I have been in a sexual and domestic abuse relationship for the last 17 years with a covert narcissist. The abuse has been towards myself, my 2 children (11 & 13) and other women in our community which also includes drug abuse. The father who I thought was a kind loving safe person was covertly sexually abusing me and other women in our home and community. The abuse and manipulation often involved the use of illegal drugs including the date rape drug. He left me for 2 of his close female friends (whom he was secretly having sexual relations with). Initially, I supported him with 50/50 childcare, when he left me for two women, however after 3 months 50/50 live in care, my children 11 and 13 no longer wanted contact and are currently safe in my care as they were being subjected to listening to him having sex with other women at his place keeping them up at night as well as being left unattended in the house with drugs whilst he went to the pub.
I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse and my ex knew this and from his pattern of abuse has targeted vulnerable women. I understand that I have made poor choices that modeled my childhood experience of growing up with adults who abused me, but were my role models for trust, and am concerned my children may make the same choices.
The difficulty I have with the court system is that they are pro-contact. Whilst I believe it is healthy for the children to have contact with both parents. I also strongly believe that this applies to responsible parents who do not deem a risk. My fear since our separation is that he has been subjecting me to bullying and harassment, stopping payments to his share of the mortgage, forcing me to pay our mortgage, and trying to force me and the children out of our home.
He even took me to court for childcare arrangements on allegations of drug, emotional and financial abuse when he admitted that he was still taking drugs. I am currently a litigant in person representing myself in court
My children do not want any further contact with the father and I am put in a difficult position not knowing how to protect the kids and trying to understand the benefits vs the long-term harm of the children having contact with their father. I am working with some domestic abuse charities whose advice has been to tell me to make the children see their father despite our experiences and wishes.
I want to protect myself and my children and allow their voices to be acknowledged and am struggling to know how best to do this. grateful for any advice.