Asked for a divorce last night, could use a hand hold

[Delilah22]

so last night I told my DH I wanted to divorce. We have been married just 4 years, and we lived together for 8 months before we got married. he is 35 I am 31 and no DC.

this all comes after spending the past 4 years unhappy in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I am regularly yelled/screamed at as he loses his temper quickly. It could be because I hold a different view point to him or he just blows tiny things into mountains. I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He is frequently moody and miserable and says he’s perpetually unhappy with his life. I’ve spent years trying to suggest he seeks help from his go or counselling. He never commits to it but sometimes promises to when we’ve been close to breaking up.
i am sick of living on these egg shells.

I don’t think he’s necessarily a bad person and certainly has his good points. He can be very kind.
but still the relationship has left me in floods of tears, has caused me to feel huge waves of anxiety and more recently I’ve been feeling pains in my body after bad fights (him screaming at me).

the marriage has been a shit show mostly from day 1, to the point I sought financial advice in our first year regarding divorce.

we both earn similar, low ish salaries. However I received a large inheritance whilst we were engaged, and used it to buy us a house outright, we are both on deeds jointly. I also hold savings nearly equivalent to the value of half the houses worth, this was from a second inheritance I received just after we got married. have never used nor co mingled this second inheritance I removed, as per advice from the solicitor I spoke to.

I guess I am scared about the obvious ramifications of divorcing. We talked last night and he kept his cool and it was different… but it was only 3 weeks ago he blew up at me last time and stormed out the house threatening suicide. After all this time I don’t have any faith in meaningful lasting change. But I’m scared of losing someone who can be very loving, I just don’t feel it outweighs the bad.

i also know that I need to protect myself financially. I went through a very vulnerable time in the latter part of our engagement and can see how stupid I was now. He has always said he wouldn’t go after the house but obviously I know he would be entitled to something.
I have felt so upset sometimes I haven’t even cared about losing my home, I just want to get away from him. I think he has mental issues honestly. Anyone who knows him would tel you he is so wonderful. Although I did find out from his parents he had similar behaviour with them in the pat.

Is it likely I’m going to walk away from this okay? I want desperately to keep my home, but I’m so scared of losing it. In the past he has told me his parents were telling him to make sure he ‘gets his half’, if we split up. It makes me feel used, like all that matters is my money. He has broken my heart, I have given so many opportunities to change and more chances than I can count. I still feel like maybe I should just give him one more but it’s surely insanity at this point?
is it normal to doubt your decision?

any support would be appreciated. Feeling very low and vulnerable x

You don’t need to ask for a divorce, you Inform him that it’s what is going to be happening. And well done you!
Tell family and friends to get support, then put it in the hands of a family solicitor. If he kicks off about anything, just say you are doing what the solicitor advises.
And remember, if you’re ever scared, you ring the police.

I'm really sorry you've had to put up with this behaviour from your supposed 'D'H and no you are most definitely not being unreasonable for wanting to get away from him. You're only 31; just imagine putting up with this for another 40 or more years, as if he's like this now, he definitely won't improve over time, but likely get a lot worse!

Go and see a solicitor and find out what he's entitled to. I'm not sure, but perhaps an inheritance might be protected, but either way, get advice and cut ties. It won't get better, as he clearly has no respect for you and only improves when he thinks he might be out on his ear.

What the previous poster said. I was divorced around the same age as you are now, also no children and I felt so sad that what I thought was going to be was taken away. The thought of going back to life as a single woman felt very scary and overwhelming, but it turned out to be the best thing I ever did. It’s exhausting trying to make a broken marriage work and you’ll feel so much happier when that pressure is removed. I went on to meet the real love of my life, have a family and am still many years later very happy. You just need to get through this initial stage of splitting, which will be tough but absolutely worth it, keep the faith.

Well done OP.

However much you want a divorce it’s still a very hard to say it out loud.
I don’t have any practical advice but wish you the best moving forward.

Oh and meant to add to not say any more to him about divorce, but find out just what he might be entitled to before you do anything else.

Well done OP. Once he goes you will feel so so much lighter and at your age you will be able to look back at this in the future and it will seem a whole lot smaller. It does take energy to sort this but be clear that your mind is. Add up now and don't let the niggling doubts in a bad day destabilise your course of action. What is so good is you are young and have years to build the life you had originally hoped for and didn't get. Definitely, as others said, see a solicitor. Ask around to find a good one - not one that reacts at every tiny issue with yet another costly letter. Avoid speaking to your current DH about finances. He will realise that is your stressful topic and potentially prod it to make you anxious so let your solicitor deal with it.

