Worried about nieces

[aquariusgemini]

My sister is going through a turbulent separation and I'm incredibly worried about my nieces (6 and 3).

3 year old is very unsettled, keeps asking for daddy when with mummy, and vice versa, cries for her home bedroom (her exH has stayed in the family home while she is in temporary accommodation staying with family)

The 6 year old seems to be coping better than the 3 year old, but her behaviour (outside of school) is pretty awful and I wouldn't be surprised if this is due to the split.

I love them dearly, my sister is having a terrible terrible time (there has been financial and emotional abuse), I am losing sleep worrying about my lovely nieces and also the lack of control we have when they are with their father (50/50 custody).

He loves them but dodged the bulk of parenting for years so really has no idea. He isn't brushing their teeth, they come home saying they've had chocolate for breakfast, out of routine, exhausted and filthy.

Any tips for making this new separation easier for children of these ages and also how to deal with it best we can ourselves as family members?

If he isn’t looking after the kids properly then your sister needs to talk to her solicitor about getting him on a parenting course or reducing his time. (Not v convince he loves them if he emotionally and financially abused their mother.)

50/50 doesn’t suit all kids and it’s very hard if the parents aren’t co-operative, so it’s a tough situation.

The best thing you can do is be there for them. Can you give them a regular slot a week? A reliable aunt who loves them and is there for them will make a huge difference.

Thanks @theduchessofspork

Honestly, I know he adores them, but he doesn't seem to be able to separate his love for them and his anger towards my sister, he's also culturally from a different background which makes things harder IMO.

My sister is trying gently to remind him about things like teeth brushing, getting good food in them etc, but she's scared of any sort of confrontation with him so is not being as assertive as I would probably be if it were me!

And yes, I see them as much as I can, at least weekly. I'm very close to them and try to give them lots of love and a safe space to chat if they want to.

I am struggling with my own emotions to be honest regarding it all. I have two children a similar age and I cannot imagine them being shipped between two houses. It makes me very sad that my nieces are going through this.

How recent is the split?

My dd was 3.5 when her dad and I ended our relationship and 5 when we told the kids and I moved out. At first she found it incredibly difficult and her dad was a fricking nightmare over food, hygiene and general parenting. He has got better over the years because he has had no choice.

Kids adjust, some slower than others.

Ultimately not brushing their teeth and feeding them chocolate for breakfast isn't going to do a huge amount of damage .

But your sister not having her own place and a stable home for the kids will be. If you want to help her, help her get a permanent home.

She left 6 months ago now.

We are trying to get her somewhere to live, the family home is on the market and she will get some equity from that. She earns well and qualifies for zero benefits but cannot find a home until the house has sold. We are just praying it sells quickly (but he's not making it easy).

She has zero access to any of their savings (he cleared the joint bank accounts) so she cannot access legal advice right now either. It's such a mess.

Clearing the bank account is illegal. She needs to speak to CAB and also women's aid for advice.

@Onceuponaheartache she actually spoke to a solicitor who said as the joint account was in both their names, he was within his rights and there is nothing she can do, but a judge may consider it in the final settlement if they go to court, which she can't afford to do.

It's a minefield

Would she consider representing herself in the court process? It is possible to do (though not easy especially given the circumstances).

That's awful especially if it leaves her with no money.

Has she put a cms claim in? 50/50 doesn't automatically mean no maintenance especially where a large disparity in earnings is in play. Dd's dad and I did 50/50 but because he earns 3 tomes my salary he still has to pay maintenance. It would be worth her putting a claim in to see, might help get her into a stable poaition

@Onceuponaheartache they earn roughly the same. But he has a very very wealthy family and his mum and dad are helping him eg he will be given a house to live in mortgage free. Money is no object. But it's not 'his' money and they will be very careful to look after him but ensure my sister can't access the wealth.