Really struggling

[Millypad]

My husband ended things nearly 2 years ago, when we we renting a house off his parents in London. The kids (then 1 and 3) stayed on for 6 months and then had to leave, and we couldn't afford anything in London - after a struggle finding a place to rent with UC etc, we were finally accepted on a lovely cottage in the West Country, which is 2 hours away from their dad. Just as we were leaving he expressed a desire to get back together again, but we've put that on hold for now while we both have individual therapy and figure out what's best for all of them. For a while he talked about moving down here to be closer to the kids, but that seems to have disappeared now and I am really struggling single parenting, especially now my oldest has started school and is not enjoying it (she's also on the ADHD/ASD diagnosis pathway - I've been diagnosed with the former and starting the journey on the latter too). I have them all week apart from Fri night - Saturday night. He drives them to London (I have to be fair, he does nearly all of the collection/drop off - he drives and I don't) on Friday night and brings them back Saturday night. (I try often to be at my parents which is 3/4 hour closer so he doesn't have such a long journey). I am just so, so exhausted. With school hatred with my eldest and my 2yo full pelt into the terrible (bitey) twos I am really struggling to cope. I don't have a village here yet - and as lovely as my parents are they're not always the most helpful (and are over an hour's train ride away). The school liasion officer thinks my daughter shouldn't be travelling back and forth to london every weekend because she's so exhausted - I agree, and have offered for him to stay here every other weekend while I vacate but he's refusing because of his own 'boundaries.' I don't know what to do. I realise this is much less of a question than a vent - but don't have anyone to talk to. The fun mummy that I was - full of forts and treasure hunts and stories - has been replaced by perma-overwhelmed stressed mummy and I don't think our little house is a very fun one anymore. But I've totally lost myself.

Sorry - that was supposed to be 'the kids and I stayed on... - not just them!

He needs to put his Dd first.

Can you ask your ex to make an appointment with the school liasion officer? Through my experience with my ex, everything I say needs to be verified, but if someone else talks to him, he engages and fair discussion takes place.
Or get a mediator.

What child arrangements would you propose seen as how you moved away?
2 hours each way isn’t overly far tbh

my own kids used to travel that distant to various sporting things there and back in a day

its not right that he should have to stay at yours tbf and I can completely see why he’d say no to that. He’s correct on the boundaries

what’s your proposal ?

Honestly - I don't know, I'm at a loss - and that's one of the reasons I'm on here, I think. My frustration lies in the fact that moving away was not my choice, nor was the break up of the marriage, nor was him staying in London when he said he was going to move down (even telling our daughter that) but that I feel it's down to me to solve it. It's quite often my job to comfort him when he is upset about how far away he is/how little he sees them.

I'm aware that I have no control over what he does, and I don't seek to - although obviously the ideal situation would be him living near by as he originally said so he could be a more regular part of their lives without the constant travel, but I also understand why he wouldn't want to uproot his life. It seems at the moment that the every other weekend for the whole two days seems more viable but it's so important for both him and for the kids that they see each other weekly, they adore each other and he brings a whole level of fun that I'm lacking right now!

(I should state for context that we were friends before we got together - are still very friendly and have regular family days etc/always spend christmas/birthdays together) and have worked hard to make sure the kids hear nothing but niceness.

So genuinely at a loss - any suggestions most welcome!

This is a good idea - he might be able to shed a different perspective for them and vice versa

Do you work? Can you move back? Or move closer to your parents.

I do work - flexibly and remotely, thankfully, which helps loads with the kids. Moving's not really an option - one of the reasons we're here is because rent was so expensive anywhere nearer the commuter belt , way beyond what I could afford and this one came up which was a serious serious bargain, so much so I couldn't believe it - (and amazingly the only landlord that accepted me too, being single income with UC). The kids are settled in nursery and school now and want to try and keep it as stable as I can for them now I think

Personally I would be going for your ex having the children every other weekend. When do you get weekend time with them? You can get through this but during the "working/school week" you need the structure of a routine and then time at the weekends to just chill and be together. Not travelling every weekend.
At their age 4hrs of car journey (plus whatever you also need to get them to your parents and back is a lot. Throw in the Adhd/asd as well and its no wonder your eldest is struggling.
Get the school advisor to have a word and suggest the eow too.

You need to learn to drive and get a car.
even if you manage now, it'll make life easier at some point.

Thank you everyone - in true ADHD stye I forgot to follow up on this! Things have settled a bit now, and they're much happier to go up there every Friday, touchwood. I don't think there's much I can do about the general feeling of lonliness and overwhelm, but hopefully it'll go with time. It's the feeling of being totally 'family-less' and 'untethered' that is hard to reconcile.

And I would love to learn to drive - I struggle with verbal processing and have got myself into a right anxiety spiral about it, but it's stopping me doing so much!

Learning to drive isn't rocket science.

Just do it and start doing the things that will advance your children's quality of life - and yours !

No, it’s not rocket science, you’re right - but I do also have cognitive difficulties which makes it considerably harder!

And to be fair my children’s quality of life is my priority every second, even with getting buses and trains everywhere. At least my son can name every station from here to lands end 😂

@Millypad have you ever had a driving lesson? The first one is nowhere near as bad as the fear of having one. You begin by learning how to start the car safely. You don't even have to move if you don't want to. It's usually somewhere out of the way, like an industrial estate, and dual controls with a proper instructor makes it feel very safe.

The secret is to add to the cognitive load gradually.

Of course! I have no doubt that your children's quality of life is your absolute priority. But you said that not being able to drive is stopping you doing so much.

Can you learn on an automatic? So much easier! AFAIK it is possible to get a license that is restricted to cars with automatic transmission.

It sounds like you’re managing to overcome the challenges and have adjusted a lot to your situation with pragmatism. Are there any groups in your area where you can meet other young mums? Might be worth taking a look on facebook, meet-up or eventbrite to help you get to know more people locally and settle in to new area.

Probably gonna be a lot easier if you drive like others have mentioned. Learning to drive is anxiety provoking at the start but give it a go, stick with it, you’ll get past it.