Final Blow

[AshleyMadisonVictim]

I've name changed:

Just caught husband messaging another woman courtesy of Ashley Madison.
This is after finding him doing the same last year, going through the motions of marriage counselling etc/
Anyway; he has a problem.

I am devastated, but unlike last year when I knew that I wanted to keep my marriage and family together, I now realise that the only way to save myself is to divorce him. The counsellor told me that there was a pattern of behaviour and that he was dangerous for me as he lacked any empathy or remorse.

Well, so here I am. Less than six weeks off Christmas and facing a bleak future. 2024 looks set to be a shocker.

Please can someone give me some tips on how not to lose my heart and mind in all of this?

I've never been so low or alone.

What a kick in the face you’ve had, you quite rightly feel low and down.
Firstly don’t beat yourself up over his actions, you could be the best partner in the world, but some men just take advantage of the fact, deluded narcissists that they are.
I have to ask does he know that you know? That will affect how to proceed, and getting through this.

Bleak? 2024 will be fantastic op. Await the black clouds lifting. They really will.

He knows. I told him (somewhat hystericall)h) and he went out on the piss. He had blocked my calls and messages. He can't face the consequences of his actions, so he has a good time out with his friends instead.

I can't believe he'd risk losing his family for this.

I am devastated. The kids are going to be devastated.

He doesn't want me to "throw him under the bus" by telling them why we are separating.

No darling, bleak would be another year staying in this marriage, continuing to blindly hope that he will change.

2024 is looking like a fresh start for you!

My DP had an affair and we separated in early 2017. You go through the whole spectrum of emotions, fear about the future, anger, sadness, concern for your children. But you now now need to be strong and ruthless - make sure you fight for what you are entitled to financially and start to emotionally cut yourself off. Protect your children - depending on their ages they don't need need to know the whole truth. They still need a relationship with their dad. Be the bigger person, take the moral high ground and you will come through this.

Throw him under a bus? He stepped right in front of it himself. Twat.

So he expects to be able to disrespect you, be a lying cheating scumbag and wants the children to believe the sun shines out of his backside

Self entitiled prick!

Not bleak at all .
Once the emotional turmoil settles you will see a much better future for yourself .

This is day one of the rest of my life.

I'm so scared.

Make sure you continue with counselling for yourself.

Anyway; he has a problem. He does t have a problem, he is the problem. He doesn't care. And that was scarily pointed out by the counsellor when they said he was dangerous for you.

The counsellor told me that there was a pattern of behaviour and that he was dangerous for me as he lacked any empathy or remorse. Lacked any empathy and remorse. This is such a shocking sentence for the counsellor to have said.

I've never been so low or alone. It sounds like youve been alone is a bad marriage for a long time. Focus on rebuilding your life with tour kids and youll feel much better really soon. A man lacking empathy and remorse will just be dragging you down. Once that weight has gone youll feel much better.

AshleyMadisonVictim This says so much, and why you absolutely need fo stay in counselling. He was described as dangerous for you. You are nit the victim of a random internet site. You are the victim of your dh.

Yes, definitely stick with the counselling OP.
And I know you're absolutely reeling but ffs get your hands on every financial statement and legal document you can and see a lawyer asap.
You need to know your rights before this bastard tries to stitch you up. You've had horrible proof that he has zero morals. Don't agree to anything before you've done that.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Its hideous and you feel you're falling apart, but try to hold yourself together long enough to protect yourself and those DC.

Being scared is normal but in action won't help.

So now you act. Do you have any friends who would recommend their divorce lawyer? At the same time you can start to get the word out.

Make appointments to see several. While waiting for the appointments you gather everything you will need for those appointments.

Make an appointment with 2 reasonable estate agents to get your house valued.

Find the mortgage papers, house deeds, salary slips, passports, all financials, pensions, savings bank account details etc.

And you stop sharing information with you stbxh.

Then you sit down and you work out what you want from the divorce. Write that list it is for the lawyer.
Write a second list of what you can live with and that's for you eyes only.

Work out what works for the kids best in terms of time with each parent (I'm assuming you have kids). And what allows both parents to work and support themselves.

