad he's come around. That's what I am also most worried about as my husband has MH and other health issues and is very dependent on me, I just can't take that anymore, especially as there is emotional abuse as well.

I spoke to a solicitor back in October and she gave me some details of solicitor-mediators, out finances are very complex so need to see someone who knows what they're doing. But should probably see a relationship counsellor as well.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas too, well as good as can be considering.xx

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Ghostlyglow · 23/12/2023 18:18

Yes. I'm absolutely terrified to say anything because of how I fear he will react and also because I have no friends or family to support me and nowhere to go.

Original poster

Stuckandunhappy · 23/12/2023 18:33

@Ghostlyglow sorry to hear you are in the same situation, so terrifying and anxiety inducing. I also have no family support but have a couple of good friends I could possibly turn to if things get really bad.

Even wondering whether to pack a few things for myself and the kids in case we have to go and stay in a hotel or something, but I also have two cats which I wouldn't want to leave behind. Does your husband expect anything at all or will it be a complete surprise?

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Ghostlyglow · 23/12/2023 19:10

@Stuckandunhappy a complete surprise. I've been unhappy for a long time and scared to say anything. I confided in a family member the other day, I've been isolated from them for years, and he basically told me I'm on my own. Not been allowed friends or even to do anything on my own. Won't even have the chance to pack a few things in secret. I'm desperate now, but I got myself in this situation I suppose.

Ghostlyglow · 23/12/2023 19:12

@Stuckandunhappy I have some savings and wonder if I should just run but I resent the thought of being left with nothing at all. What a mess

YoBeaches · 23/12/2023 21:29

@Ghostlyglow have you considered contacting woman's aid, they have lots of support available to help you through it given you feel so isolated. I think they could help you a lot.

Good luck to all of you... life will be better for you on the other side of this x

Original poster

Stuckandunhappy · 23/12/2023 21:29

@Ghostlyglow so sorry to hear you're in this position, and what a horrible thing for your relative to say! I may be making wild assumptions here but is your husband controlling or abusive, or both? If that's the case you will be better off in the long run, without a doubt. Stay strong, we can do this!!xx

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Ghostlyglow · 24/12/2023 17:23

@Stuckandunhappy thank you. Yes, we can do this. I'm not in a hurry. Going to take it slow if I can, get organised. He is controlling, yes. He doesn't even seem to know he is.
Didn't mean to hijack your thread. I'm rooting for you. Sending hugs and I hope the Christmas period is at least bearable x

Ghostlyglow · 24/12/2023 17:24

@YoBeaches thank you. I will look into it x

WhatAMessAgain123 · 24/12/2023 18:28

@Stuckandunhappy how old are
your children? Are you tied to the area for schools / work?

Goingsomewhere · 24/12/2023 20:00

Yes me. I've been thinking about it for a while. He's currently sulking and not spoken to me for nearly 3 days and I've reached my limit with this miserable existence.

Original poster

Stuckandunhappy · 25/12/2023 08:50

@Ghostlyglow It' a good thing you're not in a hurry, gives you time to be well prepared. Have you spoken to a solicitor? I still have a lot of homework to do to learn more about the whole process.

@WhatAMessAgain123 we have two kids, one in secondary (y8) and one still in primary. I would love to move somewhere further out, currently live fairly close to a city centre but I have friends and family in a market town 30-40 min drive away, they have excellent schools there too. But can't even consider uprooting the oldest so stuck with having to find somewhere to live in this city and it's very expensive here. Could afford quite a bit more in that market town but the older DC would hate it there.

@Goingsomewhere So sorry to hear that you are in this same situation. My DH also started sulking last night, didn't even come down for dinner even though we had a visitor, was quite embarrassing. Tired of living like this too.

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