Separating with baby in the middle

[polosmum26]

Hi,

My partner has left me. It has become very messy and quite frankly not very nice.

I have had arguments with his family, who have accused me of neglect and what I would consider child abuse (they say I get drunk and leave my child crying in the corner) categorically not true, but so very damaging! They have also taken it upon themselves to cause trouble by going around our neighbours and friends doors to try and tell their side of the story, to make people fall out with me and turn against me. I don’t like that they shout and swear in front of my exs nieces and I don’t like the way they speak to one another, even calling the youngest who is 5 names (they will say it’s a joke etc but it’s so inappropriate) this allows these children to have zero respect for adults and are not disciplined whatsoever.

I am the main care giver, my son is 8 months old he stays with me full time. His dad will not take him overnight as he is staying at his dads, he claims the house is too cold and dusty. He does not pay me maintenance but has said he is going to start after contacting CMS.

Since we separated a mere 6 weeks ago, my ex has seen my child in our home the majority of the time and on 4 occasions taken him to his mothers. The situation became worse over another argument and he now only picks him up and takes him to his mothers.

I believe my exs head is being filled with absolute nonsense by his side of the family, and after returning my child home last night he refused to tell me what he had eaten that day. All I needed to know was his belly was full.

After consideration of all of the above I have decided it is not in my child’s best interest to be around his side of the family, I think they are poison and will fill my child’s head with their nastiness as he gets older. I know they love my child, and I know this means my child will be away from his cousins, but at this point I feel like there is nothing else I can do. They are tormenting me!

I have told my ex that he can see my son in the house - I would happily leave to attend a gym class etc. And/or he can see him at a softplay/other child friendly activity and I will wait for them in my car.

His family and probably him too think I am doing this because I am obsessed with him, I can vouch that when he left I was heartbroken but after realising what he and they are all like, they actually make me sick.

He has now said he is going to a lawyer. Where do I stand with this? Am I within my rights to protect my child from his family? Am I allowed to tell my ex where he can see his child? If we don’t agree what happens?

Am I making this more difficult by not allowing my child to see his family, should I just bow down to them? Or should I stand my ground?

Ultimately they hate the ground I walk on, but I believe they should separate the person from the parent, what they think of me should not interfere with my child. But their gossiping, bitching, accusations, and negativity towards me is causing me so much stress. I want to be the best mum I can be, and with their interfering I don’t think it’s possible.

Any advice please

Bumping for you

And I think you need legal advice

You can’t insist that contact is at your home. It sounds like it’s good that contact isn’t at your home any more. Babies shouldn’t be around conflict and it sounds like your ex and you can’t get along. In those kinds of cases it’s best to have minimal contact.

If he takes you to court then he would get unsupervised contact. How much depends on if you’re breastfeeding but when baby is older dad can ask for up to 50%.

You need to try and detach from your ex’s family. They sound horrible and toxic but there is nothing that you can do about that.

I’m not looking for supervised contact. I won’t be in the home but at least I know my baby will be safe and not surrounded by horrible adults. I believe we would get on if his family weren’t so involved.

It’s easy to say detach but if they are hell bent on making my life difficult I don’t know how I can ignore that and be the best mum I can be. I feel like I have a responsibility to keep my child away from horrible toxic people. He won’t ask for 50% because he won’t take him overnight.

Someone told me he could get unsupervised contact in a contact centre which seems like the best option at the minute

He probably couldn’t afford to take me to court, and he wouldn’t get any help to pay for it so I think if he wants to see his child that much then he will either need to come up with an agreement that doesn’t involve his family or have a stern word with his family and ensure that they literally stop try to ruin my life.

Someone has mentioned overnights and BFing. I just want to query if there was any Domestic Abuse or Coercive Control?

Unfortunately whilst much for what you said sounds dreadful and extremely upsetting for you, what harm is actually being done to your child? I'm not saying that to be hurtful but this is what the court will consider. The court will put the child's best interests first and the starting point is always 50/50. Clearly that doesn't happen often as there are so many factors such as one parent working, where the child normally resides and who their main care giver has been etc. But in your case, the courts won't decide on supervised ( and highly unlikely they'll offer unsupervised) contact. It's highly unlikely your ex or his family haven't fed your child. Do you feel he's at risk whilst with them? Physically that is? If no, then leave them to whilst they have your son and in the meantime seek legal advice. Don't rise to their bait and chances are, when they don't get that rise, things will settle. It's very, very early days.