When you have got as much of the ground work covered as possible and know the reality of the situation work out where to go from there.

Please don't think of the future as bleak. I left my ex and while the planning and actually leaving was stressful, the reality was:

a huge relief
the first time I had felt truly relaxed in ages
no more walking on egg shells, wondering if it was me, trying to be something I shouldn't have had to be.
I could be totally self indulgent for a while - choose my food, my clothes, my entertainment, my decor, my hobbies, my sleep pattern without taking him into account and it was sheer luxury
Children aren't stupid, and they'll feel the lessening of tension too.

The first few months will be tough and a learning curve, but trust me, after that your life will be SO much better. xx

Hi - In relation to the advise you asked. If I would go back, I would stay calm, playing the long term game in a separation is the essence. Easier said than done I gather but I wish I had followed that advise. Instead of being shocked at every single ambush and back stabbing I have received from day one.
Big hug, tell yourself you can do it

Thank you everyone.

At the moment he's sleeping off his hangover in our daughters bed. He is worried about what everyone will think.

So he didn't and doesn"t care what you think or how you feel, but is worried about what everyone else will think.

Well now you know where you are in his personal pecking order.

Paperwork, lawyer, disclosure.

Yes. It is scary. I was there in October 2022. Shitting myself.

You will be scared and anxious for a while. A good while possibly.

But you know what? Slowly slowly this will become normal to you. Your anxiety will start to lift eventually. The fear will fade. I promise you.

And one day, not too far off, you will feel strong. You will look like yourself again. You will feel very capable.

Meanwhile, get ruthless. He has screwed you over yet again. Divorce him. Don't listen to his bleating. He is scum.

What a classic cowardly narcissist worrying what others will think.

Once you're out of this op you'll realise how wrong, him, and your marriage has been.

Play divorce cards as close to your chest as you can. I'd advise you to tell a few people in real life. Shame and embarrassment belong entirely to him, not you. How old are your kids?

My ex left for someone else and told the kids he left because we rowed and didn't make each other happy. One of them was angry with me for a really long time. I just sacked it up but I hugely regret this now.

If your kids are of an age where they can understand I'd be honest in an age appropriate way.

Gather all docs/pensions/bank accounts now in case he decides to be a dick with money.

@Morewineplease10
We have teenagers and the youngest is 8.

I don't really know any them to know this is who their father really is, but I don't want them to blame me because actually, despite my husband that it is my fault, the fault is entirely his.

Hmm. I would be quite honest with the dcs without going into details.

Your stbxh sounds like a narcissist. Worried about his image and not about the devastation he's caused. Creep.

Bin him. Be cold. He's not your friend. He had and will continue to betray you.

Yabu to your dc to allow them to continue thinking he is a great df. He isn't. He knew his actions could prevent him being around 24/7..he actually does need throwing under the bus. It is now up to him to salvage a relationship with his dc... Not yours... My dc have limited memory of their df being a twat to them and me. He died. They now spout huge DAD tattoos.. I dread the day the memories come back. They should have always known ime. If your dh ends up with ow they will find out anyway..

So sorry you're going through this OP. It's horrendous. Being honest, if my experience is anything to go by, it may get much worse before it gets better. But it will get better. Prepare for him to get much worse. In my case, ex's need to feel okay about what he'd done and escape the disapproval of others elicited pretty toxic behaviours and revising of history which has been as traumatic for me as the original betrayals.

Please take care of yourself. Identify who you can trust to support you. Get some initial legal advice. Stay hydrated, try to eat something every day. Speak to your GP if you can't sleep and need counselling. Big hugs and best of luck.

I've had pretty much similiar. I found out husband had been having an affair for over a year, my (young adult) daughter found out about some of it at the same time, and questioned me (later that day) and I told her. My husband said I shouldn't have told her the truth and just said we were separating to protect him... He justified it all because apparently he had been unhappy for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years (depending on which day you were talking to him) so it was ok for him to have done this... Absolute revision of history - like someone else has put above. It's all about self justification and control. I've spared the kids much of the details - don't think they need to know everything, just that it's happened - and after that it's up to them to make up their own minds about him.