So hurt & confused

[Amy993]

Me and husband had been together 12 years and married for 7 and have two children both under 9.

We fell in love really quickly and were best friends. I was only 17 when I met him so he’s been my whole life, our friends are his friends and I really didn’t have much of a relationship with my family so classed his as mine too.

6 months ago he left me two weeks after taking me for a romantic weekend away in which we both had an amazing time (his words) the past year we had been arguing over finances, I was helping my family with money behind his back - out of my own pocket (we never shared money) and was suffering with sever anxiety and depression. We quickly learnt and I finally accepted that it was my family making me feel this way and I was being manipulated and had been since a young girl (I had to grow up quickly). He took me to the doctors, I found a new job and he told me how proud he was of me.

Fast forward to getting back from our weekend away it was a couple of weeks later and we had an argument, I felt I constantly had to ask if he loved me or if I’d done something wrong. He told me he didn’t love me anymore.

He moved out to his mums spare room and initially said he’d still be there for me and we’d still be able to do family days out for the kids, take his name off the bills as he can easily be added back on it need be, still wanted to mow the lawn etc.

This went then to hating me, not talking to me at drop off and pick up with the kids, blocking me on all apps etc bar standard messaging and then even ignores my message, which are only ever to do with the childrens school activities etc. All of his hate came when I had to ask for some child maintenance, I lost my job due to childcare arrangements and was struggling, he told me no as was still paying credit card so I had no choice but to go through csa.

im so hurt that the only consistent thing in my life and someone I idolise now despises me when he made it sound like he’d come home eventually. I pushed my family away when we realised they were making me Ill, he’s told me I’m not allowed to contact his family or our friends as it’s not appropriate.

I find myself now just existing for the kids to collect from school, feed bath and put to bed and on the couple of days they are with him it’s even worse. I am on antidepressants but everyday I’m absolutely exhausted, I’m absolutely devastated and do nothing but cry. I miss him so much, he filed for divorce last week on the day my Nan died.

what do I do? Will he ever stop hating me? I know there is no other woman at the moment but do need to prepare myself for what’s to come. He idolised me and I trusted him with all I had so I’m so hurt.

@Amy993
You need to seek counseling or therapy. You don't seem to have any idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. What you are describing as idolizing sounds more like habit and familiarity. He can not prohibit you from reaching out to anyone with whom you wish to speak. His family may not wish to speak with you as what they know of your situation is likely informed by what he has told them.

Do get some help to get in touch with yourself. You are not some appendage or unhealthy limb of his.

From the posts that you have written, it sounds as though your emotional development and maturing stopped when you met this man.

Get some legal advice and counseling and move on with your life.

Im most certainly mature enough. I had to grow up very quickly and take care of younger siblings at a very young age. Im
not sure I understand what you mean by I don’t understand what a healthy relationship looks like?

@Amy993
I think the fact that you say that you idolize this man suggests that you may not know what health behavior and health responses look like in healthy relationships.

You don't need his permission to speak to anyone you want. Just be aware he might have poisoning the mind of people he stopped you from talking to.

If I was you, I would reassess my relationships with my family without his input.

I also recommend counselling and well done for claiming maintenance for your dc. He left.
💐for the breakdown of your relationship.

I idolise him because I love him and he’s the father of my children. He’s been my entire world from the day we met.

Thankyou, he left because he fell out of love with me. What hurts is that he was so nice at the start and said he still cared but because I had to claim money from him with him still paying debt from our end he’s ended up hating me :( I can’t bare the thought of being hated by anyone especially someone I’ve spent my life with. I can’t help but remember all the lovely memories and be distraught that nothing will be the same again.

Total betrayal helping your family behind his back and I would imagine that's a huge chunk of your problem unfortunately. I couldn't trust someone who did that to me. You will be ok tho one day at a time

You need counselling fast.

you might have issues with your parents - your money and you can help who you like but I think that this needs exploring

he sounds like a total mind fuck

how dare he tell you who you can talk to! And leave you to do all the childcare - how fucking dare he!

You do what you want

get angry

@Amy993
Things may never be the same, but there is the possibility that they will be healthier and happier. With luck your world will expand and you will learn that real love is neither limiting nor controlling.

Why aren't you "allowed" to talk to what are presumably mutual friends? And why are you putting up with this? Some serious red flags here.

I’m inclined to agree with Mari9999. It sounds like you were expected to step up into a caregiver role at a young age. You are still helping our family financially even though money must be tight. It sounds like he swooped in and ‘rescued you’ when you were young and vulnerable. You don’t say how old he was/what the age gap was.
You’re also talking about him going from being super romantic to saying he no longer loves you in the space of two weeks? That’s awful. No wonder you were blind sided.
Unfortunately I don’t think he’s the wonderful man you perceive him to be. He’s treated you like crap! Left you struggling and just waltzed out. That’s not what a wonderful man does! Also he can’t dictate that you can’t talk to friends. If you’ve been together since you were 17, of course most of your friends will be mutual. My XH did that, made a thing of ‘It’ll depend what you tell people as to how they see things’. He was controlling and this was just another way of trying to control me.
I'd advise you get on to entitledto.com to see what financial support you can get. Look into some counselling. You need to process things with someone. You will get through this..but I think you’ll need some support.

@Ladyj84

it was her money, her family. Where do you think the betrayal was exactly??

