STBexDP wants another baby

Whenloveisnotenough · 2023-12-17T18:21:47+00:00

As title says really. We've been on and off for years, I tell him it's over, he acts super nice n I lose sight of why I wanted it to end. We have children together already, he knows I always wanted to have a girl with him and has mentioned this. A part of me loves him still, and always (naively?) Fall for his charm and we end up staying together, the honeymoon stage fades out and the arguments mount up again. It's a vicious cycle, a ride neither of us can seem to get off. I've looked up trauma bonding and that seems to explain what we have. Leaving seems to tear me apart from the inside, it seems to do the same to him. It's painful knowing he's in pain, but i know it's the right thing to leave. Why the fuck is it so damn hard?

Original poster

Whenloveisnotenough · 17/12/2023 18:41

I just need some support, as I don't really have any

OP posts:

RandomMess · 17/12/2023 18:42

He wants another baby to keep you trapped with him. He is happy with a poor relationship or at least doesn't want you to have anyone else.

LaLaLouella · 17/12/2023 18:43

Do not under any circumstances have another baby with this man. It is not good for you and will be a disaster for your children.

Make a plan - be positive - work out how you go forward without him in your life.

Good luck!

vodkaredbullgirl · 17/12/2023 18:44

Don't do it.

Whataretheodds · 17/12/2023 18:45

Tell us about the bad stuff. Tell us why you broke up with him, what was the final straw? What are the things you were relieved to leave behind when you broke up?

Ejismyf · 17/12/2023 18:45

It absolutely doesn't sound like you should bring another child in to this situation when it's so unhealthy and you should definitely split up for the ones you have. You aren't modelling a healthy relationship to them by being on/off and arguing lots. For their sakes I'd split up and use them as the motivation to stay apart so they don't end up in a similar situation when older thinking it's normal.

AdoraBell · 17/12/2023 18:46

Call Women’s Aid and ask about the Freedom programme. As pp said, he only wants another baby to keep you. He is manipulating you.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/12/2023 18:47

Don’t bring another baby into this dysfunctional relationship, also there is no guarantee baby would be a girl.

GrazingSheep · 17/12/2023 18:47

What about the children you already have? The harm you both are causing them may last a lifetime.

Original poster

Whenloveisnotenough · 17/12/2023 18:48

RandomMess · 17/12/2023 18:42

He wants another baby to keep you trapped with him. He is happy with a poor relationship or at least doesn't want you to have anyone else.

I have considered this, he has told me he gets really angry at the thought of me with someone else.
I don't think he'd ever let go of me, he tells me I'm his and will always be his no matter what.

The broken unloved little girl in me can't help but grasp at this kind of love, no-ones ever loved or wanted me as much as he does.

It's fucked up really

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Original poster

Whenloveisnotenough · 17/12/2023 18:50

I won't be having another child with him, the whole situation is just messing with my head

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pikkumyy77 · 17/12/2023 18:50

Try to focus on the children you already have. He could be a good father and ex partner/coparent and if he were a good person. But he is not unselfish enough to do what is right for you even if he doesn’t get the benefit. Don’t bring another child into this, a baby is not a toy and they aren’t a splint for a broken relationship. What if it were a boy again? Would it have been “useless?” What if it were a girl? Would you want your daughter to be as indecisive and self destructive as you are?

RandomMess · 17/12/2023 18:52

That isn't love that control and ownership.

Olika · 17/12/2023 18:55

Don't throw your life away in such a shitty relationship. It's not enough just to love someone. It's also about how he is treating you and if you can be a team and if you are able/willing to support each other being the best versions of yourselves.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 17/12/2023 18:56

Get a dcat. Unconditional love right there....

Original poster

Whenloveisnotenough · 17/12/2023 19:00

Thanks guys, it helps to hear harsh truths when I'm questioning myself so much

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pikkumyy77 · 17/12/2023 19:03

When the relationship is “messing with your head” the safest thing to do is to cut it off and go as low contact as you can to try to get breathing room so you can bring all your wisdom and strength online. You have identified that part of you, that abused and neglected child part of you, easily hijacks your whole self when she thinks a strong demanding man is going to care about her. She hijacks you and you have a hard time accessing your adult parts, like a child salivating when she see’s ice cream your hand reaches for the treat before your adult mind can catch up. Take several steps back from the relationship. Don’t let him talk to you in person, defer phone calls, and push to text. Only respond to factual requests having to do with business/children. This shrinks the location and timing of his seduction and abuse. This makes it easier for you to stay in adult mode. When you are in adult mode you are able to self protect.

JanefromLondon1 · 17/12/2023 19:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Original poster

Whenloveisnotenough · 17/12/2023 19:12

pikkumyy77 · 17/12/2023 19:03

When the relationship is “messing with your head” the safest thing to do is to cut it off and go as low contact as you can to try to get breathing room so you can bring all your wisdom and strength online. You have identified that part of you, that abused and neglected child part of you, easily hijacks your whole self when she thinks a strong demanding man is going to care about her. She hijacks you and you have a hard time accessing your adult parts, like a child salivating when she see’s ice cream your hand reaches for the treat before your adult mind can catch up. Take several steps back from the relationship. Don’t let him talk to you in person, defer phone calls, and push to text. Only respond to factual requests having to do with business/children. This shrinks the location and timing of his seduction and abuse. This makes it easier for you to stay in adult mode. When you are in adult mode you are able to self protect.

Thank you, this is very helpful

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RandomMess · 17/12/2023 19:18

Have you been in contact with womansaid? His threats around you ever being with anyone else are very concerning.

WolfAndBadger · 17/12/2023 19:31

Whenloveisnotenough · 17/12/2023 18:48

I have considered this, he has told me he gets really angry at the thought of me with someone else.
I don't think he'd ever let go of me, he tells me I'm his and will always be his no matter what.

The broken unloved little girl in me can't help but grasp at this kind of love, no-ones ever loved or wanted me as much as he does.

It's fucked up really

Show quote history

That's proper creepy. It's not love he's professing, it's possession. He believes he owns you.

Be very careful with extricating yourself. Once he knows it's for real this time he's likely to kick off big time and could become violent (if he's not already) or a stalker etc.

When you break up he's not in pain from losing you because he loves you, he's angry because he's lost control of something he believes he owns (you). Like if someone stole his iPhone.

He's emotionally abusive, that's what all the arguments are, interspersed with love bombing (or at this stage probably not even that, just acting civil), keeping you trapped in a toxic situation.