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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Leaving the family home

7 replies

Pinky8383 · 30/11/2023 14:44

Hi, so this is just bloody hard but me and my husband have decided to split after 15 years! We have 2 beautiful boys and I'm so scared how this is going to impact them. We are trying to figure things out amicably (no one has done anything, we've just grown apart and after trying numerous times decided it's the end 😢)

Anyway, he's always been in charge of finances etc, he paid off the house with his inheritance, has paid the bills whereas I've covered shopping, things for kids, clothes, clubs etc. He's on a higher salary than me...so we've decided that he'll stay in the family home and buy me out and I'll go somewhere new (still close) which I've been fine with but everyone I speak to says you can't do that, you need to stay in the family home, you're primary care giver so now I'm doubting myself! Is this the wrong thing to do? I feel like it's fair for him to stay. We're going to try and split custody 50/50 although I'll more than likely end up with more solely due to his work commitments.
I'm just doubting myself, has anyone else left their family home after separation and did it work for you?
It's just a minefield and it's just so sad too that it's got to this. Any words of advice would be much appreciated ☺️

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 30/11/2023 14:49

You do what is right for you and your family. Don't listen to other people.

For various reasons my ex-husband stayed in the family home and I bought a new place. It was what was right for us given the circumstances. In all honesty, I was quite glad to be able to get a new place and start afresh.

DPotter · 30/11/2023 15:02

Whatever you do - get good solid legal advice. Ask around for recommendations of local solicitors.

Have you thought through the logistics of moving out - will you be going into rental or waiting until your STBEx has bought you out and you have found somewhere else ?

I would have thought it was easier for one person to move out into rental and leave the other parent with the children

FlippyFloppyShoe · 30/11/2023 15:21

I think there are pros and cons of staying in the FMH. Obviously there is less upheaval if you stay and you know your neighbours and all the positives and negatives of the house...but...it could also be cathartic to find somewhere completely new that is just for you and your boys (depending on their ages) could help choose and it really would signify the start of your new life (and hopefully that is a positive). I fought to keeps the FMH and I often wonder if it was the right decision for me...it was for my DC and it gave them stability throughout the divorce, but the maintenance on it is a lot and I can't see me here in my dotage.
I assume you have read other threads on Mumsnet and so are aware that 50/50 results in no child maintenance.

Original poster
Pinky8383 · 30/11/2023 18:15

Thank you @CornishGem1975 yes I know, it's hard to not doubt everything you do isn't it though especially when so many people are giving you their opinions. I thought the same that actually it would be a good way to have that fresh start, I think I'd always be tinged with sadness staying at home and hopefully we can make it into an adventure for the boys (4 & 8) so it's exciting and they get to choose their decor etc.

@DPotter yes he's buying me out so we're both still in the house until that's complete and I'll use that to get me set up somewhere.

@FlippyFloppyShoe thank you! I know what you mean, it would be easier and less up heavily for the boys if I stayed but like you say I think a fresh start is what I need to help me through this otherwise I think I'll always be reminded of our marriage staying in the house. Yes we both realise about the maintenance side of things which I think is fair if we're going to be 50/50......hopefully it stays that way. Luckily were quite amicable and talking it all through but it doesn't make it any easier 😢

OP posts:
mumtoadhdasdboy · 01/12/2023 08:30

I'm currently going through this exact same scenario. My ex is buying me out and staying the family home for a few years until he retires and downsizes. I'm due to exchange shortly on my new house. I couldn't have afforded to stay in the family home anyway. My DS13 will be visiting his dad 2x a week and we'll be moving about 10 mins away to a smaller house in a little village. I'm scared to be leaving our local town and to be on my own - we know a lot of people here, but at the same time it's time for me to move on. I will work hard to keep the connections that I have already and also to make new ones. We are relatively amicable but it has been hard living here since we had that conversation a few months ago. Hoping we will be in by Christmas.

Good luck with it all xxx

LemonTT · 01/12/2023 09:46

Staying in the family home is a tactical decision. It’s a big asset and mortgages are usually cheaper than rent. The person who has the house can usually afford to drag things out and pressurise the other party into accepting offers.

If you have already reached an informed agreement, just crack on with that. But the emphasis is on informed.

CornishGem1975 · 01/12/2023 10:23

LemonTT · 01/12/2023 09:46

Staying in the family home is a tactical decision. It’s a big asset and mortgages are usually cheaper than rent. The person who has the house can usually afford to drag things out and pressurise the other party into accepting offers.

If you have already reached an informed agreement, just crack on with that. But the emphasis is on informed.

That's really not always the case.

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