Christmas

[Pippasdogs]

Second Christmas since separating and it's all still so difficult.

ExH is extremely passive and I've been asking for his thoughts on how we split the Christmas holidays. He's now sent me a list of dates that he wants my son with him and overnight stays. Great but now he's demanding an answer whereas I have been asking for this for at least 2 months and I've booked things on some dates he's asking for. No problem as I will just look at other dates to suggest to him. Last year I accommodated him on Christmas day so DC could have us all together on the big day. It caused me a lot of anxiety for reasons I won't go into. He causes me a lot of anxiety. He acts like we were never married and never has discussed the separation.

It's all so stressful. DC have a good relationship with ExH. Although he isn't a very proactive father and currently only does 1 overnight per week. I've asked him if he wants to do anymore but so far hasn't stepped up to it. Recently my DC refused to stay a second night.

I am stressed up to the eyeballs with everything else. Can others please share any tips and what a good schedule looks like. TIA

why the hell didn’t you furnish him with the dates that you wanted as a starting point?

whereas I have been asking for this for at least 2 months and I've booked things on some dates he's asking for.

op - you have have been the one to give him the list of dates rather than repeatedly asking him but then also booking things up. doesn’t make sense

why didn’t they want to stay a second night?

Have you communicated the dates you have booked things with him? It seems odd to ask him, but book things anyway. Surely you'd say what dates do you want, I've been looking at xy and z activities on an and c dates, I'm going to book next Friday.

exactly

OP you are the cause of this particular situation!

Yes I have given the dates of things I ended up booking due to him not responding to me. I also gave reminders that I was wanting to book a couple of Christmas things for DC before they sold out and that I couldn't hang around forever waiting for him. Perhaps I should have been more assertive about it.

I'm not asking for who is to blame here or who is the cause of the situation.

DC refused to stay a second night recently (weekend) and said they wanted to come home instead. ExH packed them up and dropped them off with no explanation just said they didn't want to stay another night.

ok so the ones that you have the heads up about - that’s fine

the ones where you left for him to dictate his preference…. any that doesn’t suit you, have a conversation

how old are your children?

My ex doesn’t respond either and then he tries to ruin my plans. I now email him a proposed list of dates, well ahead of time, and then say ‘if I don’t hear from you with a response within 7 days it is assumed that this is agreed and I will go ahead and book activities for my dates’

and then what?

Why is he getting a choice? Surely he'll just get his normal visitation. If he only does one night a week all year then he doesn't get the pick of high days and holidays.

Thanks for this. I know I need to be more assertive in this way.
For various reasons I find it very difficult to do so. What response do you usually get from your ex? What do you mean he tries to ruin your plans?

Yes part of me feels like this too. I've asked a few times to discuss the schedule, but it's never forthcoming.

ExH is generally amenable to doing more and for instance if I am sick or have work commitments he has stepped in. So we have some flexibility between us which is a good thing.

However yes he really only does 1 night per week and a couple of pickups. Then seems to want a lot more time during holidays. It's completely unfair from that perspective isn't it. I've been trying to see the positive side of this in terms of him taking leave to cover the school holidays. But it means all the day to day drudgery is 99% on me.

Maybe I just need to be more assertive and just put forward what I want.

Then I follow through with the plan I’ve set out. He can’t complain if he hasn’t even responded (which he doesn’t).

He sometimes kicks up a fuss and gets back to me weeks later saying ‘you can’t do this or whatever’ but by then I’ve already made plans with others, booked tickets etc so then I just tell him it’s too late and he should have got back to me earlier.

I am going to take children arrangements to court and will hopefully get something very specific down in writing to deal with this sort of thing.

He usually doesn’t respond, or responds with lots and lots of complaints or threats but no actual solutions. He just tries to pick an argument usually.