criminal legal advice on sexual and domestic abuse

[o1ivia]

I have been in a sexual and domestic abuse relationship for the last 17 years with a covert narcissist. The abuse has been towards myself, my 2 children and other women in our community which also includes drug abuse. I have spoken with the police who says that although he has behaved badly, and the relationship is clearly toxic, my expereince of harassment, bullying gas lighting and manipulation (which are aggravating factors) does not meet the threshold for a conviction/ prosecution of coercive control, or sexual and domestic violence and advised me to seek advice from a criminal lawyer. he's currently taking me to court over the children and I am self-representing as a litigant in person as I lost my job at some point over my mental health issues. I know at some point I will need to find a solicitor for the financial separation, so I'm struggling to understand where to start on criminal lawyers. Any advice is appreciated. thanks

@o1ivia I'm a bit confused about why the police say it doesn't meet the threshold and then tell you to speak to a criminal solicitor. Did they say why they recommended this?

If the police don't think there is enough to secure a conviction, a criminal solicitor is unlikely to think any differently. Did they definitely say criminal and not family solicitor?

I think the police have probably suggested this in the sense that they are not able to offer legal advice so only a criminal lawyer can tell you whether or not what you've been through meets the threshold for coercive control. However, I do know that that threshold is high, and it's possible to suffer awful abuse/manipulation which does not meet the threshold. I'd suggest you focus your efforts on the civil process (your divorce/shared care proceedings) and if you get a solicitor in that, they will also be able to advise you on the potential for a claim of coercive control. I'm sorry you've been through so much. Things can only get better now you're no longer together.

Do the police perhaps mean that they won’t prosecute but you could get a civil order instead? Have a look at the gov.Uk pages on non molestation orders. Or talk it through with women’s aid or whatever local domestic abuse service you have.

Many women’s aid/local services can support you through the family court proceedings too.

You also have the right to go back and ask the police to review their decision.

How old are the children?

It’s incredibly difficult to meet the threshold to prove domestic abuse. If I were you I wouldn’t waste energy on that and focus on a restraining order and get evidence to help with the financial settlement, as reprehensible behaviour on his part will go towards getting you a larger share.

Can't you only get a Restraining Order with a conviction?

Maybe a Non Molestation Order? www.ncdv.org.uk/ NCDV might be able to help.

Sorry, they’re roughly the same. A conviction isn’t necessary for it and it’s a civil order (the temporary ones in particular) so the threshold of proof is lower.

thanks for messages of advice and support.

@o1ivia sorry if my messages were a bit brusque in tone, the system is so broken and part of my pro bono work used to be helping DV victims, it’s so difficult to escape particularly in a way that works and doesn’t take months or bankrupt you, and perpetrators are so good at avoiding legal consequences. Wishing you all the best x

I live in Ireland. I watched a programme recently on the first conviction for coercive control. The woman involved had been hospitalised 17 times and it was a hospital consultant who raised the concern to the police here. They were worried she would defend him on the stand so they opted for coercive control as one of the charges. They were still worried that it wouldn’t get a conviction but thankfully it did.

My FIL abused my MIL in the ways that you are describing. He absolutely exerted huge control over her until he didn’t want to anymore. There was no were near the bar for a criminal conviction for him in spite of the most serious abuse witnessed by many people. It is so unbelievably unfair, my MIL went through so much with him but he essentially got away in some ways scot free with every last significant marital asset too. The world can be very cruel in these circumstances but you have to find away to get back from it because they never truly get away with it. My FIL has nothing real in life, no connection, no ability to from connection. He can never move on from who he is, my MIL on the other hand is now safe and loved.

@Twixxer it is horrific. And if you review the records of CC convictions you see they absolutely never happen in the absence of rape, serious violence, etc. Coercive control causes almost if not the same amount of harm but without bruises or other evidence it can’t be proven.

Yes you are right. Restraining order from criminal court. Non mol from civil.

You wont get a CC conviction. Noone does. Its incredibly rare for this offence to be prosecuted. Im speaking from personal and professional experience.
Get help from an organisation called support through court when litigating for yourself. They cant give legal advice but they can be there with you and their presence helps i found in keeping the other party from going totally nuts in the court. You will be ok litigating for yourself. Just dont get triggered and stick to facts. There are tik tok accounts and podcasts with qualified lawers that are extremely helpful.
Get in touch with local DV services and get support from them. They are brilliant and can aso give you a safety worker and supporting letters.
Get a letter from your GP too.

Personally i would litigate myself for the financial settlement. I paid over £18k in the end for solicitors and barristers and they were shit. I went to final hearing and represented myself and got some movement on the outcome to make it slightly fairer. Basically once you have filled in the form E and sent that with evidence to the court, recieved his and make an offer you think is fair. There is not much more to do, yet legal will take your money for nothing. Dont be intimidated the court have a duty to support you and explain things when you are not represented and in my experience i made sure the revelent things were discussed. You cant speak if represented.
If hes represented try and engage as little as possible with their barrister who will throw thier weight. You dont have to despite what bullshit they come out with to try and bully you. Its the judges decision at the end of the day. Stick to facts. Dont get emotional. Its hard and i did cry but i got thru it and you will too. Support through court sat with me on the financial as well as children hearings. Get a screen so you dont have to look at the bastard and ask for the private waiting room... do take food and water/medication/charger tho as they wont let you leave and i ended up locked in there for hours.

Thank you for advice & msgs shared. I am sorry that some of you have experienced equally horrible behaviour from people you trusted. I did have all the screen and separate waiting rooms at our last hearing, I cried for almost an hour over for fear of being in the same building as him. I still saw him through the waiting room with one of his partners (who he had been cheating on me with). I'm so grateful processes are in place to prevent people having to face their abusers. I know our court system is super flawed, but it seems to be moving in a positive direction albeit slowly.