When do we tell the kids?

[TangoParadise]

In the process of separating from husband. Things are very up and down at home and I’m already sleeping on the pull out bed in one of the children’s bedrooms, citing dad’s snoring as the reason. Eldest dc is aware we aren’t getting on, youngest oblivious.

We were thinking of telling the children soon as we feel it’s getting harder to hide, however, I’ve just read that the whole divorce process can take around 9 months! I didn’t realise that it would take so long and sadly neither of us can move out until the house is sold. I’ve been advised to initiate the divorce proceedings before putting the house on the market so it could a long time before either of us can move out.

Do we wait to tell the kids (9 & 13) or still tell them now as at times we struggle to sit in the same room and quite frankly, our eldest isn’t stupid.

i just want to do the right thing by them. I don’t want to burden them too early but also don’t want to hide things if at least one of them is aware already that things are not good.

Personally at that age you need to tell them. You can't sleep in your child's room for another 9 months without it becoming obvious and it may make them more anxious if they think they know something but no one tells them the truth. I was very careful to tell my child the truth as quick as possible but she still often throws back at me the little white lies I thought I was telling to protect her

Before you tell them to nsure you have answers to questions they’ll have- or fear and anxiety will fill the hole

1. why are you not going to be married any more
2. do you not love each other, why not
3. who will I live with- explain approx how custody will work
4. where will I live - explain house sale, where you intend to live ( area, size of house, rough days of split), , how it effects schooling,
5. when will we move then
6. will I still have my own bedroom
7. where will my “stuff” be kept
8. what will happen for Xmas/ holidays etc
9. Arrangements for clubs, hobbies etc

and any other questions you can anticipate.

youdont need the detail answers, but a rough outline of what you have agreed. Do not ask them what they want to do- you both must take command, and ensure you fill the void of unknown, with coherent reassurance about how they will still be a family.

until you have those answers, do not talk to them. So get a wiggle on agreeing it all.

You totally need to tell them soon. Children make up stories in their head, because they try to understand why things are different and they come up with answers which can be really damaging, like it’s their fault. As of the reasons why you split, I wouldn’t go into details, just say that mum and dad don’t want to live together any more. Obviously saying that you don’t love each other sounds like the right thing to say but then when you add “but we will love you forever”, it does undermine it.