Serious safeguarding issues texting of escorts on my dd phone and tax fraud

[ARCHIE114]

My ex husband left one and half years ago, not going into the details of this, as it would take too long, but through the separation and disclosure of statements, it was confirmed that not only he spent a fortune in escorts and online porn ( only on online porn up to 6k per month, every single month, collecting up to 37 charges per month..) the intensity and frequency, I think proves he is addicted and a compulsive spender of money he is not earning, as he has inherited most of it AND he also asked my father to lend him money( 100,000) behind my back to help for school fees (when he absolutely did not need, as he just inherited more money - 800,000 - as for cash only, as then there were properties shares and so on from his aunt). He tried to hide all of this and he failed, as the judge asked him to disclose more than two years. He had planned it all.

Anyway the reason I am writing is the following. The children were with me at my parents for half term and while doing a random check on my daughter's phone (she is 12 and only allowed to use an iPhone and the head teacher asked parents to check every now and then ) I noticed there were a couple of messages from my ex (not to her just him messaging others and others responding). One of these threads was obviously to an escort agency . He was contacting this woman asking if a certain girl was back as he just loved her smile ! Cringe ! To be 100 per cent sure I continued the text conversation (obviously this is a long term relationship as the woman booking the escorts was calling my ex by name! ) until she sent a menu of all these ladies with all the different prices for different performances. I have taken photos and deleted all from my daughter 'phone praying she had not seen them.

The following day I asked my solicitor to send them to his, hoping he would take this seriously and asked him to make sure he delinked his iCloud from my DD's one. They both ignored the email and I received another accusatory letter from his solicitor (best defence is the attack ) referring back to some email I sent him a year ago saying he was a creep .... Anyway I am now so undecided about what to do, but something has to be done as this to me shows he is reckless. The children have experienced similar events before, seeing pictures of naked ladies on his laptop and so on. I need him to take this seriously and this can only happen if he takes responsibility and admits he has a problem and for him to be on some kind of records and sign something where he states he will not under any circumstances let the children on any of his devises and NEVER entertain himself in adult activities when they are around? Shall I go beyond this ? Try to take the children away from him ?

I have no more energy to start another fight and I feel the children need a father no matter what ? He loves them and they love him. Shall I tell his family ? Tried in the past and they dismissed me with there are two sides to each story, but now it is an issue of safeguarding the children ?

On top of that two days ago I also received a letter from the CMS saying my ex is now not obliged to pay the misery of child maint. they requested him to pay (only based on his salary not on his investments rentals etc, 300 pounds per child - I have two per month - when an hour 'prostate massage with these ladies cost 450 pounds per hour !!! ) as he is now volunteered to take voluntary redundancy and claiming BENEFITS. My solicitor told me that the only thing I can do is to report him to HMRC for fraud and then again I feel is it right to report the father of my children for fraud will this damage them ? I am so upset not because of what he does but how my children will be affected by a father like this. Any suggestions or similar things and how you have dealt with I would really appreciate it thanks

Sorry for the long message, also I do not seem to be able to edit it so the title is a bit misleading. I have found text from my ex husband texting escorts from my daughter's phone. What shall I do ? I am desperate and I would really need some help

Wow, he sounds like a real catch doesn't he? No wonder he has to pay for it.

I'm not sure you would get much traction in taking the children away from him and I wouldn't bother getting involved in whatever he's up to with benefits (I'm not really sure how he can claim it with all that money around).

However, it sounds like he's not going to be able to avoid work for long with that kind of spending habit so I would keep a regular eye on that. I also think some kind of safeguarding to keep his devices separate will be important.

Thanks FST training, so you would not report him for tax fraud ? This is what my solicitor is asking me to do...Do you think I should give up even to the child maintenance ? I am not working and I am really struggling with the house bills. His money is mainly abroad and he is a non dom, this is how I think he gets away with it. Yes quite a catch, however nobody including me who lived with him for nearly 20 years had any idea of what was going on in his life behind the surface. I had few therapy sessions as I could not afford more and my therapist said that the reason he is not so mean is because I have exposed his secret life. I am adamant that the children would need to be safeguarded and for no reasons let them use his devices or share his cloud but how ?

I would get your solicitor to write to his again, explaining you want your children's phones and laptops delinked since they can currently see porn and his contact with sex sites. Ask your solicitor what happens if he refuses to delink.

@ARCHIE114 Well, I don't know if I would report him for tax fraud. It would depend 1) on the evidence and 2) what potential impact it could have on your child maintenance in the future. HMRC are stretched and not particularly competent in my humble opinion so the likelihood of them following up is not great unless you do all of the legwork for them. Also, if he did get a conviction, this could impact his earning potential. At the moment, he does not work, but at some point he might have to and he will be able to earn more (and pay more maintenance) without a conviction.

I wouldn't give up on the child maintenance either. I would check up on him at least annually so he knows you aren't going away. Also, did you have a clean break divorce? You might be able to get a court to order a lump sum in child maintenance if he isn't working but is wealthy.

Also, you need to work too, unless ill health is preventing you. It really helps a person's case when they show good conduct themselves and maximising your earning capacity on top of your childcare responsibilities will put you in a really good light with a judge.

Thanks crosstalk - I am not sure what is your experience of family lawyers but mine is that a letter costs a lot and from the lack of response to thew first one I gather that that his solicitor will never let him admit to any wrong doing. So I personally feel it is a waste of time, we did it before and the reaction I got was a very aggressive letter about a non existent issue. Do you think contacting his family would back fire ?

FST Training - I have all the evidence as he had to disclose at least some of his investments as part of the separation and he has much more than 16,000 for sure. I agree that reporting the father of my children for fraud is really not what I am comfortable with because of the children not because of him, I think he just deserves that, and this is why I am inclined to let his family know to see if they will make him accept his responsibility and and admit he has an issue and that he will not behave in a way that could risk the children being contact with his seedy life.

I am looking for a job, of course but I am 59 and after 8 years out of full employment - I was a lawyer - not sure it will be as easy to find something, but have started applying already. I am renting a room in my house too. My son is 17 so he will not have to pay for him next year and again I doubt he will be in full time employment any time soon.... He will just live off his inheritance - still paying 700 pounds to take the children and his friends to the theatre and try to buy them off at every possible occasion, while I struggle to pay the bills...

Any idea of a job I could find at my age suggestions are welcome. Have been thinking about becoming a dog walker.

why can't you still be a lawyer? Age is no barrier is it?

I was just going to say the same.

I have my bar qualification in France, where I am from and I never re-qualified here, as I worked for a international organisation in the law and policy department until 8 years ago. I do not think it would be easy for me to go back to what I was doing before to be honest, I think age is a barrier unfortunately and 8 years out of work in a very competitive area, such as the sector I was working on, is a long time especially because I am nearly 60. I am trying but it is quite depressing. I am quite resigned to even work as an admin person part time.