At rock bottom

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Cried everyday for a month, short fuse with my kids, I don't know how many more times I can pick myself back up. I feel broken.

Splitting from emotionally abusive ex, still living in property together as he refuses to leave and I have nowhere else to go. We own it on a joint mortgage. Estate agent says it's unlikely to sell as ex partner has left it in a state from starting an extension 2 years ago that he refuses to finish as he doesn't want me to 'profit' from his 'hard work'. They've valued it really low because of this, and it is just enough to clear off the mortgage and the loan he took against our mortgage to do the building work. I would walk away with £10k at most, which isn't enough to buy anywhere else. Work part time around my preschool age kids, my income is too low and every private landlord I've approached refuses to accept low income/guarantor applications. Will be over the savings threshold to get any help housing benefit wise. Don't think I fit the criteria for a council house because I 'own' a property. Feel like I'm stuck here forever and honestly just don't see a way out of this or me ever getting to be happy with my daughters. Can't keep doing this. Sorry for long and depressing post. Just nowhere else to turn to and feel about ready to give up

You need a plan
in small steps
so that it doesn’t all feel overwhelming

look for
full time work
apply for universal credit ( help also with childcare costs)
start divorce proceedings
apply for cms
put strict boundaries in place with your ex at home

make time for yourself

go for a walk
do some exercise
read a book

research online proceedings etc/ educate yourself on options

don’t feel you have to solve everything in one go

go easy on yourself

Milly mollys advice is good. I can see how difficult your situation is.

I think you need professional advice and there’s a lot of it out there that’s free.

Im divorcing and just had a free phone call with an expert regarding finances from Money Helper. It’s funded by the government to offer unbiased advice. The caller couldn’t have been nicer.

Ive also had an assessment by NHS italk to talk about my mental health. I self referred.

Ive seen other people recommend Women’s Aid, or the Citizens Advice.

it’s difficult when you are at rock bottom to see a way out. I’ve been there. When you are feeling so stressed, it’s hard to commit head space to tackling complicated financial decisions.

If it’s only been a month since you have decided to split /or leave, emotions will be very high for both of you. My soon to be ex was similarly very very angry and made my life hell while we were in the same house.

It’s been a while, but mine eventually calmed down, maybe yours will too in time, but that doesn’t help you in the here and now. If he’s been emotionally abusive, it’s doubly hard to find the emotional strength to keep going. He will have taken all the power from you and feeling powerless drains your body of all motivation to see a way forward.

Please go online today and send an email, or make a call to any organisation that you think can help. Once you start knowing what to do, you will feel more in control and less desperate.

Good luck.

Sometimes in life we are left with nothing but bad options and to move forward you have to pick the least worst one.

Rationally you and your ex should agree to get work done. I would approach this as a business or investment decision. But before you do that you both need to accept that you jointly own the property and the debt. That’s the legal position and if you continue to debate who paid what and when then you are going to be going round in increasingly angry circles that get you nowhere.

It’s a simple equation. You have the house and the materials. Using the materials to complete the house will add value. But someone has to do the work. That can be a contractor or it can be him. He is a complete bastard for not doing it for free but as you are split up you cannot expect anything else. If he did spend x working days he would lose money not earning elsewhere. Agree a fixed fee payable when sold. Finish the extension to a point where it is saleable and you get the optimal profit. You can start marketing the property before decoration or finishing. Buyers will prefer to decorate themselves.

Look into shared ownership in your local area and use the small deposit to rent-buy. The reality is that as a single person you cannot afford to buy on your own. That sucks but it applies to a lot of people. There may be nothing you can do about that NOW given the UK property market. But if it is an aspiration you will need to earn more and save. Which is difficult now because you have young children. But time brings new opportunities and the economy always changes.

Remember for some people to be left with 10k would be a dream. Whilst it seems like a nightmare it isn’t. Renting is increasingly the only option for a large proportion of the population. Legislation and the rental market will change if this embeds. It’s probably just going to become a thing we live with, as they do in lots of Europe.

You can’t stay as you are. Neither can he. You have a mutual objective in amongst all the fighting which is to sell for the most you can get.

You should follow the advice left here by the other commenters. They're right. In case you need it, I leave a link to some organisations that might be able to help you if you're looking for advice from any - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/registered-charities-that-could-help-you/