I honestly didn't even know this was a thing until yesterday. I left (fled) from my ex back in 2011 with my two kids aged 7 and 18 months.
To list how awful the relationship had gotten but without the triggering details:
Emotional abuse (daily)
Financial control
Gaslighting
Verbal abuse
Love bombing
Threats of taking the children away
Violence
Sabotage
Even so, I tried to be amicable over the years as the children adored him and I felt guilty for "splitting up the family".
I had to tiptoe around him and fawn, to prevent him "coming after me". He had such a huge amount of control over me, he forced me to accept responsibility for him making himself intentionally homeless, I had to house him with me, he would eat my food, drive my car, even sleep in my bed, he made me feel so helpless that he STILL had access to my finances for years afterwards, up until just last year. We shared custody about 70/30, going up to about 60/40. He never paid towards the children's clothes, food, toys, nothing. He said he'd done hos research and that he had the children just enough that he wasn't liable. All very calculating. I was to keep him informed of every aspect of my life, phone calls etc. Otherwise I'd be in trouble. Framed as "co-parenting" I was forced to host him for Christmasses, birthdays etc.
I could go on about him, but hopefully you get the idea.
My DS is nearly 20 now and we have a great relationship. But my DD age 14 is what is breaking my heart.
For the las 2 .5 years she has lived 100% at her dad's 1 bedroom flat.
During lockdown, her mental health plummeted and I suspected autism. She was lying all the time, very restrictive eating, very controlling behaviour for example "you're supposed to be my friend not my boss" and refusing all my instructions for basic hygeine, mealtimes, cleaning her bedroom, going to bed on time for schooling. Everything I said or did was wrong or abusive in her eyes.
I would ask my ex for help and he would just say "I don't have that problem, it is something you're doing wrong". I bought parenting books, spoke to the school, paid for a private child therapist, asked her to write her feelings down, tried to "water the seeds" in her that were positive, like her art. I even contacted chidren's charities for help. I really tried my best. All I got back from her was that I was controlling and abusive. I really was just doing normal parenting stuff, setting healthy boundaries and giving her age appropriate tasks to complete.
One day she left for school after an argument about her being on her phone when she was told she shouldn't be on it and she never came home. She went to her dad's and that's where she has been ever since.
I've tried everything! I was alienated by the school, she told them I was abusive. They ignored my requests for assessment. She started self harming at her dad's, the first time was after he shouted at her. After that, she became so anxious that anything would set her off and she was pulled out of school. She had zero education while off school (we are post covid at this point) and no one saw the red flags at all, despite me pointing them out. Self harming and not going to school/not being educated at home. She was going to bed at 3am and not waking till 3 or 4pm every day. Eating junk food and having unrestricted access to the internet, watching harmful content (I know all this from my son telling me). I invited her on holiday last year to Costa Del Sol and instead of a yes or no, she sent me abuse and demanded £50 a week pocket money OR ELSE (she threatened to tell the council I wasn't entitled to a house because she didn't live with me anymore).
Now the last time I physically saw my daughter was Christmas day last year. We actually had an amazing day. The whole day was for her, I got her all her favourite foods, spent a small fortune on presents for her, did everything for her and told her how much I loved her, that her bed is always made and she can coe home any time she wishes.
After what I thought was amazing, I text her to invite her over one evening and found I had been blocked on everything. She wrote me an awful email saying she hates me, I am the cause of all her problems and that I should drop dead and rot in hell. (actual words).
2 days ago I contacted my ex after months of no contact with him asking to set up mediation with him. I said I wanted regular updates with him about DD welfare. He replied the next day saying he had asked DD what she thought and she had become "very upset" so he was declining mediation on that basis.
I see a psychotherpaist because of PTSD, cPTSD and now also I am being assessed for Autism/ADD through the NHS (2 year wait) and she has been saying for years that he is still abusing me, by proxy through our daughter.
But it has taken this text from my ex for it to really sink in. The only reason he disclosed my propsed mediation to her was purely to upset her, to control the narrative about my intentions and further alienate and monster me. He is actively sabotaging me!
What can I do? I am on disability benefits due to my mental health so I can't fund a court case privately.
I have very thin skin and am ashamed I am being abused all these years, still.