Divorce when ex is another nationality?

[Parmaviolet1719]

Hi everyone, my situation is fairly specific and I’m hoping to find someone who has been through something similar.

I’m getting divorced from my husband and it’s turning quite nasty and likely heading to court (we had been doing mediation). We have 2 daughters age 7 and 4 And share care 50/50. Ex is American and wants to take the children back there on holidays, at Christmas etc. latest letter from his solicitor states that he wants half the holidays, and the right to take them to America whenever he fancies in his time (it seems to imply this would be for up to3 weeks in summer!) at the moment the kids go back and forth on a 2-2-3 schedule which works well. Youngest daughter has a disability which amongst other things makes her emotionally young for her age, and she’s very closely attached to me. My question is, in court, what are they likely to decide in terms of him taking them to America? And just split of time generally in school holidays? I said he could take them for a week in summer but he doesn’t think that’s good enough. So far, the longest they’ve been with him is 5 nights in a row and littlest got upset and was crying for me. He doesn’t let them call me. I want to fight to stop him taking them there for too long of a trip, but am worried he’ll crush me in court because he’s got all the money he needs for the best representation, lots of clever friends and family, and I have no idea what I’m doing and very limited funds. Thank you.

How has he left you penniless? You were married right?

I would try and compromise, say 10-14 days until they are a little bit older. This shows you’re being flexible.

Sorry to judge but do you see anything wrong with staying in a relationship just because you are scared how you would cope on your own and want to use that person emotionally when you actually don't want the relationship? Sorry to judge but that's just off

@bringmelaughter thank you very much. I’m also surprised about the responses, I’m not sure everyone would feel they same if it were their children. And I think you’re right, perhaps this wasn’t the best place to ask this question. Thank you for your kind response anyway.

@FPCculture its obviously much more complicated than that in reality, but I don’t feel the need to explain everything as it isn’t relevant to my question. If you’re looking for someone to judge, maybe save it for the guy who kept repeatedly cheating on his wife, even after she was diagnosed with cancer.

We’re still married. He left me and hasn’t sent any financial support, left me to pay the mortgage myself etc when I don’t have a job. It’s amazingly easy for a man to do it. I’ll have to fight in court to get anything from him, which in itself costs a fortune. It’s obviously insane, but no one cares, they can do it and get away with it.

After she got cancer ? Yeah like that makes someone immune to being cheated on. What the actual hell

Some of the comments on here! OP I’m so sorry about your diagnosis. I am in the same boat as you although not getting divorced but I know how tough it is. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with your shit bag ex as well as the cancer. I’m also surprised at the comments wrt your children being away from you for so long. My DD who is 5 would really struggle with that especially if she wasn’t allowed to speak to me.

Well you don’t seem sorry to judge! Ridiculous comment! Try having incurable cancer & think about how you’d cope.

@Whereismycat thank you ❤Some people just completely lack empathy when they’re sat behind a screen.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's brutal.

A few things jump out at me though -

1. have you started divorce proceedings, ie. petitioned, because if not, I would do so asap as you could have a jurisdiction race on your hands (where he attempts to start proceedings in the US which will undoubtedly be more favourable to him and disadvantage you).
2. claim for CMS now - if he is a high earner he may need to pay child maintenance to you
3. you can apply to court as a litigant in person (you can still seek legal advice in the background and you could also contract a McKenzie Friend to support you at hearings) for financial remedy proceedings and I would do this if he is a bully and likely to try to manipulate the situation/ play games. He will have to do a complete financial disclosure as part of the court process - 12 months of accounts, payslips, P60 etc.
4. you can apply to court immediately for maintenance pending suit, again as a litigant in person - if there is a big disparity in earnings he will v likely be ordered to support you with spousal maintenance and I would imagine your illness would be a factor the court would very much bear in mind if it impacts your ability to earn
5. I'm less knowledgeable about child proceedings but the priority in all things will be stability for the children. Your role and ability to evidence yourself as primary carer will be key (do you do school runs/ take to doctors/ primary emergency contact/ recipient of child benefit etc.) again with your illness I would imagine the court would if anything favour a more Uk based arrangement for shared care. The children's UK schooling and your support structure locally will also be key as will the additional needs for your child. Everything you do now should be with this in mind - evidencing your primary role in meeting their needs. If you communicate with your ex in writing do it not for him/ in expectation of a reasonable response but as if you are preparing evidence for a hearing. Keep to the relevant points that move you forwards.

