Separated from EA husband in December after discovering repeated infidelities. He refused to move out from our family home so we nested for a while (4 nights with me, 3 with him) and then continued that pattern once I moved into a flat (he would leave the house a tip and left women's underwear/ condoms etc. around for me to find).
We have had visitation once a week each while the kids (5 and 7) are with the other parent but he regularly cuts this off if I won't give him what he wants (a better financial settlement, some of my time with the kids). Regularly late and aggressive at drop off, which makes the children cry, have stomach aches etc. Not a penny of CM since we separated and kids are often in too small/ stained/ holey clothes when they come. Regularly involves the kids in our divorce, telling them things that worry them without letting me know - he told them we were divorcing on his own, without telling me. And often says I am mean and won't let him see them enough, that he is sad, etc etc. Sends me messages when he's fed up explaining how I am abusive, am hurting the kids, everything is my fault, I am terrible at my job.
I hate him.
My kids have been utter troopers despite all of this cr*p behaviour and I could not be more proud of them. After a horrible period of bedwetting, anger, crying, soiling and rampant anxiety for them both which nearly shredded me to see, we've been having fun, calm, joyful times together and I thought we were on the up. I'm proud of myself too - I had a near-breakdown in Feb but have got better, got promoted, got a solicitor, and held it down as best I can for my kids.#
However.
My 7 year old seems to have had a major wobble about Xmas - she wants us to be all together, but I have agreed for us to do Xmas separately as currently there is no telling how my ex will be with me (and also, I find his presence makes my heart pound, and the kids nervous). A lot of stuff has come out - she misses me when she's there, and her dad when she's here, the family home feels sad without me, she has heard people saying mean things about me. My 5 yo repeated something she must have overheard either from me or my family to my MIL (I never, ever, slate their dad in front of them so must have messed up on the phone when I thought they were asleep), and their dad repeated it to my 7 yo explaining what all the words mean and how sad he is about it. She is now worried that I don't love daddy, that people are being mean to him etc etc. (I feel incredibly guilty about this.)
Honestly it feels like such a mess and I am so unsure of what to do to make their lives easier. Pushing for arbitration and failing that will apply for family court to formalise the contact arrangement so we can all get into a proper pattern without ex disrupting it constantly. Court date for finances coming up. Therapy for the oldest child and support from the SENCO (she has terrible school anxiety and always has done). Therapy for me! I try so hard to be the responsible adult and make my time with them as calm and safe as I can.
I am afraid that ex will always have the power to make us miserable and I don't know whether I should simply sue for custody/ EOW sort of arrangement if the kids aren't happy with what we have. Haven't considered this as an option as he is so committed to 50/50 (I suspect to get out of maintenance). Also until now I thought it was broadly working, and that they were struggling to adjust to the separation rather than with the specifics of custody arrangements. Even now I'm not sure if it's just that he keeps messing with the pattern.
He cooks for them, buys them toys and games, takes them to clubs, on trips, helps with homework. So it isn't all bad. But some of it is just so bad - the same manipulation and selfishness he's shown me, he shows them when he tells them stuff he ought not to, and messes with their routine to punish me.
Help and advice on how I can make our lives happier with this person in it would be so welcome. Please give me some strength and hope! Feels so bleak at the moment.