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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Know who your friends are

20 replies

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 10/12/2023 22:21

I get everyone has their own stuff going on but I’m surprised by a few people I thought were close friends not even asking how I am.

I guess I’m in what you’d call the middle stages, have agreed a plan with ex but yet to finalise, both still under the same roof… but I’ve told so few people and when I have it really is a cry for help.. I can’t imagine a friend telling me they’re getting divorced and not offering support. I am in a crisis and tell g people because I need support..

I have a vvvv solid friend, sister and an unexpected new friend supporting me so I’m ok but really upset at some old friends I thought would be there for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 10/12/2023 22:27

Interested to know other people’s experiences

OP posts:

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 10/12/2023 22:28

People dont want to intrude. People generally keep out of it unless directly asked directly for help.

I bet if you really thought about it, youve been the same.

Waynesplanet · 10/12/2023 22:29

People really don’t deal as you might expect with life’s crises. It is difficult.

BananaSplitsss · 10/12/2023 22:32

I think you genuinely find out who has your back and cares about you in times of need.

Not related to you but in the sense where I have needed friends lately and it’s been astonishing who doesn’t give a fuck when they were people who I actually thought cared about me. Yet others have been amazing.

Eye opening is all I can say. And fucking hurtful.
Sending love 🩷

Naughtytom · 10/12/2023 22:37

I had a couple of friends who weren't that close previously, who became absolute rocks. Because they'd been through it and understood.

A couple of others who were so kind and supportive, even though they didn't always understand.

A couple of others who were going through bad stuff themselves and just didn't have the mental space to help.

A lot of others who just wanted the gory details, like I was a soap opera (I kept well.away once I realised).

And the rest who just didn't know what to say or do, but were there afterwards. Aell, I'm not quite afterwards yet, but I'm getting there.

Bigdishlittledish · 10/12/2023 22:41

Focus on the ones who do care. Forget the ones that don't for now. Don't be afraid to ask for help or a handhold.

I get it, I've been separated for nearly two years. It seems most people don't want to get involved, don't care or are too busy dealing with their own lives.

SleepPrettyDarling · 10/12/2023 22:43

Don’t be surprised if your circle shrinks hugely. Two unexpected things I experienced:

people I knew only slightly who sidled up and asked if I could give them advice as they were going through similar themselves. Some went on to end their marriages; some must have muddled through to some sort of agreement and never mentioned it again. I was very discreet about this and felt in a way gladdened that they knew they had an ally if they needed one.
I got completely excluded from anything couples-related. Some women friends offered to meet me for walks or coffee, but never as part of a couples group.

BarelyCoping123 · 10/12/2023 22:46

So sorry you're experiencing this OP. Unfortunately i experienced the same - some of my closest friends never, not once, asked me how I was etc. Most friends didn't seem to care. I struggled massively not just with the separation, but with the total abandonment by close friends. Even my ex noticed that they were acting this way, and he felt sorry for me. The friendships are pretty much destroyed, sadly.
I hope you're ok, I'm sorry people can be so disappointing x

Original poster

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 10/12/2023 23:01

Thank you so much for your kind words!!!
It really does mean a lot.

Sorry to those who have been through similar. It’s such a knock to what you think is a supportive relationship then it’s gone. And when your biggest relationship dies you expect kindness from old friends…

I have found support in someone who was more of an acquaintance before but felt confident to tell her so maybe I should open up to more on the periphery. I have young DC so lots of people around I don’t know so well…

It does feel like some friends just want to gossip, you can see it in their expresssuons etc and it’s just hurtful.

Some old friends don’t know where to look and it’s just so gutless

OP posts:

Mumof3confused · 10/12/2023 23:25

I’ve found that those who have been through it are the only ones who really understand and are genuinely helpful. I think some people are almost threatened. You definitely end up reassessing your friendships.

Summerscoming23 · 11/12/2023 04:23

Have you asked for help? Some people don't want to intrude in what is a private matter. I'd try again,message with an update or thst you aren't coping.

My sisters friend is going through a divorce atm but has told her (and the rest of their circle) she doesn't want it brought up. Although they are worried about her and she is displaying some wreckless behaviour they can't do anything or say without an opening from her.

Whodrankmytea · 11/12/2023 05:07

Yes had the same experience and it was only those who had/were going through similar that were able to talk. I shared most of my ups and downs on here but otherwise was quite alone in what I went through and really struggled. When you lose the one person who you would normally share things with it's so hard (he was unfaithful). And also being excluded from couples events is a real kick in the teeth.

LemonTT · 11/12/2023 12:57

I have been through it and supported people through it. On the whole I would say I could only emotionally support some very close. I wouldn’t like to think that I needed to do this for every friend. Because it can be incredibly draining and sometimes my perspective on some people’s relationships won’t align with theirs. There is only so much tongue biting you can do. I will give you an example.

It’s sad that some friendship groups are couple only but you know maybe the reflection is that when you were part of it you excluded single people.

Naughtytom · 11/12/2023 16:54

Actually, I know that many of my friends' marriages are struggling, and they are in denial, or hanging on because of money or children. I know that by leaving my ex, I really unsettled an awful lot of people. This is a very "coupley" area, and people just don't know what to make of me.

I'm also getting coffee invites, but nothing with couples.

IncompleteSenten · 11/12/2023 16:58

Daft question but have you actually told them you need a bit of support?
I ask because depending on how you told them, they may not realise you meant it as a cry for help. Divorce is so commonplace these days that I think some people don't realise it can be very traumatic iyswim.

rockingbird · 11/12/2023 17:59

It's very interesting to find out who will step up and who will step away. I've experienced much the same, it's quite hurtful but in hindsight not surprising. Those who have been through or are going through similar were quick to offer their support, many did very little and got on with their lives not giving it a second thought. It's a huge thing to go through, those that matter will always be there and those that don't won't be seen for dust. I made it clear (when I was over the shock of it all) those people were no longer worth my time.

OldTinHat · 11/12/2023 18:07

When I got divorced and had very young DC, all of our mutual friends just vanished. I even remember one who literally ran away when I saw her in the supermarket and she dashed off and pretended she hadn't seen me.

Funnily enough, in the years that came after, all of them - and I do mean ALL of them - got divorced and every single one got in touch with me, wanting to 'catch up', that it had been 'too long', yadda yadda.

By then, I'd made other, real friends. I offered my sympathies but didn't re engage with any of them.

Keep strong OP. You certainly do find out who your friends are.

Gowlett · 11/12/2023 18:10

Divorce is such a personal thing.
I wouldn’t ask about it, unless you brought it up.
This is a lonely time for you, sorry.

Itslookinggood · 11/12/2023 19:11

I feel for you. It is very hard.

I have also experienced the ‘excluded from couples events’ thing. I feel like divorce separated friends into 3 categories:

1 real friends ( v small number), mainly women, who’ve stuck around and offered support
2 ‘coffee friends’ who offer the occasional catch up (no more couples things) via a daytime coffee but don’t really want to know
3 friends who just disappeared or, as soon as exh got partnered up again (v quick) he was readmitted with new partner to couples circle.

best advice I can give is take up new interests and meet new people. 4 years on I have some really good friends - many of whom are divorced women 😃

SleepPrettyDarling · 11/12/2023 19:13

I also meant to add, I think some friends have a fear of social contagion and entrench themselves in couples roles, possibly reflecting worries about their own relationships.

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