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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Frustrated 20 something year old child of divorce

16 replies

Angelcakes23 · 10/12/2023 04:01

Really just wanted to make this post as I feel super frustrated. My parents are going through a bitter divorce (had been constantly arguing years before with DV involved) and unfortunately it’s my dad who’s been doing infidelity etc. obviously my mother is super angry and upset understandable so due to betrayal. However she says this isn’t even his first time cheating yet all these years she stayed with him. What’s making this so hard for me is that because of her bitterness and anger, she will verbally insult me and emotionally abusive. She’s said some really disgusting things out of anger .. all stemming from her hatred towards my father. Like she if I wasn’t her daughter she would have gotten rid of me. Stuff like that. But Ofc she will never remember she said those things to me. Anyways Tbh she was emotionally abusive before but this situation has brought it out even more. She will even use vulgar language and say something like “your father is too busy eating p**y”. Then she gets angry when I don’t say anything about the situation as she’s venting to me. I’ve learnt it best to stay quiet as if I say something she doesn’t agree with, she attacks and insults- so it’s like I can never say or do the right thing. I guess my question is , is it so normal for an adult child (I’m in my 20s) to be heavily involved in a divorce matter like this? Because she makes it seem like I need to be super involved in everything relating to the divorce and marriage, especially because I’m a girl. Its like that should be my main priority. It’s weighing on me heavily because I don’t know what she expects me to do. I’m not in a position of financial stability at all - I’m just graduated from uni not long ago and currently job hunting! The whole thing makes me feel so demotivated to do anything. She’s so entitled saying “what life do I have without her” … etc like I’m shocked at the stuff that comes out of her mouth sometimes (sorry for the long post btw I just really need some advice). Please I just need others who can relate and tell me how they felt and dealt with the situation etc x

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 10/12/2023 04:29

Get a job. Get a house share and don't look back.

LindorDoubleChoc · 10/12/2023 06:07

Are you living at home with your mother? If you are, I would make it my priority to find somewhere else to live.

Do you ever argue? I think there's nothing wrong with feeling your anger and being quite assertive!. When she's ranting and saying horrible things to you, don't let her get away with it! "For God's sake Mum, this is your divorce, not mine! Stop taking it out on me!".

Was the violence in the relationship from your father to your mother? If so I hope you have no relationship with him.

Random30 · 10/12/2023 06:26

Her behaviour is disgusting. Definitely focus on getting a job and moving out.

I agree you should try to say something, but be really collected and cool. Even “just listen to yourself, don’t involve me in your relationship.”

My kids have been on the receiving end of this abuse from their father and it has really destroyed the relationship the has with them.

MayMi · 10/12/2023 06:37

I'm in a similar situation to you. Do you have any siblings to lean on? Are you still living at home/dependent on your parents for any reason?

Honestly after I moved out, the stress of my parents' divorce and certain people's behaviour decreased for me dramatically. I have siblings still living with them and the story is different for them.

Make sure your mum especially has friends around that she can lean on, and get yourself some space from the situation until things have cooled off at least a bit. Good luck.

Josiekitty · 10/12/2023 09:13

I am so sorry you are in this situation. If you were of school age and shared how you are being treated with a member of school staff, this would be reported as a safeguarding concern which I hope shows you how unacceptable it is that you are being treated this way. It is emotional abuse. I am sure that your Mum does not mean to do this and is just caught up in her own anger and frustration but it can't be good for your mental health. Please try to talk to someone about it and explore ways to be able to live away from home. You could perhaps speak to a domestic violence charity helpline who might be able to offer some advice. Take care xx

Tosca23 · 10/12/2023 09:31

Your mum sounds potentially narcissistic as she is not viewing you as your own person and putting you down. Google, daughters of narcissistic mothers and see if you identify with any of it.

So sorry you are going through this. Parents relationships fail sometimes, nothing to do with children whatever the age of said children, and children should not be brought in to it.

Like others say, focus hard in getting a job and renting. Might also be useful to find a supportive partner (ideally one who has a flat/house and a heart of gold), as its tough financially without parental financial support when you are in your early 20s. Focus your life on you, moving your life forward. Positive affirmations daily may help. Your mothers problems are not yours, wishing you the best of luck.

Original poster
Angelcakes23 · 10/12/2023 12:11

I agree, literally praying and applying everyday then will start saving asappp! Thank you x

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Original poster
Angelcakes23 · 10/12/2023 12:24

LindorDoubleChoc · 10/12/2023 06:07

Are you living at home with your mother? If you are, I would make it my priority to find somewhere else to live.

Do you ever argue? I think there's nothing wrong with feeling your anger and being quite assertive!. When she's ranting and saying horrible things to you, don't let her get away with it! "For God's sake Mum, this is your divorce, not mine! Stop taking it out on me!".

Was the violence in the relationship from your father to your mother? If so I hope you have no relationship with him.

@LindorDoubleChoc I am currently living with both parents yes. Once I get a job 100% want to start saving and looking elsewhere. And no I don't argue with her because I have been conditioned from young to believe that you should not talk back to parents etc and I have trouble saying what I need to. And if I argue with her now she's going to start saying I'm on my dads side etc. but definitely I will start standing up for myself because it's too much. And the DV was actually on both sides. Ngl I never saw my dad put hands on my mum but I saw it the other way around most of the time. I guess when it's the female it's not taken as seriously . But thank you for your response x

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelcakes23 · 10/12/2023 15:53

MayMi · 10/12/2023 06:37

I'm in a similar situation to you. Do you have any siblings to lean on? Are you still living at home/dependent on your parents for any reason?

