What was it like growing up in two houses?

[TryingToGetDucksInARow]

My parents stayed together so I don't have any frame of reference. I'm getting divorced from my kids father they are 4 and 7. I will move out with my daughter's around July next year. We haven't told them yet.

Any tips on how to handle it?
Any thing you wish you'd done with your children in hindsight?
Anything you wished your parents had done?
Anything your parents did well?

I can't imagine as a child living in two houses and I'm probably filling in the blanks with the worst case scenario.

Thanks

Just a point about only seeing a new partner when the kids aren’t there, it will give your partner this false impression that you are as free as a childless woman. As both your feelings deepen for each-other, they will start to apply subtle pressure to ring-fence that time for them, so if you child is sick with the flu or just going through a shit time, for whatever reason, and doesn’t want to have to stay at their dad’s one weekend, you will be under pressure to make them leave unwillingly. Every time you force the child to do that, they experience it as a painful rejection by their mother and ejection from their home.
Chances are, a big needy bloke making demands on you, will be much more in-your-face than your children’s changing needs as they grow. He’ll be in your ear saying “You spoil and pamper your kids too much, they need to learn some independence and responsibility” (code for - bugger off and let me shag you all over the house without inhibition) encouraging you to neglect them, and any doubts you express about any harms will be “No you’re an amazing mum, look at everything (ie just below bare minimum expectations of a parent) you do for them”. It’s insidious and you are unlikely to notice it happening.

@SubordinatedByPets thanks for that warning. Even more reason why I don't want to prioritise getting into a relationship

What @SubordinatedByPets said. I tried it and honestly regret that whole 'ring fenced kid free time'. That insidious - you're such a great mum - really is insidious and creeps up on you without you realising.

Also agree OP it's much better for dc to have one home and visit dads. My (now older teens) dc are much more secure than their peers dealing with two homes and two sets of rules and two sets of step parents and arguments over nights and who's way is better. Also my dcs dad always backed me up, there was never any hint of him undermining me if I put in a boundary and vice versa. If he told them off about something and they complained to me about it they got another telling off for being naughty at their dads. We did not let them play us off against each other (even though we don't like each other and he cheated on me!). Dc that get away with giving each parent a sob story (I was that kid growing up) grow up insecure.

My parents separated when I was a baby so I have no memory of them being together, but I still didn’t like the fact that they weren’t.

It was horrible realising that other people got to live with both their parents when I didn’t and although it might not have been too bad if each parent had stayed single, I hated having step parents.

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Australian of the Year Grace Tame grew up 50/50 from a youngish age. She speaks of never learning to sleep in one place for more than a week. She is autistic, fwiw.

A lawyer I saw who is very across the recent family court changes in my country (not UK) said there's research coming out that 50/50 is not a good model for most children and that the assumption of shared parenting is having a negative effect on outcomes for children going through the family court system and they're expecting things to move away from 50/50. It was interesting to hear that.

Regardless of the set up, I really appreciated an honest relationship between my parents. Gradually as I got older I didn't want to go to my dads for the night etc. Sometimes after school I just wanted to go "home" to my mums and being able to tell my dad I just didn't fancy coming round and him not he offended was really appreciated. It's a bit like living out of a suitcase sometimes.

I would say that if your own parents have a good relationship with your children to nurture this. It can ensure a real sense of stability and foundation for children.

My parents did not separate however I work with people who have experienced significant trauma and "trusted other" is a vital role creating stability and consistency. Grandmother's can play a key role, particularly maternal grandmothers.

@Boomboom22 Do you have links to the research on nesting? I would be interested in reading it.

Any tips on how to handle it? Be open and honest. Make it clear that your DC can ask you anything they want and you won't get upset. Don't make it a taboo subject about which they have lifelong questions.

