How to stop letting it get to me

[MintGreenPolo]

I still feel really angry that my ex has chosen to not bother with our children after we split and I don’t know how to stop feeling annoyed, other single parents don’t get it they either tell me I’m lucky he isn’t around or say they totally get how I feel then go on to say their ex has the children every weekend 😒 I was once ranting about how it dawned on me my ex will never ever do the school run, take our kids to appointments, cook them dinner, have them sleep over and got told by 2 single mums they know exactly how I feel as their ex only sees the kids every weekend so will never take them to school either?! Completely missing the point as they still get every weekend free and their children still have a relationship with their father but mine never will. No point to this really other than wondering how to stop letting it bother me? I read post from other single parents and feel jealous their exes are involved 😕

You can’t force the process. You will probably be legitimately annoyed for a long time.

Eventually as you adjust to the routine of doing it all, your kids get bigger and more self-sufficient and you focus on the rewards of parenting, you will just come to accept that no, it’s not fair but the loss is really his.

He has ditched the work of parenting but the rewards make the work worth it. Given the choice, you would never give up your kids for all that freedom, would you? Eventually your annoyance will settle down in to something that is more like pity with a side of eye roll, and a kind of regretful acceptance on behalf of your kids that they don’t have the father they deserve.

The way I looked at it, was that I didn't want to be miserable and didn't want my DC to be miserable, so you learn to brush it off, pick yourself up and pick the kids up with you and live your best life.

Honestly as time goes on I genuinely wish I could be the NRP and just get all the fun parts and none of the hard work. I’m not finding them getting easier just harder and when they were little I wouldn’t have wanted to be away from them but I don’t feel like that now and would love weekends to myself.

I get it. It's flipping hard work being the one having to do the 24/7 weeks and weekends, the appointments, the cooking, the shopping, the cleaning up after them, parents evenings, the school runs, the clubs, the illnesses, the emotional upsets and the rest

XH gave up on his kids when he left. DD never sees him now, as he's disappointed her too many times. DS does, as he feels obligated.

They're nearly adults. They know I'm the one who's always there for them. Whilst I wouldn't have it any other way, I'm sad that they've missed out on having the dad experiences and guidance that they should have had growing up. Instead they were made to feel less important by him, as once he left, everything was all about him and his needs and wants. They had to bend to him if they wanted to see him rather than him pursue them to make up for what he'd stolen from them.

The way I dealt with my anger towards him about this is to realise it's ok to be angry, as he hurt my children. I will never stop being cross with him about this until the day I die. I'd have loved weekends and holidays to myself, but I love my kids more than life. I channelled my anger into loving them fiercely and constantly showing them how they were my priority and first thought. One of their parents needed too.

Years on, I still occasionally get ranty angry to a friend about him when he does something particularly selfish that again affects the kids. On 2 occasions this year I've had to see my children's faces sink when they read a text from him that lets them down. Makes my blood boil every time.

Whilst I've let go of the anger I feel because of his behaviour towards me, I don't think I'll ever move past the anger I feel when I think about the effect his absence in their lives had on his children. Maybe you won't either.

How old are your dcs, OP?

My ex doesn't have our ds over night. He's never done a school run or arranged any aspect of ds' life. He turned remote & controlling when ds was 3 days old, then was incoherent with rage and checked out completely when I left him.

I am relieved every day to have escaped the control he tried to inflict, which helps. Beyond that I don't think about him. I'm busy enjoying just being me. @TiptoeThroughTheToadstools approach is right. I won't allow the ex's nasty nature to put a cloud over our life. He let us down, maybe I did too by making such a poor choice, but now he's gone, irrelevant. We've rebuilt.

As for always having ds and never having a weekend free, I love my ds and enjoy being with him. He is funny, determined and interesting. We get on well. I also work full time which gives me adult conversation, academic challenge and a sense of self.

I found the early years when ds went to bed at 7pm were easy because I'd get a couple of hours to myself most evenings. The bit between 8 and 12 were harder because dcs stay up later but are too young to be left for any length of time, and then from 13 onwards, things gradually get easier.

Now he's a teen, I'm rebuilding my social life before he heads off to work/uni and takes his noisy friends with him.

Maybe you need a 'you project'. Something to focus on that is not for your dcs, is for you alone, and is about your achievements.

Thanks all for understanding. As much as I would love to spend every weekend with my kids I do crave for some alone time so I can have a life to myself. I’m bored of sitting in every Friday/ Saturday night with kids on my own. It’s extremely lonely and isolating.

I often feel the same - here I am on a Saturday night aged 40 in bed - all the kids asleep in here as we watched a film. I feel lonely and isolated but the thought of them
Not being here and being with their dad terrifies me. (He sees them for an hour per fortnight and no overnights). I think it's the constant swinging from wanting some alone time but not being away from them which is a emotionally exhausting - I hate feeling like I've been forced into things - time away from the kids would be forced as it was him that left. This wasn't what I wanted at all.

I would happily hand my kids over to my ex I often dream about doing it he just wouldn’t take them but then I don’t feel sad if my kids are not here. I feel like life is passing me by and by the time they are old enough I will be too old to start again 😔

I feel your pain, it was 16 years before I had a weekend without my DCs and that's because my parents saw I was at breaking point dealing with DS2 when he was about 14. My XH had decided he wanted to live in a different country and then once I was there he returned to the UK to be with his girlfriend. I was completely isolated and alone for years.

I am still angry with XH after more than 10 years. Only tonight I had a rant when talking to my friend because even though my DCs are in higher education he doesn't support them emotionally or financially, it's all down to me.

BUT my relationship with my DCs now is amazing, we are very strong, they know I've done all I can for them, but more importantly they know that they are the most important thing in my life and they can come to me any time.

I don't think the anger will ever leave, but it does take a back seat.

Is there anyone you know who would babysit so you have the option to do something just for you?

I say this because when I was 16 I used to babysit for my sisters friend who was a lone parent, zero input from Dad. I'd go round probably twice a month so she could go outwith her sister and did the occasional couple of hours on the weekends when she started an exercise class. She paid me pocket money which suited me and I did the same with my kids when my friends daughter reached 16 - my kids absolutely loved her and it gave me some freedom without feeling like I was asking anyone for a favour.

It works for me to find my own solution to things when people let me down - take back the control and get what you need to be happy.

Perhaps what would be helpful is finding a way to take on some extra work so that you can afford to hire a babysitter and give yourself that break you want?

I don’t feel like we have a strong relationship at all. I’m always frazzled and stressed and it’s affecting our relationship because I’m always the ranty mum though I wish I wasn’t. There is no one that will have them for me, my mum use to have them years ago but she won’t anymore she will only have my brothers children now. There is no one else.

My wife left me a couple of months after our son went to university in 2017. He’s graduated, got an MA and is back living with me now. He’s on the autistic spectrum so still a lot of work aged 25. Of course the prospect of him living by himself, because of housing costs is remote, although he was fairly independent at university. I do end up more or less waiting on him hand and foot, particularly as he usually works at the weekend. My wife is now living with her boss several hundred miles away. She’s effectively abandoned him for all practical purposes. He’s spent every Christmas with me apart from the first one. She only sees him as a sort of side trip for other things she’s travelling down here for.