Honestly after I moved out, the stress of my parents' divorce and certain people's behaviour decreased for me dramatically. I have siblings still living with them and the story is different for them.

Make sure your mum especially has friends around that she can lean on, and get yourself some space from the situation until things have cooled off at least a bit. Good luck.

@MayMi ahh this is somewhat comforting to hear that I'm not alone lol. I have 3 siblings and we talk all the time so they've been a good source of comfort for me. Definitely still dependent due to just graduating and still looking for a job! I'm so glad you were able to move out eventually, it honestly gives you such peace of mind! Yea she does have friends but I guess she can't take out her frustration in them the same way she does with me. I thank you for your response! x

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelcakes23 · 10/12/2023 15:55

Josiekitty · 10/12/2023 09:13

I am so sorry you are in this situation. If you were of school age and shared how you are being treated with a member of school staff, this would be reported as a safeguarding concern which I hope shows you how unacceptable it is that you are being treated this way. It is emotional abuse. I am sure that your Mum does not mean to do this and is just caught up in her own anger and frustration but it can't be good for your mental health. Please try to talk to someone about it and explore ways to be able to live away from home. You could perhaps speak to a domestic violence charity helpline who might be able to offer some advice. Take care xx

@Josiekitty wow this has really put into perspective how bad her behaviour is :(. Yea it's hard because I get her frustration but then when she takes it out on me this way it makes it hard to sympathise with her! I am definitely going to look into counselling and talking to more people and hopefully get a job soon so I can leave. Thanks so much! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelcakes23 · 10/12/2023 15:57

Tosca23 · 10/12/2023 09:31

Your mum sounds potentially narcissistic as she is not viewing you as your own person and putting you down. Google, daughters of narcissistic mothers and see if you identify with any of it.

So sorry you are going through this. Parents relationships fail sometimes, nothing to do with children whatever the age of said children, and children should not be brought in to it.

Like others say, focus hard in getting a job and renting. Might also be useful to find a supportive partner (ideally one who has a flat/house and a heart of gold), as its tough financially without parental financial support when you are in your early 20s. Focus your life on you, moving your life forward. Positive affirmations daily may help. Your mothers problems are not yours, wishing you the best of luck.

Edited

@Tosca23 I hundred percent agree with the narcissist but. Funny enough I' have looked into daughters of narcissistic mother and unfortunately ticks a lot of boxes which was eye opening. Yes definitely will be looking hard and applying for jobs so I can save and leave. I want to start building my own life and future without being made to feel guilty about it! Thank you so much for responding x

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelcakes23 · 10/12/2023 15:59

Random30 · 10/12/2023 06:26

Her behaviour is disgusting. Definitely focus on getting a job and moving out.

I agree you should try to say something, but be really collected and cool. Even “just listen to yourself, don’t involve me in your relationship.”

My kids have been on the receiving end of this abuse from their father and it has really destroyed the relationship the has with them.

@Random30 yess definitely been applying , hopefully I land something soon so I can start saving asap! Definitely will try and say somethjng but it's hard when you've been conditioned since childhood to never speak back. There was a time I did try defending myself against her but she made fun of me and gaslit me- it was horrible so now I just keep quiet! But I'm so glad your able to acknowledge the effect that this has on the kids and I appreciate your response x

OP posts:
Tosca23 · 10/12/2023 17:21

Will your dad move out? Perhaps you could move out with him if he isnt verbally abusive. Is your relationship with your dad better?

Try to get out of the house as much as possible. Maybe also try stern assertive approach that you understand she is upset but you cant get involved, maybe worth a shot too. Or grey rock technique- see what works, either may backfire.

Fingers crossed you can get a job asap and then create more distance and strong boundaries if you want a future relationship with your mum.

Mumof3confused · 10/12/2023 23:20

My mum is a narcissist and exactly like this. Try to stay out of it, ask her politely not to involve you in their problems because it’s upsetting for you. She’s trying to distance you from your dad. Once you move out and they are loving separately it will be easier for you to speak openly with your dad and form your own views on the situation. Therapy once you can afford it will be very good for you.

Original poster
Angelcakes23 · 18/12/2023 14:04

Tosca23 · 10/12/2023 17:21

Will your dad move out? Perhaps you could move out with him if he isnt verbally abusive. Is your relationship with your dad better?

Try to get out of the house as much as possible. Maybe also try stern assertive approach that you understand she is upset but you cant get involved, maybe worth a shot too. Or grey rock technique- see what works, either may backfire.

Fingers crossed you can get a job asap and then create more distance and strong boundaries if you want a future relationship with your mum.

Edited

@Tosca23 sorry for the late response. But I wish my dad would move out! He's already moved on with his life pretty much so don't understand why he won't just leave. He's a narcissist too but in a different way to my mum so I definitely would rather be away from him. Got a job lined up now so this will be keeping me busy will focus on saving and hopefully will pluck up the courage to set boundaries with my mum for a healthier living environment. Thanks again for responding x

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelcakes23 · 18/12/2023 14:06

Mumof3confused · 10/12/2023 23:20

My mum is a narcissist and exactly like this. Try to stay out of it, ask her politely not to involve you in their problems because it’s upsetting for you. She’s trying to distance you from your dad. Once you move out and they are loving separately it will be easier for you to speak openly with your dad and form your own views on the situation. Therapy once you can afford it will be very good for you.

@Mumof3confused
I agree with what your saying 10000%. It's hard when living together because there's always tension between them in the house so emotions are higher. I can't wait for him to move out / us go our separate ways. As soon as I can afford therapy I will most definitely be doing it - I neeeeed it lol. Thank you for be understanding and responding! X

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