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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Finally I’ve met someone worthy

50 replies

SingleDepressedLonely · 03/12/2023 00:49

After a painful divorce and a horrible child access battle I have finally met someone after 7 years.

Im really scared to jinx it but I have good feelings about this person.

His a mature gentlemen who can hold a very intellectual conversation, his communication seems on point and I’m really enjoying his company.

It’s only been 3 weeks and he hasn’t met my child yet. Is it too soon for me to introduce my child to this person?

I have a good feeling about this person and he doesn’t come across abusive or short tempered. He has a lot of patience for me and my situation and has been very understanding.

I’ve briefly filled him in on how toxic and abusive my ex husband has been in the past and it’s still ongoing. I hope this isn’t going to put him off

His never been married and doesn’t have offspring’s of his own. I’m worried my ex husband will ruin this for me as his always commenting on how sad and lonely I am without him. (And his meant to be a married man)

I’m worried to take the next steps as I have met many in the past but non have compared to what he has to offer a single mother of my status. Financially he seems stable and his intentions seem genuine.

Just wondering if 3/4 weeks is enough time for me to introduce my child to someone that I have only just met and only just given a label to our new relationship. he seems very keen to meet my child.

what should I do?

OP posts:

Didsomeonesaydogs · 03/12/2023 07:05

At 3 weeks you have only met his representative. He is a stranger. You won’t even begin to find out what he’s really like until 3 months in. You shouldn’t be introducing anyone to your child until 6-12 months in.

Namechange4234 · 03/12/2023 07:08

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letstrythatagain · 03/12/2023 07:10

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ironixallyenough · 03/12/2023 07:41

Hello AI!

ironixallyenough · 03/12/2023 07:42

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Ollifer · 03/12/2023 07:57

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TheInfusionist · 03/12/2023 08:29

He has no offsprings?! No human would write that.

Quitelikeit · 03/12/2023 08:54

Honestly you know nothing about the guy. You need to be with someone at least three years before you get a good handle on their character

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/12/2023 08:58

I waited 6 months, by then I was sure it was probably leading towards marriage.

They knew I was dating early on though.

GuinnessBird · 03/12/2023 09:13

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Ffsnotaconference · 03/12/2023 09:22

To put it in perspective. My kids knew Dp before I was dating him. He is a distant relative of my best friend so that had met him at her family functions.

They had known him 2 years, though not well. I still don’t tell them I was dating him for 10 months. He didn’t spend an extra time with the kids. Everything remained as it was. Them seeing him occasionally at my best friends.

There was absolutely no need for them to know or have more involvement with him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/12/2023 09:33

So you are dating an old man with no dating history, and you've known him for three weeks, but you trust him absolutely? Right.

Rocksonabeach · 03/12/2023 09:42

CheekyHobson · 03/12/2023 00:57

I’m hoping this is a troll post but under no circumstances should you introduce your child to a man you’ve known for less than a month.

You barely know this guy and frankly, there are red flags about both him and you all over your post.

He’s a fair bit older than you
Never married or had kids - that doesn’t happen by accident
He’s weirdly keen to meet your child
You’re over sharing about your ex
You’re still in contact with an abusive ex to the degree that he can tell you you’d be better of with him and you fear he might mess with your new relationship… clearly you haven’t set firm enough boundaries

I think you need further therapy before you get right back into another abusive relationship.

A year of dating, minimum, before you introduce your child to someone.

Edited

This.

I have been through similar. However several things after 3 years of therapy here

why don’t you think yourself worthy? why does anyone on here think you aren’t a good catch etc
dont over share in any relationship
don’t share about an abusive ex
dont do this ever - any love bomber will immediately tell you- it is your bad experience blotting your love story etc or you need to trust them
age - 40 no serious engagement no marriage no children is a huge huge red flag - I met my ex when he was 35 and a virgin - he told me he was waiting for the right one - reassured me etc he’d never even kissed a girl ever at 35. He wasn’t religious and brother and sister married. In hindsight he didn’t have a red flag as much as red neon lights but I had abusive parents and wanted my own fairy tale. Any red flag or question I had he fobbed away with this is because of your childhood - yes he used it over and over. Me a single mother I was no catch was I? Except I was - he wasn’t. 10 years later - after a horrific year long relationship and 9 years of court - I see him for what he was. He’s a nightmare and hasn’t had a relationship since.

you need to grow self confidence share to a therapist not a man you don’t know. This is a fantasy. Early on in any relationship (after 3 months ish) before that it is just dating - I have a test / watch carefully for a reaction eg Friday night and sex planned and I text on Thursday and say I’m exhausted with work and I’d like to have a night on my own and early night and just want to sleep and chill out on my own but can do a dog walk on Sunday. That kind of thing - not made up but how I feel and I watch their response very very carefully. Any pressure or not respecting what I say I think again about it. Eg how about I come over and give you a massage - no sorry I’m really shattered with work and what 24 hours to myself.

