Ex says he will take kids full time and refuses financial disclosure

[DontBuyTheSunOrTheMail]

Where to start?
Married 12 years. 2 young kids. Split 2 years ago. Ex has been intermittently physically and emotionally abusive throughout marriage. He has a self confessed alcohol problem, casual weekend drug use. What a catch!
He works full time in armed forces. I cut hours to part time when eldest was born as he worked away often.
He has never paid a penny for child care - we have maintained separate accounts throughout marriage.
I have done 100% of parenting all the time.
He has no suitable accommodation to take the kids to at present so sees them at the house which we still co own but he doesn’t live here now. Since the split the plan he agreed to is for me to maintain the house as it is the kids home.
He is due to leave forces next year.
He frequently sends abusive drunken messages including images of self harm and threats to take the kids away.
Around 6 months ago he started alluding to having come into a fortune through a compensation claim. He claims he is now a millionaire. He does seem to have had some money but I’m not sure how true his claims are. I suspect a core truth and then wild overstatement. He has not increased any payments to me for the children but has started spending wildly on tailored suits, holidays etc and sending me the pictures of his purchases when drunk. I’m not sure how much money he has come into as the story he says varies wildly. To be clear I don’t want his money despite the fact I am struggling financially but I think he should support the children properly.

He is now repeatedly (this has been going on for weeks) texting (drunk) saying he is going to buy a house worth almost a million, he is going to take the kids away to live with him as he will be retired within the year.

He is occasionally cruel to our eldest. He clearly favours our youngest. He is unreliable and often doesn’t turn up when he says he will to see them. I have evidence of the abusive messages he has sent including self harm images, suicide threats, threats to harm me.

He is saying he will not agree to a financial disclosure. I’ve not started divorce because I’m scared of what will happen in terms of access for him and I’m scared it will escalate his behaviour. As I type at 2.30 am he is bombarding me with texts saying he will take the kids away.

Can he take the kids like that? It would break me. He’s never even put them to bed! He’s never been physically abusive towards the children but can be cruel and I think his substance issues will escalate when he leaves the forces. I don’t want his money I want fairness and I want the kids to be happy and safe. Eldest is old enough to understand our separation (9) and has repeatedly stated she doesn’t want to live with him. Youngest is too little to understand.

Posting in the hope of some advice/venting/I don’t know. I feel so alone in this.

No he can’t just take the kids. Get a solicitor to advise you. Keep all the messages from him.

He won't get a court order for the DC to live with him full time, but he sounds unpredictable and there's a chance he could take them and make it difficult for you to get them back immediately.

See a solicitor asap and consider speaking to the police about his threatening behaviour. They won't do anything but it may work in your favour further down the line to have logged it with police. The family court ignore any claims of abusive behaviour where there hasn't been police involvement in my experience.

I agree with both the above responses.

Make sure you get the best possible solicitor and take charge of the divorce process.

And while your sentiment of not wanting his money is laudable, you need to think of your children and their future.

You don’t need financial disclosure to raise a claim through CMS. Do that now. He should be contributing to the cost of raising his children. Dont listen to any of his nonsense any longer. And yes, go and see a solicitor asap.

See a solicitor.
No he won't be able to "take" the kids. Keep all the evidence of his messages carefully- keep screenshots if they were sent via a means where the sender can delete eg whatsapp. You may need to show these in court some day

You need to apply for a proper divorce and financial settlement. As you reduced your earnings in order to provide childcare you will probably be awarded a bit more than half the assets, including his recent windfall and his valuable Forces pension. He cannot refuse to cooperate with this process.

If he cannot be trusted to keep the kids safe you can apply for his contact with the kids to be supervised. He will not be granted residency, it is clearvut that this would never be in the kids' interests

He sounds like the type to say he wants 50/50 shared care in order to avoid paying any child maintenance. Be warned that there are many tales on here of alcoholic/drug using/violent dads who have been awarded 50/50 care despite clear evidence of those things. I would get a claim for CM in through CMS now, based on the current status quo (kids living with you).

Your older child may have her wishes taken into account regarding where she lives.

Whatever is the outcome re shared care, even if he gets 50/50 he probably won't honour it, so don't lose hope, however bleak the legal advice (which I hope you will get soon) is.

You urgently need a solicitor. Do not take advice from strangers on the internet in a case like this.
And I hope you have some support for you too.

Good luck