Children meeting the OW

[user1469990255]

Hi everyone, I’ve written a few posts on my separation. Long story short, my ex had an affair, he has since admitted they were seeing each other before we split but said nothing physically happened until we split (I don’t believe him - I’ve found out way to many things that say otherwise). He had taken out our DC (DS who is 10 and DD who is 7) with her before we split so they have met her before. Last week he messaged me to say he felt like his life was a mess, he hated work, he missed us and our family. We spoke about what he messaged and that’s when he admitted they had been seeing each other before we split. Anyway, yesterday he messaged me and said he wanted to meet the OW for a bit with the kids. We only separated end of August and told the kids about it in September. He said he would introduce her as a friend to see how they all got on. Is it not really soon to start doing this? Obviously I feel a certain way about this woman so I don’t know if I’m overreacting. 2 weeks ago my DS was crying because he found a photo of the 4 of us from last Christmas. Should we not be giving the kids time to adjust to the fact we aren’t together. The DC obviously don’t know anything about the affair and I would never burden them with that. My DD daughter has a tense relationship with her dad to begin with as they clash. As much as I don’t want this woman involved in my kids lives and I am worried they will enjoy spending more time with their dad and her than me (complete jealously that I know I need to work on), I know I can’t stop it, but I’m concerned this will cause more damage because it’s so soon. They still want us to do things as a 4 and sometimes we are still all in the house together, as we are nesting for now (house up for sale). Their dad stays with them maybe twice a week and sees them one weekend day.

thanks for any advice/experience.

It's something you can really have a say on

It is too soon.

It is Christmas and memories of family customs and meals could be making them anxious.
Your children need to adjust for many more weeks and to settle and feel safe in their new home and routine.

I dont think that you can stop him, but I agree that it is far far too early.

Id just reply to him that it’s his choice but that you think it’s too early for the kids.

I’d also point out that if you split up in September and he introduces them in December when they look back on this as adults they’ll know that he was cheating, even if they don’t recognise that timescale as children.

Nowt like 2 sullen dc to dampen their relationship...

I would ask him how he would feel if you introduced a “friend” to them so soon and see what his response is.

unfortunately you don’t get a choice but I would be gently suggesting you both wait a long while to give the kids chance to adjust.

I also get you wouldn’t burden the children with the affair but you have to be honest with them about what has happened. You just not facilitate his shitty behaviour, you don’t have to give them all the details, or paint your ex in a bad light but they deserve to know the truth.

Thank you. I know I can’t stop him, and I do actually give him brownie points for telling me. Although the fact he took them out with her when we were still together takes away a lot of those brownie points. I just wanted to see if I was overeating because of my feelings about her.

He has lied a lot. Still does lie about him and her - so I’m apprehensive about it all. He said he will meet up and he won’t say anything other than they are meeting up with his friend. I did say that I thought DS would click that this woman started to pop up when their lives were blown up but he doesn’t think they will put that together.

How about a compromise, he waits until after Christmas?

Tell him to wait abit longer its to soon and it puts the kids in a difficult situation. He is probably doing this for convenience as he may not have a babysitter for the times when he has the kids. Its best he has this relationship on his own until he knows its a definitive lasting one. There isn't much you can do about it aslong the kids don't mind you have to explain that to them and say that if there not happy to spend time with him an her then say no. When I separated from my ex I kept my new partner separate from the kids for a few months I didn't meet his kids for 6 months. Even though he had been single for 2 years the mum saw me as a threat and in the last 10 years they don't talk to me at social events it feels really frosty and I believe the mum has poisoned there minds through her own behaviour. Try not to be jealous you must rise above it and focus on yourself go spa get hair done join the gym be positive and show your kids resilience.

I would also ask if he would mind waiting until after Xmas

What I don’t understand is why he is telling you in advance one breath that he is missing you all and his life is a mess but then in the next breath he is asking if the kids can meet the OW?

Do you think he regrets his actions? Does he want to come home?

Oh and I agree with a pp two kids over to him every weekend and for tea during the week so she understands the headache of children and how they will impact their currently child free relationship & lifestyle!!!

Was she single when they met?

As far as I’m aware, she was single yeh.

I don’t know whether he expected to say that and for me to want him to come back. For the past 18 months he’s struggled with mental health and I’ve let him do whatever he felt like he needed to do to get better for the kids, so I feel like he thought this would be the same, but instead I told him he wasn’t the same person to me anymore. He broke my trust and did things that I would never have done. I didn’t know whether me being like that has made him think he needs to family unit so would create it another way? I don’t know.

Clearly you are aware that this is something you cannot control and that this is about influencing how he parents. Wildhorse’s advice to acknowledge it is his decision is right. It is very important to not be part of his decision making here. Then I would avoid saying what he should do but just say what you would do. For example say, I personally want to give the children all my attention and I want them to be centred on me. That is difficult to do if a new person is being introduced and you find this awkward. [in reality this would be an awkward situation all round].

Then repeat it is a decision he must make on his own and that you are separated.

The important point here is that he is doing this anyway and as you point out he has already done it. You don’t need to own or feel responsible for his parenting mistakes.

At this point your mind is not settled to the end of the marriage. The idea that he wants your input and advice is a temptation to the thinking that your old life can be restored. That if you don’t give him this support he will turn to her. But this is irrational. Things that have happened cannot be undone. Do you want to be dragged into his emotional flip flopping. That’s his mindfuck don’t make it yours.

Bottom line is this isn’t him asking permission. It’s him asking you to share the blame for the consequences of a decision he has made. Side step that minefield. You are a good mother who can be on her own. Just say what you would do and maybe why.

Yes it's too soon but if he wants to do it, there's not much you can do about it. My STBX moved straight out of the marital home and into a rental with OW, and they both introduced their children to this new "blended family" set-up within 2 months (against my wishes). All 3 children still dealing with the break-up of their family units and suddenly forced into this new "relationship". It was hideous.

Perhaps remind him that his responsibility is to focus on what’s in the best interest of the children and not what he ’wants’ (ie play happy families with OW).

Thanks everyone. He agreed to wait a bit but I got the impression that he felt I was being a bit over the top.
I am finding this part of it all extremely difficult, my soon to be ex has always worked away so his life hasn’t had to adjust really. Mine has been flipped completely on its head, I’ve started working full time, after being part time for 9 years, I found out my husband had an affair, I have to spend less time with my children . It’s all been a bit much this weekend with bringing the meeting up. Some days I think I’ve really got it, next I’m finding it all incredibly overwhelming.

I would tell the DC the truth in a simple matter of fact way. They will find out at some point. It shouldn't be for people to pretend nothing bad has happened. Nor for you to have to cover for him.