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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

So I've finally told him we need to finally separate/divorce

8 replies

indianwoman · 20/12/2023 14:15

So after him putting me off for years saying we will just need to try to be friendly to each other, like that's worked Hmm, I told him it's time to actually do it and because he has a habit of blurting things out when angry and having no filter, I have told the kids aged 12 and 17 that we've made the decision, I don't know what's going to happen next, in an ideal world I wouldn't have told them yet but I don't want dad to blurt it out.

He then told the children that we're breaking up because I'm unhappy, but obviously he hasn't said the reasons why I'm unhappy it's because what he's done to me! so I purposely kept things vague and just said oh that's what we've decided because we don't love each other anymore, but he has obviously gone into great detail that He would be happy to keep things going. It's my decision and basically has told her, you know things he shouldn't have told her.

Do I now go and try and explain why I'm unhappy or just leave it not bad mouthing their dad. I wouldn't say on great details but just give them more details as he obviously has and I don't want to look like the bad one.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 20/12/2023 15:59

Your children don’t deserve this. They are old enough to understand that adult split up because they are unhappy. They don’t have to pick sides.

Speak to your ex and agree this. Both of you decided keep on trying and that’s something you need to own individually and collectively. It’s not something your children are responsible for.

This sounds like childish behaviour on both your parts. It’s incredibly harmful and stress inducing for children.

Original poster
indianwoman · 20/12/2023 16:30

Hang on, I did exactly that. I placed no blame on either party. It's him who has. Now I feel I have to gently say there's a reason I'm unhappy, I'm not going to detail what he did if I do mention it

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 20/12/2023 16:35

Nope. Just be clear to the DC 'We are both unhappy in this marriage. I'm not giving you details of what your father has done, but he's perfectly aware of why we are divorcing. Now, let's get tea on'.

Or something brisk. Only do this if the subject comes up again and he plays the 'victim' card again. Otherwise, just leave it.

TheCatfordCat · 20/12/2023 16:38

Eugh, my STBXH puts too much info on our teen daughter, stuff she really doesn't need to know, and I've told him to stop. He has always treated her more like a mate than a daughter and it drives me up the wall.

I have kept things vague. She knows he's not been very nice to me. I hope in time she'll see him as he really is but I won't badmouth him in front of her. It's really tough but it's the best thing to do at the moment.

LemonTT · 20/12/2023 16:42

At some point one of you should stop weighing them down with the problems in the relationship between you and your ex. It’s already messed up with you telling them separately and then he downloaded on them.

They absolutely know you were unhappy. In general people don’t want to be party to negative stories about their parent. More so if it comes from the other parent. At best it makes them uncomfortable but anxiety and anger are other feelings.

falalalalalalalallama · 20/12/2023 17:32

LemonTT · 20/12/2023 16:42

At some point one of you should stop weighing them down with the problems in the relationship between you and your ex. It’s already messed up with you telling them separately and then he downloaded on them.

They absolutely know you were unhappy. In general people don’t want to be party to negative stories about their parent. More so if it comes from the other parent. At best it makes them uncomfortable but anxiety and anger are other feelings.

Are we reading the same OP?

You seem determined to have a go at the OP for something she's not done, or for her ex's behaviour!

Maybe this isn't the thread for you...

falalalalalalalallama · 20/12/2023 17:44

indianwoman your ex is an arse, but I suspect you don't need me to tell you that.

You've done the telling them bit. As to what happens next, I'd play it by ear if it was me. Are your DC able to tell you how they feel about it? I think trying to make sure I made time and space for my DC to talk to me would be more important than what narrative I give them, if that makes sense?

Original poster
indianwoman · 20/12/2023 18:13

Thank you, for those replies.

I'd told him what I was going to say and I figured he would tell them something that blamed me but I didn't want to argue that in front of them, hence why I spoke to them first. I didn't bad mouth and didn't say any reasons but then he weighed in with his blaming while I wasn't there.

I think the tactic of saying something vague would be best. He's told them I'm unhappy and he's not wanting to split. I just want him to shut up trying to blame me. I won't tell them the reasons why but just want them to know whatever he's said isn't true and there's a reason I'm unhappy.

I'm really annoyed that he's done this but it was predicable, hence trying to head it off initially.

I've asked him not to do it again but he probably will.

OP posts:
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