Partner left me after I discovered he was seeing someone else

[Sl2001ie]

My partner of 13 years left me 7 weeks ago after I discovered he was seeing someone else. He said he was very unhappy in our relationship and this other person is a distraction. We have a 3 year old daughter and for their sake I asked him to come back but he is adamant he won’t. He has moved in with his parents and is too far away to help with childcare through the week so picks up our daughter on some weekends ( this may change if he moves closer once we sell the house). Through the week he works and in his words is dating and having fun with this OW. On a surface level he seems ok with me but there is now a coldness and he is very critical of me to other people.
At first I was in shock but a small part of me thought maybe it’s a breakdown and he’ll come back. However I have now realised he is not coming back. Although he’s sad at times missing our child he appears very happy with his new life.

I’m struggling to get out of bed and feel incredibly sad all the time. I’m really dreading the Christmas / new year period. I can’t switch my mind off, the whole breakup and OW is on my mind constantly. I feel massive regret that I wasn’t enough and also guilty that my daughter is not getting the best of me. I have family and friends to lean on but emotionally I’m getting worse everyday.
Has anyone been through anything similar? Does anything help and will I eventually feel better and stop thinking about it? Thanks x

Nothing useful to add, but sending virtual hugs. I know it's bloody awful right now, but you will get through this to better days.

Hmmm, If you have friends and they are aware, I would hope they step up and engage you and come by etc for drinks, to take your mind of it. in the long run, start putting yourself out there because if you get back together, what says he cant be unhappy soon after again?

Well nobody has said it yet so I will. He is a first class shit for cheating, betraying his wife and child and indulging himself with no thought for his responsibilities.
Ignore anything negative he is saying about you. It’s a way to justify himself for his actions and not a reflection on you.
So he is with someone who is happy to be cheating with a married man with a small child. Good luck to them when the excitement wears off.
Keep your dignity. Do not try and get him back. If for some bizarre reason you did want him back it is far more likely to happen if you don’t beg him anyway. Let him see he has lost you and his marriage and stable life with his child.
I hope he fulfils his responsibilities at least as a father. Many don’t.
I am sorry you have joined the club of abandoned mothers. It’s not your fault. Be kind to yourself

You should be getting out the bunting OP, he’s saved you the job of kicking his cheating arse out. I’m sure he’ll be back when his bit on the side gets fed up of him though, so don’t worry.

He sounds awful. He's openly going out with OW in preference to looking after his own child? How far away is he staying that he can't see his DD during the week?
I've no respect for men who abandon their family like this, you are better off without an immoral loser like this.

Have a look on chump lady website

Congratulations for being my exception to the rule ‘just mind your own business’ if you feel like you want to report something

Hey I am going through something very similar but I have two children. Are you finding it any easier now? How are you?

Look up the grief pathway, op.
you are grieving for loss of your partner and your marriage, and facing a massive change with all the uncertainties
what you are feeling, after a shock loss such as this is normal. Be kind on yourself
Your thoughts along lines of “if I’d done this…” are very normal as part of that grief pathway

when you are ready, use the link above to ADVICE NOW. They have brilliant guides to “diy” divorce, informing you about how to get a financial settlement, the law on “fair settlement”, how to go through various processes and form filling. They tell you what you need a solicitor for, what you don’t and can easily do yourself, and where you may want to use one given your own. Circumstances.

remeber that fear is caused by the unknown. Replace the unknown with information, and with what your future life will be like . Do it slowly, get to point where you can actually visualise your future life such as where you’ll live, how child custody will probably work out, what financial situation will be based on this “fair settlement” law. All of those will help to gradually move you forwards with a purpose

do not be afraid to go to GP for help. You may find some sort of counselling helpful, or you may even find, given your mood right now, a short course of antidepressants may help lift you

it’s not easy, especially after being blindsided. But you will manage.

As you refer to him as partner rather than DH I assume you weren't married. Start your CMS claim if you haven't already and make sure you get your finances in order.

You will eventually feel better but know this wasn't a problem with you.

Don't deflect anger on to the OW. It is him that cheated on you. Who knows whether she was even aware of you or what he told her.

This happened to my very dear friend. Three years later she’s feeling far better and wouldn’t go near her ex if she was paid £10 million! It’s a tough road of facing that betrayal and disappointment in the person you trusted but he’s not worth it. What you’ll realise is just how strong you are. You will get through this and you’re certainly better off without a twat like your ex.

I don’t think some men are equipped for family life and they find an excuse to be out of it. It’s not you who’s not enough, it him.

Just take each day as it comes and life will improve, I promise.

Thanks all 😊really appreciate your support and advice. It is a grief and a death of sorts which has sent me cycling through so many different emotions.

We were not married but have a mortgage together. I’ve haven’t made any rash decisions financially as I know he can’t force me to sell the house. He’s still paying half the bills as they are in his name but in the upcoming weeks I’ll be sorting that out and setting up child maintenance. I’m increasing my hours at work to help with either buying this house or another. Taking things slowly does help with acceptance of the situation.

The part that is bothering me the most is my mind - I can’t seem to switch off thinking about any of it and how unjust it all feels. It’s early days still so I hope that in time I’ll let go of those feelings.

I’m sorry you are going through something similar Sunshineandwaterfalls. Would it be OK for me to PM you?

I'm 7 months on my own now, except I have my adult son living with me, which is a blessing. I do spend about 90% of my time totally alone though and it was very hard for a long time but in the last couple of weeks I feel like a big weight has been lifted and have even started to feel something that feels like happiness!
You're right it's like a death; it is death- death of the marriage/relationship, of the person you thought he was, of the person you used to be, the life you had and the future you thought you'd have! But there is no body to bury and no ritual or ceremony to mark the huge loss. It's only natural that it's still going round in your mind because it's a huge thing to come to terms with, especially as you have a young child with him. Go easy on yourself and love yourself by allowing the greiving process, because grief is what it is and your feelings are valid. Be kind to yourself. Turn to those close to you for support and, as well as sorting out the legal and financial side, see if you can access a counsellor or therapist who is experienced in helping clients who've been abandoned and/or betrayed, as it's a trauma.
I still think about it all but much less now, and find that more and more, especially in the last couple of weeks, I think about other things more and when I do think of him and what he's done, I'm not that emotional about it anymore. I read somewhere that "One of the best feelings is when you loose attachment to someone you know is no good for you!" and I can tell you with my hand on my healing heart, that is so true!!
Please look after yourself and your child now OP and leave him in your rearview mirror! He doesn't deserve you! NEVER take him back or let him take any kind of advantage of you ever again! PM me if you'd like to talk more and make 2024 your year! That's what I intend to do!

Yes please message me… we are going through a very similar thing, would love to chat x

Thank you blubbed for your advice and kind words. I’m hoping to access some counselling through work so I’m feeling positive about that. How are you? x