@Amy993

he’s told me I’m not allowed to contact his family or our friends as it’s not appropriate

tell him to fuck off & you'll talk to who you want to.

most men are all 'I'll support you, we can still be friends' & all that, then do a 180°

there are a lot of problems here & you need to find someone you can trust & talk to

when the man you've loved since you were a teenager & had an adult life with, treats you like this it breaks you in the worst way.

but you're blinded by your love from him & he's controlling & manipulating you . You NEED someone to help you navigate all this.

This is obviously a very hard time for you and it will take a while to process all your emotions. He sounds thoroughly selfish.

I have heard that often when men leave their wives suddenly like your husband did they are wracked with guilt at first with the hurt they have caused. Often they will say anything to soften the blow, we’ll be friends, I’ll pay the bills, I’ll see the kids, mow the grass etc.

But as time goes on, they begin to justify what they have done so they can feel less guilty about their shitty behaviour. They will remember all the ‘wrongs’ you have done, they will decide they haven’t really done anything that bad, really, etc, etc.

Then they start thinking about the money, and like my STBHX it all comes down to the money. They resent you having any of their money.

If you make them feel guilty because you are upset when you meet, that will cause defensiveness and they will punish you for making them feel bad.

It’s a truly horrible situation, you need to reach out to find some support, either friends, family or through your GP.

We never shared money, what was his was his (his idea) I mean helping my family with money but my brother calling me crying saying he was going to have his legs broken if he didn’t pay etc so I thought I was doing what was best. He never asked about it but I never told him.

I took care of my brothers from a young age so in a way felt obliged like a mother

Because he said talking to them is inappropriate because I’ve been nasty to him (asking for child maintenance whilst he pays credit card) but that was as a family and unfortunately was of no help to me bringing the children up when he just upped and left. I don’t want to cause him anymore reason to hate me because I was to co parent as best I can for the sake of our children and if we can’t be together I’d rather be a friend and not tarnish all the lonely memories we have.

You can't control his feelings, what has happened in the past, or whether he is friends with you. You can take control of your own actions from now. Stop trying to win him back and get some counselling. Do not pay any more money to anyone else, you can't afford it. Make sure that you have all the benefits you are entitled to and continue with the child support claim. It may be in time that you can be warm to each other and both put aside hurt for the sake of the children. For now civil and factual is the best you can hope for.

Thanks for all the replies. I think it’s the not understanding why he left in the first place, we always promised eachother that if we ever felt like things were bad then we would be honest and try but I was never given that opportunity. I’m not trying to get him back I’m just trying to be friends as I didn’t want this and when he left he said we’d be friends and he’ll care for me but he just felt like he’d lost himself because I suffered with anxiety for the past year. The reason I suffered with anxiety is because my family were manipulative but I didn’t see it. He helped me, said he was proud of me and then just dropped me. Our mutual friends are his friends first but I was introduced and over time became really good friends with their wives. So naturally they are going to stay with him and if he’s asked they don’t talk to me then they’ll do just that. In the space of 6 months I realised what my family were (toxic) lost his family because he left and all my friends. Lost my job because of childcare and I have very few friends now but I don’t want to put on them and just feel I’m pushing people away because I should just get on with it now and I get the impression they are sick or hearing about it. The reason his family don’t talk to me is because he’s asked them not to because I’ve been horrible to him. His reason for me being horrible is purely because I have been to csa for money but I had no choice after losing my job- he said he doesn’t see why he should pay for the kids as well as the loan but the loan was something already done, in his name and is of no use to me bringing the kids up now, I mean I can’t help that he decided to walk out. I hate now that everyone thinks so bad and little of me :(

He sounds like a controlling narcissist and one day you'll look back on this time and realise you are so much better off free of his influence over your every action. Can you access therapy to help work through your feelings?

I’m getting that from everyone it’s just hard to see for yourself isn’t it! I had cbt through the doctors but was absolutely useless like they were robots and private councilling is £70 a session.. something I can’t afford. It’s hard not having a family to pick up the phone to :( I know get the violins out🤣

I am so sorry op, but you only have one viable option and that is to look forward and start planning the future you want tiny steps at a time.
Look at possible part time jobs or training options that could work for you, start working towards this a step each day however small.

Do one thing daily to reach out to old friends and arrange a coffee, if they won't speak to you, then look at ways to meet new friends, class/training/job, anything you can meet new people at, be brave and ask to meet up for a playdate or coffee.

Cry over him when you need to but then put a stop to it, and get up and do something positive take a bath, do a fun game with Dcs, call a friend, plan a day out with Dcs.

Be as regimented in just doing those three things daily and in a month you will be amazed how far you have come. This too shall pass. You will heal.

She's not doing all childcare on the couple of days they are with him it’s even worse.
Don't feel guilty about the child maintenance if you've gone through the gov agency it's how much (minimally!) that he should be paying. Are you working? If kids are both 'under 9' what actual ages? I'm assuming both at school?

Thanktou that helped! It’s hard not to look back on happy memories. 12 years is a long time and all I know so I feel I won’t be able to go on our normal holidays because it’s seems to painful, still can’t listen to music and can’t concentrate watching the tv but I have come some way in 6 months however small x

Both at school. Yes I was working but lost my job when he left as all childcare broke down with him and his family etc/ I am trying to find something that fits in with the children but have been told he won’t be helping with school holidays etc so it’s incredibly difficult!

He has the children one day and overnight, one pick up from school for a couple of hours. I doesn’t leave me much Lee way to fine morning or evening work and finding something in school hours is like gold dust!