Child’s dad has blocked me? How to react

[polosmum26]

Some of you may have seen my previous post. I have come to an agreement to allow my ex partner to take our child 2/3 days on his days off this accumulates to around 8 days over the month. He doesn’t take him overnight, I am the main caregiver and he takes him each time for 5/6 hours. My baby is 8 months old.

Tonight he told me he wants a lawyer to get it in writing that he sees our son 2/3 days on his days off, I’ve told him it is better to assess which days these are on a monthly basis as we both work shifts and don’t have the same days off each week.

After going back and forth all night, he has told me that he will block me until his next day off which is Saturday. This is a continuous thing where I am blocked, unblocked, blocked etc.

Please is this normal?! I have asked him to be civil but he said he isn’t willing to and has called me controlling manipulative crazy etc, all I literally want to do is for my son to have a relationship with his father but also to have the support as the other parent who does everything by herself 24/7.

I feel like by blocking me and not even asking how his son is whilst not in his care is pathetic and actually shows that he is the manipulating controlling one.

any advice?

What happens if the child was seriously ill and in hospital the day after he sees you? It's crazy and he's the manipulative one. I'd think you could have a legal order that says how many days he sees the child without specifying which days.

Exactly! If there was an emergency I wouldn’t be able to contact him in any way it’s really immature and so dangerous.

Oh really? Are you aware of that being a thing? So I can get a legal order that could say he can see him X amount of days and it doesn’t need to specify which days? What would happen if for whatever reason one of us couldn’t agree on days for that week, and the amount of days was less than in the legal order?

thank you for your reply

From what i have read, alot of people have regular days for the other parent to see the child. I appreciate your child is a baby but as your child gets older having a set pattern would provide more stability for your child. Personally i think its perfectly reasonable to want a regular pattern and not so reasonable to expect ad hoc arrangements. Maybe you both need to speak to work to try to come up with regular arrangements that work for both parties.

The blocking/unblocking seems immature but if your ex doesn't want contact when he has your joint child imo barring an emergency you need to respect that. If clear boundaries are agreed re communication then perhaps he will agree to stop blocking you and being immature.

Maybe you would be better off going to court to agree contact arrangements and to get the input from an unbiased 3rd party.

He isn’t asking for a regular pattern - he is wanting a lawyer to write that he gets to see his child 2/3 out of his 4 days off, he will not specify which of these days as like I’ve stated they are different every week. Neither of us can go to set shifts.

It’s not that he doesn’t want contact when he has him, it’s when I have him that he has blocked me, so I wouldn’t be able to contact him if there were an emergency. I don’t mind if he blocks me when he has him, as he can simply unblock me if there were an emergency.

IMO if you can go up to 9 days without asking how your child is you simply don’t deserve one.

Don't respond to his contact at all. If he can't be adult enough to communicate responsibly then how can you rely on him. You can't trust he will be there if your dc is ill, injured etc. Will he contact you if he observes illness or a fall? Don't entertain him, children can do without these infantile men who forever assert demands on their children. If he wants involves he needs to pony up and get a grip of communication. Either that or no communication, ball in his court.

I would seek to use one of the parenting apps. Set this up then block him on everything else. This means that his communication is recorded if you need to use it in court and it will show the pattern of behaviour very clearly.

I think you do need to seek the advice of a solicitor and probably a court order, it has the advantage of setting out who the child lives with, enables you to take the child on holiday without specific permissions etc. A court order can work around variable shifts.

He’s being unreasonable because your son has a right to have plans eg parties without the risk that his dad will force him to cancel.

There will be a way to work out how to incorporate shifts. I suspect he will be obliged to tell you x weeks/days in advance. Does he work nights ? I’m wondering if his 4 days off mean that he has to catch up on sleep so he’s not really available for childcare. If hr works days then you need the right to say no to some of those days. For example if he has Tuesday and Wednesday off and wants Tuesday but Wednesday is more convenient for you then ideally you can ask that he has Wednesday instead.

At the risk of sounding unpopular my sisters ex did this to her. Kept blocking and unblocking as she wouldn't leave him alone.

He doesn't want a relationship / friendship with you and its best that you have formalised days for contact so there is no need to be in touch otherwise.

Leave him to it. If he misses important updates because he's blocked you that's on him but to be honest emergency's don't happen very often so if he prefer to have you blocked then that's his choice.

My DH had his ex blocked on everything except email due to her calling and texting all the time about things not even related to the kids. He has her blocked so she can't just call him and interrupt his day.

He has a 50/50 arrangement and doesn't speak to DSD when she's at her mum's and vice versa. Some people actually say it's better that way as they aren't being distracted from their time with one parent by the other.

Oh and in terms of getting a legal agreement you will need to agree fixed days. I've never heard of a court order having random days which change week to week. They tend to be pretty rigid so either parent can't manipulate them to their own needs.

I would totally understand if I was bombarding him with messages like what are you up to etc, but any message I have sent him is in regards to what days he can see him, my opinion on lawyers, maintenance etc all adult conversations that need to be had when you separate with a child involved. I think he is just too immature to handle these conversations and because I can hold my own he doesn’t like it. I also don’t want a friendship but I do want to be able to contact him if I need to, as any mother should be able to when they have an 8 month old baby.

Think Andrew tate lol!

Thanks for all the advice it is much appreciated. A lot has happened, it has been very messy, I’ve did things, he’s done things and I was just hoping that we could eventually be civil for the sake of our child, but I think I am dreaming!

