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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Blended families... advice

14 replies

Bigned3986 · 15/11/2023 16:31

Hi there, bit of a sensitive question, but I'm separated from my wife after 21 years of marriage. Now going through a divorce, which will finalise early next year. I have two dc's 18 and 12.
I have recently met someone and am considering moving in with her, (her request) but she lives 60 miles away from my current location and workplace. She has two dc's of her own, 11 and 9. The 9 year old has a life limiting condition, which I am well aware of. I have met both dc's and they accept me into their lives. My gf has also accepted my own dc's in her life.
Loads to think about before I consider it... lease on my own flat till June next year, developing relationships, my own divorce, and the effect on my own children. My job is flexible and I have the ability to work closer if need be. Loads of potential pitfalls and hurdles in the way, but if it's meant to be, it could work.

Any advice from experience here - I'm sure there are other blended families on here. Anything I need to consider that I haven't mentioned here already? Emotionally, I think I am ready, but practically I am not. It is head over heart and if it's meant to be, it will work - plus it could save on bills by not running two households.
Many thanks.

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 15/11/2023 16:38

So you’re not even divorced yet, have recently met someone with two children - one of which has complex needs - and you want to move in with her? 😳 I say this as someone who is twice divorced but I think you’re mad. Just keep things as they are for now. You don’t need to live together. It just complicates things for her children and you haven’t been together long enough yet.

gotomomo · 15/11/2023 16:41

Only you know that you are ready - it was pretty quick for me after a long marriage (the reality is that the breakdown is often long before when you look back) and moved 140 miles but my youngest has started university and had a car so it was easier (elder dd moved with me by choice). Talk to your dc, perhaps give yourself a few more weeks before making a decision - but don't make money a factor, that never can be part of the equation

SkaneTos · 15/11/2023 16:42

How long have you been separated from your wife?
How long have you been in a relationship with your girlfriend?

I think you are moving too fast.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 15/11/2023 16:43

Personally I couldn’t live that far from my 12 year old child.

Original poster
Bigned3986 · 15/11/2023 17:10

Many thanks everyone so far. There is so much to think about and I am no where near ready to make that firm decision yet - in all honesty, it will be at least middle of next year before I do make any decision on this. Apart from anything else, it is very soon. But time with my gf and reflection from therapy has made me realise that my marriage was over long before the actual separation.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 15/11/2023 17:16

You may feel that you are ready to move on.

Your children are likely to find this difficult, especially if they see this as you replacing them with a new family.

It can get very adversarial in such circumstances.

Tread carefully.

(My Ex did not, and introduced his new gf before we were divorced, it did not go down well.)

Original poster
Bigned3986 · 15/11/2023 17:20

I'm know they will find it difficult. Both appear to like my gf, but that is different to moving in. It's why I will take a long time to come to any final decision. No one knows what's round the corner and nothing is anywhere set in stone.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 15/11/2023 17:47

Bigned3986 · 15/11/2023 17:10

Many thanks everyone so far. There is so much to think about and I am no where near ready to make that firm decision yet - in all honesty, it will be at least middle of next year before I do make any decision on this. Apart from anything else, it is very soon. But time with my gf and reflection from therapy has made me realise that my marriage was over long before the actual separation.

The issue is your relationship with your children. Particularly your 12 year old. How are you going to be in her life and be there for her if you move 60 miles away. She won’t be blended in. She will visiting after a long journey there and back which will disrupt her social life and education.

There is nothing wrong with having a new relationship and moving in together. But you should not sacrifice your parental responsibility to achieve that. You aren’t even considering this.

Original poster
Bigned3986 · 15/11/2023 18:39

To the contrary, my children are a major part in any decision I may make. They are my world and will have a massive impact on my decision making. Speaking to my gf and she will not ever expect me to move in with her and abandon my children, especially my youngest.
End of the day, I'm more interest in advice from anyone who has made something like this work. I am well aware of the pitfalls and dont make any decisions lightly.

OP posts:
toomanyleggings · 15/11/2023 18:42

Bonkers. Her even more so. Just date and put your kids first.

Elektra1 · 15/11/2023 19:48

I'd keep your relationship as something just for the two of you - spending time together with children occasionally - while you and your DC settle into your new life. My STBX moved in with new partner almost immediately after leaving me and the children involved (one on our side, two on the other side) have struggled with the new "blended family". It takes time for kids to adjust to parents being apart, no need to force yet more change on them while they're adjusting.

Showtime79 · 15/11/2023 20:10

There is a danger when you have been in a very long and what sounds like pretty joyless relationship in the last few years that you fall head over heels with the first person you date as feelings you haven’t had for years suddenly come back and flood you with chemicals that actually mean your heart rules your head rather than the other way around. I would be very wary here. The unspoken damage you could do to your youngest child.

Pigeonqueen · 15/11/2023 20:16

Showtime79 · 15/11/2023 20:10

There is a danger when you have been in a very long and what sounds like pretty joyless relationship in the last few years that you fall head over heels with the first person you date as feelings you haven’t had for years suddenly come back and flood you with chemicals that actually mean your heart rules your head rather than the other way around. I would be very wary here. The unspoken damage you could do to your youngest child.

This is exactly what happened to me. You don’t see it at the time. You think it’s real love and you’re swept up with the emotion of it all. It’s dangerous.

The youngest child is 12. That’s very young to be having their Dad move in with someone new, with children the same sort of age as them, 60 miles away.

Zanatdy · 15/11/2023 20:39

Personally no I wouldn’t move 60 miles away from a 12yr old child who I’m very involved with. The contact would be what weekends? Who will do the travelling? What if the child wants to see friends on weekends, are you content to see him/her in school holidays only? Blending families isn’t easy. I’d probably continue to live separately for longer, and speak to the children as to how they’d feel about these changes to their life. I understand it’s hard as you want to move on with your life, and many people do move away for love. My ex moved in someone he met when working overseas (this woman moved to the U.K. with her teenage son) and now my DD won’t go to his house, he’s clearly devastated but he knows it’s his own fault. The person most hurt by this is my DD and that’s why I’d always put her feelings first

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