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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

What is fair? I don't know

9 replies

MumLass · 23/11/2023 16:38

Ended my marriage in February following years of emotional abuse and a 'nail in the coffin' discovery of some nasty online activity that he'd been hiding from me for a number of years. What he did was illegal and I could have him charged but I chose not to to prevent my children being damaged in the process.

He found somewhere to rent and moved out in April. I'm still in the family home, have the children the majority of the time.

He's paying the gov.uk recommended maintenance plus 50% of school fees.

We earn about the same, but the family home is expensive to run and costs me £1200/m in mortgage. I've asked him to go to interest only until it sells to make my monthly costs more manageable. So far he will not agree. He thinks I should continue to pay down the balance and he will still get 50/50 when it sells.

He's now quibbling about maintenance/repair costs too (had to get the boiler fixed today, he says he's not sure he should be paying half).

It doesn't seem fair to me, but maybe I should just suck it up.

We're going for financial mediation next week but he's so pig-headed I don't see how that will help.

OP posts:
Thinkingmumw · 23/11/2023 17:47

Hi OP, so sorry you're going through this.

I'm in the process of divorcing as well. My husband moved out in July. We have both independently seen a solicitor to check the law about financial settlement, as well as researching it ourselves. In our case we are trying to stay amicable and my husband seems to be taking a fair approach so far. It's really hard to keep emotions out of things though!

I recommend you look at the Advice Now website:
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

It's a UK site and it's absolutely fantastic, goes through divorce and separation finances in great detail. Very easy to read and you can download their help sheets. I highly recommend you read it as it will help.

Mediation should help, but ultimately they can only advise. It might however help your husband understand what is legally acceptable!

As you have dependent children you would definitely be wise to get legal guidance as the rules vary according to many factors.

Basically though the courts will look for a fair settlement for all sides, the welfare of the children will be a major influence.

If you decide to divorce, you will both need to agree a financial settlement/consent order which either you can draft yourselves, or a solicitor can draft it for you. (Cheaper to do it yourself if you can reach agreement then the solicitor will just check and sign it).

Before the divorce is finalised, this document will be routinely checked by the court to make sure it's fair. It can be rejected if not fair to either party.

We were told to try to agree and much as possible between us, because the alternative of getting a court to decide how to split finances is really expensive (can easily cost thousands which will ultimately come out of both your money).

You can get a free or low cost initial meeting with a family law solicitor to discuss anything in more detail (the Advice Now website also has solicitors you can call). My husband had a free half hour meeting. With my own solicitor I had an hour which was £100, and he was very helpful in explaining how the process works.

My solicitor said it's a relief when people work together and that a lot of partners try to argue it shouldn't be an equal division of assets.

Be careful not to agree anything without getting proper advice and reading up.

Everything will need to be considered for the financial settlement- the house, any other assets, child maintenance costs, household bills for both parties, your incomes, any savings, any pensions, cars.

I hope the website and mediation helps and if you need further advice I'd find a low cost solicitor for an initial meeting.

Good luck!

millymollymoomoo · 23/11/2023 18:32

Well technically he’s correct- he’s having to pay to rent elsewhere while his capital is tied up in a home you get some occupancy of so it’s “fair” you pay and he retains his interest

however temporarily switching to interest only is a good option depending on any redemption fees to exit your current mortgage and set up fees on new one

millymollymoomoo · 23/11/2023 18:33

And btw that’s his mesher works to- person remaining (usually) is responsible fir paying full mortgage while other party retains their share

supersonicginandtonic · 23/11/2023 18:54

It depends what he did because if it's bad and illegal he needs to be charged and you not getting that done makes you as bad as him.

MumLass · 23/11/2023 19:54

supersonicginandtonic · 23/11/2023 18:54

It depends what he did because if it's bad and illegal he needs to be charged and you not getting that done makes you as bad as him.

I beg your pardon? The victim in his crime was me.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/11/2023 20:46

I don't know if this is legal or not (please check first!) but you can just apply for the mortgage charter online and change it to internet only for 6 months. Will he even notice ? However I guess if he is paying rent
Elsewhere he shouldn't lose on equity. If you need the cash in the short term you could make a written agreement that he'll get a few more thousand or whatever the difference
Is when it sells?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/11/2023 20:47

I think @supersonicginandtonic thinks you've discovered child images or something else like that on his computer - that's how the op reads

MumLass · 23/11/2023 22:30

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/11/2023 20:47

I think @supersonicginandtonic thinks you've discovered child images or something else like that on his computer - that's how the op reads

God no, it was sharing intimate images of me

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/11/2023 22:46

So sorry to hear that - revenge porn is a Sirius crime he could go to prison for

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