Please trust in the system to protect you. A fair outcome is not always 50-50 for finances or child arrangements. A fair outcome in your circumstances for your family might look very different. It's far from perfect but my own experience as a LiP was that, despite a very high earning ex who could afford top notch barristers, the judge ultimately sided with me and the needs of the children and we got the greater amount of equity and were able to stay in the family home until they finished education. This was a far better outcome than he proposed in mediation (total waste of time!).

All the very best. You are stronger than you think.

I think you need to push for no limits on calls to the absent parent and from the absent parent, within reason, and this should include a daily call if that's what the parent or children want. Additionally, the parent who is with them needs to not hover or listen to calls or quiz the children about topics discussed.

If your ex were divorcing in the US, he would be faced with this sort of clause in any custodial agreement, and if he objected, the judge would rightly suspect that he was using possession of the children as a weapon against you. The fact that he doesn't bother contacting them while you have them shows his game here. He's not actually interested in parenting. He just wants to avoid child support and keep you anxious.

I think agreeing to allow him to call the children and for the children to call him any time within reason (calls not to last hours and a maximum of one or two a day would be reasonable) with the same phone access for you would be perfectly reasonable. The children are young, after all.

I think you may have to give way over the three week trip to the US and every other Christmas. You could argue that the children's social lives, extracurriculars, and part-time jobs when theyre teens, would suffer, if this were to be ordered, and I think this is the best argument because the allocation of time with each parent has to be in the best interests of the children, not hugely disruptive to them, and not just a matter of the parent's convenience.

Arguing that they would be homesick or miserable is a criticism of ex's parenting and character, and would be dismissed by the judge because you have nothing solid to offer as evidence for this or evidence that this would be massively detrimental to them - and frankly, a father is going to get access to children even if he tries boiling them alive, in the presence of witnesses. Merely missing mum (though horrible for the children) would not be grounds for a judge to say no.

But he is being massively unreasonable in refusing to let the children contact you and you contact them when they're with him. Fight for the right of unlimited and private contact between the children and the other parent when they're apart. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander here. (And again, if he were to divorce in the US, he would have to accept this).

Why would I be sorry? Posting on public forum for people's views opens you up to any opinions ,even the ones you don't agree with or the ones you considering judgmental. Either you live in la La land or don't get how this works.

Why would I try to have cancer? How is that even a normal thing to say? Point is ,just because you have an illness doesn't mean someone should now be loyal to you as opposed to just treating you nice ,in sickness and in health.

OP, most people have posted responses intended to help you deal with what they know is an incredibly difficult situation. They can empathise because they have been threw it and they giving you the benefit of their experience.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in a divorce or child custody battle is to fight futile battles. The reason people do this is because of they are hypersensitive or vigilant to the trauma of the process. But this is a vicious cycle that can lead to a lifetime of acrimony for you and your children.

The letter is for the most part proposing something incredibly reasonable and normal. The school holidays will be split 50:50. Most parents see this as a godsend because it reduces reliance on expensive childcare. Almost all parents change in the routine to block weeks in the holidays to facilitate vacations. Two weeks for a holiday is normal. All of this is incredibly normal and reasonable.

The issue of extended visits to overseas families isn’t even that unusual in the UK. It’s an option he is asking for not a regular entitlement. Fighting this will be a risk because it demonstrates you aren’t willing to constructively co parent. For a judge this means the pair of you will be back in court every year. Judges don’t like this and might make a ruling prevents legal shenanigans.

As to the phone calls. Asking for a regular check in when they are on holiday is fine. But the context of the parental relationship is always relevant. A judge will ask your ex why he doesn’t want this and if this has been tried before. What do you think he will say?

I am not referring to you but in cases of high conflict a judge will take account of the need for one or both parents to protect their privacy and wellbeing from another parent. It can also be very disruptive.

Again ask for access. Again ask for a build up to long holidays but don’t refuse to allow 2 week holidays.

I agree with all of that, @LemonTT
I'd still push for equal rights of both parents to contact and have contact from the children no matter who they're with. She can make it clear that she is perfectly willing to see the children call their father when they're with her and for him to call them. If they're at a schoolmate's party or somewhere else where they can't stop and chat when he calls or when she calls, parent and child can arrange a better time to call.

I am divorced from a deeply unpleasant narcissist and I agree completely with your comment wrt being very alert and reactive, and in a way unable to see the wood for the trees while fighting through the divorce. It was hell, and I'm sorry to say, the fight didn't end with the final settlement. It ended when I got a guardian ad litem appointed for the children, eight years later. A long story for another day..

I agree the OP has to appear reasonable - refusing the 3 week trip to the US would not come across as reasonable.

She needs to bear in mind the usual unconscious prejudice of judges against women and the advantage accorded to men in her approach. Looking reasonable and sensible and able to see that both parents have equal parenting status will take her a long, long way.