Does it ever work if you go back?

[starymoon]

Husband and I separated in February this year. When I met him he had 3 children who lived with him, we then had 2 of our own. After our children were born I struggled with the huge weight of everything. I done everything for everyone, housework, cooking, shopping, cleaning, admin whilst also working full time as a teacher. He'd do things if asked, but never off his own back. I was exhausted and our sex life was almost non existent, this bothered him and it caused so many rows. He did make a small effort to share the load but it wasn't enough. Eventually I decided that enough was enough and told him I wanted to separate. We stayed in the house together for a couple of months, it remained the same as before with me doing everything but I knew it wasn't forever. We got on well, no arguments but then he decided he couldn't carry on that way as he loved me and it hurt, so me and the kids moved in with my parents.

We've been here 6 months now and it's been so much harder than I thought living with my mum. Our house is on the market but isn't selling so I can't really go anywhere else, when it's sold I'll buy my own house.

Last few weeks I'm starting to wonder if I've made a mistake. Whenever I go to the house to drop the kids off or pick them up it's so clean and tidy, he cooks the kids proper meals, he makes a Sunday roast, I can count on 1 hand the number of meals he made when I was at home and it was only ever quick and simple like scrambled eggs, beans on toast. I honestly thought he'd fall apart without me but he hasn't, he's absolutely fine. It's always tidy, I had to pop in to pick up the kids coat on Monday morning as he'd forgot to pack them, there were no coffee cups or crisps/biscuit wrappers on the coffee table, no breakfast pots left in the sink.. things that always enraged me every day when I came downstairs.

Part of me feels completely devastated and taken for granted for the last 12 years but the other part thinks maybe he's changed and realised and it could work, that's bonkers isn't it?

I can't decide if I'm actually starting to regret this, or just struggling at my mums and it seems like a better option, loneliness kicking in??

Does it ever work if you go back?

It can work. I've known couples to divorce and 5yrs down the line remarry. My best friend is also dating her 'ex' and says it really works with them living apart because it stops all those little annoyances becoming unbearable because she can always tell him it's time for him to go home for a few nights. I don't believe anything is permanent and it's always ok to say I made a mistake.
I would say that if your ex also wants to revive the relationship then get counselling, both separately and together and then take dating really really slowly.

Yes, if you want it to. You say he didn't want the marriage to end, so maybe you leaving was the wake up call he needed. He has been doing it all for his kids, so probably now has a better insight into how hard it is trying to do everything. People can and do change their behaviour.

I say this as someone who is in the process of reconciling with their H. We have lived apart for 2 years, no relationship for the 1st 15 months of that, and been slowly coming back together since. I had counselling, he has had counselling, next stage is us going together...

Presumably he was also able to take care of his kids and his house on his own before you came along though? Then you were there to do it all, and now you're not so he's back to having to do it himself? How do you know that won't happen again?

Even when you decided to separate and stayed living there he did nothing?

It's fairly risky going back considering it's 6 months down the line and your kids have been through the break up.
What if you go back and then your kids have to go through all of that again?

You would have to take it extremely slowly.

The grass isn’t always greener, sometimes it is though. If there is genuine love there on both sides you could suggest couples counselling to see if you can work through issues. He may though of course have found someone else during the period of separation. Why not float the idea of couples counselling and see how he reacts? Or go for individual counselling on your own.

Sadly I find that even worse in some ways that he is actually competent, so obviously he just didn't respect you enough to pull his weight. Be glad you are rid of this selfish pig.

This. He's perfectly capable of doing everything. He just can't be fucked to as long as he has a domestic appliance woman there to do it for him.

has he at any point apologised for letting you take everything on, now that he knows what its actually like? has he shown any self-reflection or ownership for what went wrong? that would be the absolute minimum required to even think about it. He should be feeling ashamed right now.

If he is doing it all thinking 'I don't know what she was complaining about, it's easy' nothing is going to be different if you go back