Anything you wished your parents had done? Oh God - so many things! Dad not ignoring us when we had to go to his EOW. Not putting us in the soulless guest room where we had nothing of our own and were made to feel like very unwelcome guests. Doing stuff with us at on the weekends we had with him - not once during my entire childhood after he left us did he take me and my sibling out - even for a walk. It was always him, stepmum, us and her kids. We were never allowed any time just with him. She'd have been too jealous and made his life hell he was too weak to stand up to her

Anything your parents did well? They didn't slag each other off. Our standard of living didn't change, but that was mainly because my DM remarried - if she'd stayed single we'd have been on the bones of our arses.

I am a child of divorce, my parents divorce was a great example of everything not to do. My mum won full custody of us, but a year later she left the country, didn't want to take us, and our Dad ended up a sole parent. We had sporadic contact from her for the next decade.

Stbxh and I have seperated recently. He is abusive. He's spent 6 months telling the kids it's not fair to HIM if he doesn't have 50/50 and that was what was happening. DD was really scared by that. As it is he gets 4 nights a fortnight but so far has never done more than 3 while telling our DC it's my fault he doesn't see them more. He moved and is now to far away to do any of their many after school sporting commitments. Its damage limitation when you have an X like this.

I discussed the impact of this on my younger DSs with their psychologist and she told me to address the emotions. I can't fix this, I can't make it ok, at least in the short run and that I shouldn't try to. That what they need is for those emotions to be acknowledged and supported and for them to know that they can discuss anything they need with me and I won't be upset because they're angry, or sad, or missing their Dad. He might be abusive and a Disney Dad, but he's still their Dad and they miss him. I would do anything to fix that but I can't, just like I can't make him parent or put our DC before his own needs.

I know a few divorced couples and the parenting arrangements where the children seem to be doing the best are those where the parents could be amicable and discuss things and put aside their own wants to consider what their DC need. I know a family nesting is working for. I know two families 50/50 is not working for, but these two families have a high level of conflict and ongoing litigation.

The arrangement that seem to be working best amongst my divorced friends is a little different. The DC have a home base with Mum and Dad has them two afternoons after school each week and every second weekend. They have a flexible arrangement and weekend sporting and social commitments are shared no matter whose weekend it is. There's no fighting, no dropping contact last minute, no point scoring. Both these families have 2 DC, and the sharing of weekend commitments means that each parent gets regular 1 on 1 time with both children and those children are doing well. Of course whether that's the parenting arrangements or the lack of conflict I couldn't say.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness

That's a really useful post, thank you.

I’m sorry to hear that, but you can’t generalise your experience to everyone’s.

50/50 can work well IF the parents co-operate well and live close together (this is from a child perspective)

I am glad the OP found it useful, but I think she and most mothers would very much (very much) notice that happening.

I also don’t think it would be easy to make like a single women when you aren’t, given the exhausting combined effects of parenting, managing co-parenting and having a FT job, you are lucky to manage a pathetic hologram of a love life, IME

I think she and most mothers would very much (very much) notice that happening.

🤔 So all these blended/step families/new partner disasters are exceptions, where the mum consciously and intentionally goes into her new relationships, wilfully choosing to put the best of herself into the new man at the expense of her kids, otherwise she’s just exceptionally dim and doesn’t realise she being manipulated into it?

You are putting my mother into that bracket.

I disagree with you.

Don’t do 50/50. I hated it & it still affects me now. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere & didn’t have my own home. It was a horrible feeling.

Don’t do 50/50 and don’t blend families. Having parents that split up is bad enough but having a new “sister” or “brother” thrust upon you when you don’t want one is rank as a kid.

Following

Each to their I suppose, but as a child of divorced parents at 5, I absolutely loved growing up with my two 'new' brothers by my side. We are as close as blood siblings now in our 30's...

I knew if a family where the children stayed in the family home with the nanny 100% of the time and mum and dad had other accommodations outside the home. Dad would move in for the week, then mum, then Dad again. To me, that sounds appalling. You’d feel as if they were staff coming in and off duty.
Incidentally, I was brought up in a children’s home and one of the unpleasant things about that was that everyone who cared for me was only there when they were on duty and were obviously looking forward to being off duty. If I happened to see them when they were off duty, I almost had to pretend not to know them so that they weren’t taking work home.