Trapped in a loveless marriage

[FeelingLonelyAndDesperate]

Sorry for the pitty party guys.

I’ve been married to my DH for 33 years. He’s not violent or abusive. He is extremely boring and useless. We are both getting on in years. Whenever I suggest a day out or an evening meal out he refuses. On the very odd occasion I have suggested a walk on the beach and he has, reluctantly, agreed it is a case of a short walk on the beach and then straight home. Probably around 2 hours, all in, max. It takes 40 mins to get to the beach. He refuses a chippy lunch.

I have always planned, shopped and cooked our evening meal. He does the washing up. Apart from that he does absolutely nothing around the house. He retired 8 years ago. He has no hobbies and has no friends. I’ve given him details of mens walking groups, bowling groups…. He enjoys watching sport on TV and reading. And that’s it! He refuses to join groups outside of the home.

I have gone out and made friends through several groups. Just to get away from him really. Whenever we are home he is always there, in my face. I make a cuppa and he is there. I start any domestic chore and he is right there telling me how to do it - but never takes the initiative to do it himself.

Last month I went on a cleaning strike. It lasted 5 days. I simply couldn’t live in a house that was cluttered with his things he couldn’t put away or a stinking toilet 😫

Today DH asked if I was going to crotchet class (a class I joined just to escape the house). When I confirmed I was DH decided he needs the car (to browse around the shops) but he would drop me off. I had planned on driving to crochet class, doing the weekly shop at Sainsbury and then calling in on a friend for coffee. She was expecting me. I can drive myself.

Im so sorry to ramble on but what I’m feeling is an overwhelming need from DH to take away my independence. This isn’t the first time he’s done this but today I can’t deal with it any longer. I feel like he married me to take over his mother’s role. He brings nothing to the marriage and hasn’t done for 10 years. We don’t sleep together any more. I have no feelings for him. There is, and will never be another man. I simply would love my own space to do what I want and not have to answer to anyone.

We have very little savings. Our mortgage is paid off. Can someone please tell me how to proceed with divorce?? I need to get out now before I have a breakdown.

Im sorry again for the pitty party. I know it all sounds trivial but I can’t live like this any longer. I am utterly miserable and have stuck it for10 years. I can’t do it anymore.

Thank you for replies from anyone who has been in my situation 🙏

It sounds like you need to speak to a solicitor, contact one for the free consultation and they should tell you how to get started divorce wise. It sounds like you just don’t like each other anymore, and you clearly don’t want to spend time with each other so divorce absolutely seems like the right option. Good luck OP

Getting a divorce is relatively easy if you are good at form filling and using the internet. You can start here:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

There is no a 'no fault system', which should help. No need to talk about reasons. If there are limited assets, you should be able to do most of it (if not all) yourselves rather than with a solicitor, though of course that's an option for each of you.

Most long marriages go for a 50/50 split of assets. Pensions in payment might be looked at, if there are differences in incomes.

Good luck.

@waterSpider Wow thank you for the link. I didn’t realise it would be that easy. I’m on it

OP, Don't say sorry. You're not throwing a pity party - you're bloody miserable. You are allowed to leave a marriage for any reason. Your feelings are completely valid.

Also, buy yourself a car and enjoy driving off into the sunset.

Familiarity can breed contempt.

Personally i think alot of marriages would not end in divorce if people took a break away, as time away may make you realise your partner may also have good points as well as the bad ones that have become a bug bear for you.

Could you book a holiday for 3 or 4 weeks on yoir own? Personally i think taking holidays on your own can be a marriages saver. Having a bit of time apart may help you clarify your feelings.

Also only you know if you are truly miserable in the marriage or whether things are just getting to you at this point in time. As for people who.nonchalantly say get divorced, divorce is no picnic, its messy, expensive usually and painful.

Personally id take a holiday or go for counselling before making any major life changing decisions.

Thank you for the support guys. I thought I was going to get hate because I’m aware my angst sounds pathetic compared to what some women go through 😣

I have spoken to dh and he went off on a right strop 🙄 My mind is made up. I’m leaving tomorrow. My bags are packed. I can honestly say I’m looking forward to it. I’ve booked a month long stay at a hotel near my favourite beach. I’ll sort out what to do next. I’ve got this 💪

The situation I find myself in is intolerable. However pathetic that sounds it is my reality. I don’t have many years left on this earth and I’m not willing to spend what’s left of my life walking on eggshells. Thank you so much posters. You have given me the courage to move forward 💕

Never to late to divorce op and once you’re free of him you’ll feel so much better.
My ex was “always there “ too.
I felt I wasn’t getting space of my own as he never went out( as well as quitting multiple jobs).
I remember the feeling of elation the day he walked out for the last time and I got the locksmith around within the hour !

This could be you soon.
There may be difficulties along the way and at times it may feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but there definitely is and you will get there !

So happy for you. Enjoy your holiday and then the rest of your life without this man.

Can you maybe still have a relationship but live separately?
I know how you feel because l am much more suited to having my own time and space, although financially it can be a struggle.
You can outgrow a relationship at any stage of life, don't apologise.
I think going away on your own for a while will do you the world of good. I wouldn't rush into anything, take time to think what would suit you best.

But she doesn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, that's the point.

I think you will likely need to sell your house and downsize to flats, I don't see any other option for you both.

Being retired makes a mortgage near impossible and being in retirement the best option for you is to buy somewhere outright and not rent, unless you don't have a private pension then you can get rent paid so renting is just as good of an option as you can get help when the money from the house runs out.

OP how is it going ? Did you get your escape to the seaside ?

I could have written your post - similar time married and similar boring DH .

I've reached the end of tether point , so planning my exit strategy..