*made up now - sorry re typos.

Well done. Go see a solicitor today and find out what will happen next. As his name is ok the deeds you will have to buy him out of the house I think.

Get more legal advice and press on. It’s brave to break up but the right thing to do.

Definitely get divorced now and don't have a child with him hoping that will make it better. It's a short marriage and with no kids you should probably keep the cash inheritance - house might be treated as co-mingled assets meaning you have to split that. Google "short marriages no children divorce" to read about how this situation is treated in case law. Lots of cases on it. Good luck. You're still young and you can't spend your life like this, far less bring children (if you want them) into it.

It's normal to doubt your decision. I am sure that he is loving, as you say, because a lot of men have good sides to them, as well as bad.

You don't need to announce that you want a divorce. It's a decision, not a discussion.

Be careful because a big row can get you inadvertently to get even closer together via trauma bonding.

A lot of women on MN have happy marriages, too, so it is possible to be happy.

You’re doing the right thing. Perpetrators of domestic abuse very rarely change. When you question if it was as a bad as you thought it was then look at this wheel as a reminder of all you’ve suffered.
In terms of the house you could try and pay him and get him off the deeds but he may not accept and may well get half but that is a small price to pay for freedom and peace

Here we go

Rereading your post you mention anxiety, him screaming at you, you walking on eggshells, him threatening suicide. And the last 4 years being unhappy for you.

Yes, too much. If a relationship/martiage causes your MH to suffer following your physical health, it's too much.

It's this constant anticipation of conflict that causes wear and tear in your body.

Give yourself a break. You are allowed to rest. You are contemplating a huge life change. Know you don't have to do this in 3 days.

Divorce hurts because you are losing a person that has at times been your best friend but also your biggest enemy.

At the same time, it's important to live a life, when possible, that's conflict and drama free, and where you are healthy, mentally and physically.

If his name is on the house he will definitely get half... sorry

Congratulations on pushing that button. It's not as easy as the 'just divorce him' crowd suggest but you had the courage to tell him. Apart from the obvious getting your affairs in order regarding engaging solicitors do you have nearby friends and family who can offer ongoing emotional support and occasional bed to stay if he starts screaming at you or being an arse again? Having doubts and considering giving things another go are natural especially if he is blackmailing you with threats of self harm. His mental health is not your problem anymore. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you which will undoubtedly be better with him not in it.

Your not asking for a divorce your telling him you deserve better and are walking away. Do it before you have kids brought into this shit show :) it's not to late for you to move on and enjoy life

He doesn’t have to get half. If you contributed more to the deposit and repayments (and have proof!) get a good solicitor and fight for it.

Thank you everyone for your words of support. it is so hard and I feel like I keep gaslighting myself that it wasn’t so bad all these years. But I have felt genuine fear and so much upset.
he actually stayed calm last night although of course he was trying to talk me around. It makes me feel confused like maybe he has changed but logically I know it’s not possible to just do a 180 overnight.

I think I will try to speak to a solicitor this week and see what they think is a likely outcome.

i am feeling really anxious now about the finance side of things. When I spoke to a solicitor previously she advised me that a short marriage has different rules typically to a more lengthy one. She said I would be expected to pay him something but that as we are both young and no children this changes expectations.

To clarify; he didn’t contribute anything towards the house. We just share the utility bills and general living expenses now.

Your solicitor is the qualified expert so try to hold on to what they said.
In regard to his behaviour he will firmly be in the honeymoon phase, either where he is on his best behaviour or is trying to charm and love bomb you. It is part of a well recognised domestic abuse cycle and it’s a necessary part because the abuser has to offer small periods of niceness to give you a reason to stay as “it’s not always like this” and “maybe he can change”. He wouldn’t be able to maintain it though and before long tensions would be building again

You’re actually in quite a strong position. It’s a short marriage, you bought the house with an inheritance, no kids to consider, and you have a second inheritance sitting in a bank account. He will be entitled to a portion of your combined assets, but as your solicitor suggested last time, it will most likely be less than 50%.
In your shoes, if I liked the house and the area, I’d probably try to keep the house and use the inheritance savings for the payout. Make another solicitor’s appointment and ask whether that looks feasible and would be a reasonable offer.
There will be some money spent on legal fees to get this sorted. Remember when you’re negotiating with his solicitor and discussing things with your solicitor that the longer the legal stuff drags out the more it costs and the less money there is to split.

I am not an expert but i know that you have to be married for 5 yrs to be entitled to a 50/50 split.