You are both being a little unreasonable not surprising when a split is new.

Being able to contact him in an emergency is important but if cutting off that contact himself that's his choice he can't complain after the fact. Having a clean break is quite important for both of you. How often are you texting him to give him updates? Stop doing this - when he picks up DS let him know if he has eaten/taken medication/ had any illnesses etc and then send him on his way as if he were at nursery and ask the same info on his return.

It's fine, it works, DD has a similar relationship with her dad since she was a baby and now as a teen she's had the ability to Skype / text / WhatsApp on her own devices since she was 11 and they don't even bother doing that as out of sight out of mind. She has more of a Uncle/Niece relationship with him than father/daughter but it's positive and she enjoys spending time there.

A lawyers letter is actually just a expensive bit of paper, unless it's from a court it means very little. Even with a court ordered document they expect you to be flexible around work whilst sticking to the spirit of the order.

You could potentially set up a calendar that you share and put important baby related dates on to, no direct contact but all essential information.

Don’t argue against him getting a legal agreement in place. A legal agreement protects you too. What you want is to negotiate what that agreement actually says.

if you want to keep the days flexible that is fine, but I’m guessing you want to know them the minute he gets his schedule at work. You can put that in the agreement.

you want dad to be available in case of emergencies and not block you. Put that in the legal agreement.

if communication tends towards the acrimonious, say that all non-urgent communication has to be by text, email, or even one of those co-parent communication websites. Pick one thing so that all communication is documented.

you also need to think about the fact that this moving schedule works now, but it’s not going to work for a child with his own plans.

what are you going to do about Christmas in 2027, can he take your child to Spain for 3 weeks 2030? These are things that might seem crazy now, but that are going to come up eventually.

putting everything down on paper doesn’t mean you have to follow the agreement perfectly. If you are coparenting well, you can always negotiate and compromise and no one is going to swoop in and force you to follow what you wrote down. However, when you don’t agree, having something in writing becomes the default. It’s already there, it’s already negotiated, and you just go with that plan.

Just stop talking to him. He doesn’t need constant updates he doesn’t want them. With this conversation, tell him you cba with the back and forth and being blocked and the drama of it. Let’s keep it civil for DS and talk about this through lawyers. Then leave him to set up court, if that’s what he wants. Leave him to it though, it’ll only screw you. If he gets 8 days agreed, and one month you can only do 7 you’ll be in breach of the court, but if he decides not to show up the next month and doesn’t fancy his 8 days, then that’s fine and it’ll be on you to sort out those days. So I wouldn’t be in a rush to help him with that. if he’s trying to be controlling with the blocking and Wanting court involved etc hell only find another way once the 8 days are confirmed anyway.
Get CMS if you’re not already.

I don’t text him for updates nor do I give him updates. When he returned him to me the last time he refused to tell me what he had to eat, this is important to me. Whether or not people think it’s necessary that I know, it’s important because I’m his main caregiver because if he takes unwell later on that night etc I know the best course of action to take.

I was doing things on his terms and his family are causing me ongoing grief, so I text him to say what my terms would be (this didn’t affect him seeing his son) after a few days I had calmed down as most people often do, and I told him I just want it to be civil, and would be happy to work with him so that it’s suits us both and our son comes first.

Thats when he said he can’t be civil and back and forth with the lawyer texts, there isn’t anything malicious in the messages. I think it’s more about being stubborn, and who’s in control it was the recipe or the relationship.

His last text was he wanted to see our son on Sunday and he will block me until then. Do I just go along with this? Should I even mention that the blocking is immature or should I just leave him to it?

Also when I’m packing my sons bag, should he be supplying wipes nappies etc? He doesn’t pay me a penny currently

thanks

There's no point on telling him his behaviour is immature. That won't solve anything and will likely just cause further arguments. Yes, he should be supplying nappies, wipes and food. Don't give him anything next time he collects his child. I'm sure he'll figure something out. If he doesn't want to be civil then he can fend for himself. He should also be paying maintenance for his child. Contact CMS to sort this.

Regarding the blocking just ignore it. In an ideal world there would be a full handover, especially for a child so young but it doesn't sound like that's going to happen so just leave him to his blocking and unblocking. He's probably just trying to get a rise out of you so don't give him one.

If I’m being totally honest I think I am suffering from pp depression due to lack of support during my pregnancy to now.

Paranoia/deluded/hallucinations/sad all the time or numb/constant crying/irritable etc etc so I’m probably not very easy to deal with, but I don’t think this nonsense makes it any better.

So tomorrow's plan of action

1. Ring GPs and get an appointment to discuss how you are feeling
2. Ring CMS and organize maintenance. I go for the middle option. CMS work out how much ex needs to pay every year and then he sets up a direct debit, costs a one off £20 admin fee.

Does Sunday work for you? If so then ex has given you several days notice so seems reasonable, if he told you on Saturday evening the Id say no as not enough notice.

As for the blocking, I'd ignore it. If you have an emergency then that's on him. Honestly, these things do work themselves out overtime although the first 12 months is a struggle especially if you have someone trying to control and assert power.

Whilst knowing what DS ate is important it's not the end of the world. It feels big now as hes your PFB and still very young once you've got a few parenting years under your belt or have additional children you'll relax about things like this. I know I've been there I still remember my outrage when ex fed DD some puree, dropped the spoon on the (carpeted) floor and then carried on feeding her, not to mention when he gave 12 month old DD a sip of Dr Pepper in the long term it made no difference and I was angry because it was him moreso than the actual act.