He is having a baby with new partner

[Mariedup]

we separated 4 years ago, our kids are young adults, he left me for another woman, much younger. I didn’t see it coming at all, and it was the most traumatic year of my life. Now he is with another woman, also younger. They are expecting a child. I can’t have children any more myself, of course.
I feel betrayed again, it’s like the second punishment. He is starting again, a new family. I feel like my children are betrayed too. I have a new partner who is divorced too, and I love him dearly, but I can’t talk to him about how I feel about this pregnancy. I fear he will think that I’m not over with my ex, which I think is not true. My sad feelings today are not of hurt love, more of hurt mother. Please advise, dear community!

I'm in a similar boat OP and was completely blindsided by it. It has taught me that you just have to see it that you can't control his actions and I'd almost try and think of what else he could to so he doesn't catch you off guard again.

I don't know why you can't speak to your partner though? Why can't you just say that it's nothing to do with having feelings for your ex but just feelings of loss (ie even if you wanted to have more children, you can't) and also the impact on your children (ie that it will significantly change their lives to have more children)?

You haven’t been betrayed again
this woman was nothing to do with your break up
he is entitled to move on

what is it you are really upset about? Sounds like it’s more that you can’t have any more ? That’s poignant moment for all of us

and just think, while you can embrace your life and have freedom to do so, he is starting all over again with the sleepless nights, the nappies, the toddler years!

If your marriage ended 4 years ago, your ex is entitled to move on and have another relationship& child if that is what he wants.

Maybe try to see the pleasure a new little brother or sister could give your dcs.

I'd feel sorry for the man, almost.

How many more years of sleepless nights, nappies, school run, reduced disposable income etc, when he could be enjoying uninterrupted sleep, sex, holidays, cars, etc.

Maybe look at it like that.

The references in your post to betrayal and punishment imply some very mixed up conditioning that you haven’t addressed and really should. I don’t think your partner could be expected to support those feeling if you aren’t going to challenge them yourself.

My advice would be to get some good therapy to unpick why you have those feelings because they are going to stop you being happy and impact on your children and partner.

There is no betrayal involved in having a second family. Your ex doesn’t owe you a life of martyrdom or sacrifice because you were once together. They certainly aren’t trying to punish anyone.

If your adult children see the birth of another sibling as a betrayal then they too need to work through that. They should be old enough to accept they can’t control other people’s relationships or decisions and shouldn’t want to.

Focus on the positives, you have your independence back you can travel, sleep in do whatever you like.
Whilst he is stuck with sleepiness nights, nappies, school run, taxiing, children's tv

I think if your children are older and your possibly peri monaposal the fact that he is having a baby with his new partner can hit harder. You may have had another child with him. Then as your kids got older you would have had more free time or be making plans for holidays ect.

Instead you now have older kids that are getting more independent. In X period of time they could be living away from home.
Meanwhile your ex in back to a new baby, toddler and small child stage. He is older. He might find that his new partner will expect him to do the night feed's and do more child minding than he did with his older kids. He won't have as much free time as his other friends with older children.

In effect he is going back to the start line and your 2/3 through the race.

If your a man who leaves his wife or long term partner for someone years younger it might appear great then. When she says she wants a baby or tells him she is pregnant it can appear to be a great idea. When the baby is 6 months old, crying always and no one is getting much sleep the 2 of them could be fighting like cat and dog.

I would tell him now that he has to tell your children about his partner pregnancy as it's not your job to do this. Tell him it not fair if they hear this from another person.
If they are not happy let him deal with the fall out.
I don't know your children and their ages but he has to consider them now as well as the baby due in X period of time.

@Mariedup
You might as well be angry with nature, the fact that you are too old to have another child is not his fault. It is nature's way. If your children have made a healthy adjustment betrayal is not what they will be feeling. Your ex was not supposed to live his life with your marriage and family as some kind of iconic shrine. It is unfortunate that you feel that way.

You may be being less than honest with yourself about your resolved feelings for him.

I’ve been through exactly this

Some good replies on here, and some, less helpful

What helped most was a good counsellor