Watch what they say and do when you say ‘I don’t like that’. My ex and I (second one) were together a year and after a baby when he showed his real abuse ….. I always remember in a moment of rare clarity asking him if this him was real or the one before and he said ‘I wanted a family. You had a great child, you were attractive, intelligent, great at work and just lovely. I tried to be a good boyfriend (flowers, went running to get paracetamol of I was ill etc made my child happy and laugh) and then asking you to marry me and live together etc but I can’t keep this act up anymore. I don’t want to look after a baby. I don’t want to do family stuff all the time. I’m happy with my cycling (out every day and all weekend) I said I’d cut it back and I knew I couldn’t but I knew you wanted me to - so I told and did what you wanted - you now have a great home (he had money) two great kids, I won’t cheat etc can’t we just carry on. It was fake. You see ? That’s what he said!!

know Your worth
take time
keep everything separate
do the freedom programme
get therapy
priortise your child
Date him - just that date him don’t introduce your child for at least 6 months or more likely a year
child comes first always

Mumof3confused · 03/12/2023 11:14

In what was is he ‘worthy’?

Everything you know about him at the moment are things he wants you to know/believe about him.

Why on earth would you even want to involve your child at this stage?

ThankYoufortheDay · 03/12/2023 11:18

Sometimes a man says he wants to meet your children but really they want to be able to stay over your house for a takeaway and a shag.

EtiennePalmiere · 03/12/2023 12:18

ThankYoufortheDay · 03/12/2023 11:18

Sometimes a man says he wants to meet your children but really they want to be able to stay over your house for a takeaway and a shag.

That's a best-case scenario

Cambsguy · 07/12/2023 09:27

Disagree

I saw my gf daughter when I picked her up on 3rd date. We have 2 kids each 13-16 and both had met the others kids within a month, probably around 3 weeks. Had a ‘family’ style dinner within 2 months for all 6 of us.

things are great between us. Maybe it helped that we knew a lot of people in common quite closely so trust was there. Do what feels right for you.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 09:43

So you weren't basically still a stranger who was eager to gain access to her child? So it's not the same situation. Also you know you're not a predator. Your gf didn't so I still think she should have been more mindful but you can sit here as someone who isn't abusive and say "but I'm safe" and it means fuck all about the next guy who comes along.

OP what does this mean "what he has to offer a single mother of my status". What is offering less than a month in? How do you perceive your status and his?

Basically yes it's too soon. If he collects you from the door and DS comes out to wave hello, fine. But meeting - this is Eric, my boyfriend, he's sleeping over now" , Def not.
From a selfish point of view, enjoy this period. Enjoy seeing him as someone who is yours. Enjoy getting to know him and the sex and the time out from being Mom before it's all sleepovers and family day trips. Plenty of time for that.

From your son's point of view, it sounds like things are still hard with Dad. By not introducing them, you're helping protect him from his father's intrusion and interference. You don't need to tell ex you've met someone. You don't need him to know you have someone because if your son doesn't know, why should he?

Cambsguy · 07/12/2023 10:51

Well, we didn’t know each other but did have mutual friends so in that case not a stranger.

Ffsnotaconference · 07/12/2023 14:24

Cambsguy · 07/12/2023 10:51

Well, we didn’t know each other but did have mutual friends so in that case not a stranger.

Mutual friends? But don’t know eachother That still a stranger.

You didn’t know her.

As pp said, you know you aren’t a predator (I assume). The Op or your partner don’t know that. It’s a chance they took. Which might pay off or might not. It’s a massive risk to take given what could happen if it doesn’t pay off.

And someone being eager to meet the children after a few weeks is a sign, that it’s not a risk worth taking given what you are betting.

Terrribletwos · 07/12/2023 14:37

SingleDepressedLonely · 03/12/2023 00:49

After a painful divorce and a horrible child access battle I have finally met someone after 7 years.

Im really scared to jinx it but I have good feelings about this person.

His a mature gentlemen who can hold a very intellectual conversation, his communication seems on point and I’m really enjoying his company.

It’s only been 3 weeks and he hasn’t met my child yet. Is it too soon for me to introduce my child to this person?

I have a good feeling about this person and he doesn’t come across abusive or short tempered. He has a lot of patience for me and my situation and has been very understanding.

I’ve briefly filled him in on how toxic and abusive my ex husband has been in the past and it’s still ongoing. I hope this isn’t going to put him off

Just wondering if 3/4 weeks is enough time for me to introduce my child to someone that I have only just met and only just given a label to our new relationship. he seems very keen to meet my child.

what should I do?

No! Definitely give it more time. 3 weeks is not enough.

Wondering if this is a joke?

Terrribletwos · 07/12/2023 14:41

A mature, sensible man would not be pushing to meet your child, I would be very, very wary and concerned about this.

gotomomo · 07/12/2023 14:42

???? Unless the "child" is 16+ you need to wait until you are sure it's a relationship that will last, not necessarily 6 months but months not weeks. Older kids it's different as they will be aware of dating and relationships that don't last long

MuckyPlucky · 07/12/2023 14:49

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Snoken · 07/12/2023 14:59

I'd say it depends on how old they are. My kids are late teens/early 20s and I have met plenty of their boyfriends/girlfriends after just a few weeks. I could see myself introducing someone to them in a very casual way after a month or two if we sort of bumped into them. Not as a step father type of thing, but as a someone I'm seeing.

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