Scared to rock the boat

[Browniesandcustard]

My H and I have split up and need to divorce.

I have had some legal advice and it’s clear that I need to start the divorce either on my own or as Person 1. I had told him that after his behaviour, that he could divorce me and pay for it but it appears that it would be better the other way round.

I am very scared of rocking the boat. I need him to do a Form E as I think there are assets that I don’t know about and when I mentioned a solicitor and Form E, he immediately upped his offer (regarding house/money). He definitely doesn’t want solicitors involved.

We have some loose guidelines for our separation involving me (and the kids - not his) staying in the house until it is sold, not changing the locks, not contacting in work hours etc and I am scared that he will just go against everything else if I instigate the divorce and ask for the Form E and will also be nasty about it all.

I know I need to put my big girl pants on and do it but I’m scared about it all.

A divorce is inevitable and to do that properly you need to go through certain processes. The most significant elements of a divorce are the need to agree arrangements for co parenting and severing your financial ties. Knowing what the co parenting arrangements are can inform how you financially split.

You will both need to agree on the financial split. If you don’t a court will do it for you. In either case you need to know what the assets are and how the law should be applied in your case. Without this you are not making an informed decision. As a couple you can make any decision you want as long as it is informed.

Judges like to see this has happened. They like to see you have tried to resolve things that can be resolved. They like assurance you got legal advice.

Have a talk with him and explain what you are going to do and why. It will help him too.

I agree with @LemonTT. A divorce is a set of steps you need to go through.

The Form E is a really fundamental part of the financial agreement. You can’t decide how to split finances is you don’t know where all the money is. And as stated above, if a judge sees that this hasn’t been done, there will need to be a very good reason why not.

In your case it sounds like your husband doesn't want you to know because he thinks he will get to keep more of the money.

You just have to accept that he will not like this. My ex was the same, but when he got legal advice realised that it has to be done. My ex said me getting a solicitor was adversarial, until he spoke to one. I believe you can do DIY divorces, but things have to be really really simple and amicable. Look up wikivorce for more info.

If you are like me and leaving because of abusive behaviour, then expect that to ramp up. My ex and I agreed (mostly it was him telling me what he was going to do or what he would allow) about certain things. However he changed his mind and fucked me about so many times, that I stopped relying/believing on anything he said.

He was going to move out, but then didn’t so I moved out. He said I could come back anytime to pick up stuff from the joint owned marital home, but when I did I couldn’t get in because either/or locks were changed or doors were locked from inside. Etc, etc, etc.

It’s coming up to 18 months since we (me) decided to part. He has finally calmed down enough to realise that he can’t make it happen his way.

As you say, woman up, big time. And good luck.

At the end of the day you cannot have a lawyer free divorce. You can have a lawyer light one. But the process is the same. To make it lawyer light you both need to be honest and transparent and willing to compromise. That especially applies to property assets, pensions, savings and investments.

There are lots of areas where you can skimp on accurate valuations and arguing. For example personal items like jewellery and hobby equipment, cars or household items. But you need ball park figures.

And maybe you will have to accept a bit of sneaky behaviour if this gives the other party the sense of a win. But only if you get what you need.

The main point he needs to take on board is that without doing proper disclosure the settlement can forever be reopened. It is not just the lottery win scenario which makes this a risk. It is if the other parties circumstances radically change due to pretty probable life events or they just find out you have a load of premium bonds you didn’t declare.

Thank you - I’ve done it. Appreciate the support so much. Phew.

Please go to ADVICE NOW link at top of this board.
they have detailed guides that will walk you through the process, form E and D81 .cif you for consent orde4crputecyou need to supply D81 at least to court.
you don’t need a solicitor to complete - but failure to disclose all assets is a criminal offence- 2 potentially. Stbex doesn’t get an option on that if you want a financial agreement through courts thst is legally binding. AND you must absolutely have this. It is idiotic to agree financial terms without a legal “sealing” of document by court at time of divorce,
But it needn’t involve huge costs and solicitors bills- not if he doesn’t lie on D81 (or you have no doubts about his assets as he declares them). ADVICE NOW guides walk you through an essentially DIY process using just barest minimal solicitor work where absolutely needed

sounds like you need to download, read, then pass across to stbex so he knows any offers he makes are subject to “fair settlement “criteria in law, and that D81 is compulsory

agree to nothing, discuss nothing in detail until he completes a D81 or form E with ALL his assets and you do same. You need to know what assets you have togther before anyone can agree anything.

juat keep repeating this.

in meantime though either, or both of you, can raise the divorce petition on line- simple, quick, get it going. The financial agreement runs in parallel to the financial agreement, but doesn’t need to delay things.

ADVICE NOW guides are brilliant

You can be sure if he upped his offer, & wants a friendly solicitor free deal, he is trying to shaft you hiding his shekels