We had such an awful relationship and acrimonious divorce, but although the DC live with me, there has to be a lot of contact during drop-offs and shared school meetings due to SEN needs.
I realise any contact needs to be considerate of the children, who still want their parents to be at peace and preferably still be living together -though of course there's no way that will ever happen - and it's difficult to navigate.
I am cordial, but this is the father of my children and he has done me a great deal of damage so the feelings are extremely mixed and although I am so relieved to at least be free, there's is a deep sorrow for the children and for myself because I always wanted to give a stable family situation to the children and to feel wanted in a relationship myself. I guess it kind of make you doubt your worth and I'm trying to build my confidence, but I am aware I struggle with any contact during handover.
I tried to keep interactions to a bare minimum, but he will constantly be trying to engage in conversation. My friends tell me it is to control me and I think they are right, but it's difficult to keep a distance when contact has to be had, and I'm trying to make it as reasonable and natural to the children as possible. For example, discussing Football equipment, or last-minute arrangements for matches at the door is more effective than emailing and texting if it needs to be dealt with in the moment.
If I am too nice, it feels dangerous because I am letting down my guard and I can't afford to. It also feels false because I feel too injured by him to be open enough to be really nice. If I'm open then it hurts that I've been treated so badly, so I can be cordial but just cooly cordial and not too warm. It's also stops him from pushing my boundaries of him, not entering my house, though there are times, he does try so I have to be on my guard. It really is a case of giving him an inch and he will take a mile.
Only, the children aren't stupid and they can sense my distance and sometimes I am quizzed about it but other times I might get tearful bemoaning of the fact that Mum and Dad can't get on. They ask for us to spend Christmas Day, or New Year's Day together still, and I suspect the ex would agree to it but again, only as an act of control. I can't think of a worse way to see in my New Year than with an ex who has caused me (and the DC) so much difficulty.
How do other people manage this very difficult situation? I suppose it goes without saying that it won't be helpful to hear people saying how wonderfully close they are to their ex and how everything is linked in a beautiful way for the children, because we will never have that.
I've got to do this for at least another decade and I find it very hard to think of where I'm going to get the strength from so I wondered if there are any people in the same boat and how they get through it.