What was it like growing up in two houses?

[TryingToGetDucksInARow]

My parents stayed together so I don't have any frame of reference. I'm getting divorced from my kids father they are 4 and 7. I will move out with my daughter's around July next year. We haven't told them yet.

Any tips on how to handle it?
Any thing you wish you'd done with your children in hindsight?
Anything you wished your parents had done?
Anything your parents did well?

I can't imagine as a child living in two houses and I'm probably filling in the blanks with the worst case scenario.

Thanks

Oh wow thanks so much everyone. I've read every reply and found it all helpful.

That’s very comprehensive @rainbowsparkle28.
I think something else that is important, is that if your kids are finding it emotionally difficult and have behaviours indicative of stress, anger, anxiety, frustration, etc, with the situation, don’t tell them, at every incident they express their stress and despair, that they are flawed people, because they don’t behave as well as children who have a home-life more conducive to inner peace and stability.

When you have new relationships, don’t let your partner make it obvious they want your children to sod off to the other parent so that you can play the baggage-less couple together. The kids will know. Your partner needs to understand that it is their home, not a couple’s love nest that the kids intrude upon.

Why are so many people commenting on what they do as parents (usually to try and justify 50/50) rather than answer the question of what it was like as a child?

If your parents weren't seperated don't answer the question?

Admirable if you can achieve it (for child and teacher!) and I thank you for your additional efforts when this is not the case. Personally I left due to DV and it would have caused more harm to the children to joint-parent as anything I did was used as a pawn to cause hurt, which obviously the children see or pick up on. Eventually NC was the safest thing.

I absolutely hated it. I felt so angry and resentful towards my dm and started behaving awfully. My dad used to cry on me or get angry if I said anything positive about my life with my dm so I hated her. Then the step parents and never feeling like I belonged anywhere. Their divorce ruined my childhood.

My dc have grown up with separated parents and have none of the attachment issues and trauma I had. They have always felt they belonged with me. They see their dad but it's not set in stone and made precious. It's just normal. We don't slag each other off either.

Sorry I'm the parent not the child, bur from what I've learned with my own children:

• speak only about the good parts of your ex. And do find something good to say about them (force it out!!!) as that is half of their heritage and it won't help them to worry that they have inherited the less good parts.
• don't show annoyance for leaving things they need at their other home (sounds facile but can be frustrating for all). Put yourself in those shoes and think how easily something could be left at the wrong house and how frustrating it would be always trying to remember where things are.
• Don't fight over holidays.
• Don't get annoyed when the other parent refuses to pay for anything at all as 'they already give you money for that' (court-ordered!) Be the bigger person and provide your child with the toothpaste etc they need to visit their other home.
• And when the miserly other parent who can barely afford to provide toothpaste buys randomly expensive trainers for the child, be prepared to say how lovely, aren't you lucky! gritted teeth, forced smile

Great question though! And hopefully things will be easier for you as you are in the position of being able to stay in the same home with each other until you divorce.

We do 50/50 and it works great BUT there are certain things that make the difference I think. I'm v amicable with my daughters dad and she can pretty much come and go in both houses. Also she has her own room in both houses. Not sure it would work otherwise tbh.

Just to say also that I have two young stepdaughters who don't do 50/50. They are the majority of the time with their mum. That works well too so I guess each situation is different.

I can’t answer that but I can tell you that growing up in a house where two parents should have split up was complete and utter hell, I still hate them to this day.

Honestly pretty awful - 10 when they split - 50/50 - never more than 3 nights in a row in one house. Incredibly unsettling and never felt I had a home or a real family unit.

Felt more at home at my dads owing to mother’s partner clearly preferring we weren’t there and her mental health struggles. Also felt deeply resentful I had no say in the the pattern and felt it had been structured around their social lives as the priority.

Would have much preferred to have one home and visit another. I will say my younger sister didn’t seem to be so affected by it however and perhaps if my mums situation had been better it would have been much easier.

Felt like I flourished when I went to uni and finally had a base.

One thing that I did think was a positive - eventually both parents ended up a 5 min walk from one another and very much had an ‘open door policy’ at each house, gave a lot more freedom and sense of control as a teen.

It was fine, it was all I knew. I lived with my mum and stayed with my dad every other weekend. I packed a suitcase so I guess didn't keep much there, I had my own room and it was fine. I definitely didn't feel as comfortable there as I did at my mum's and I suppose I did feel like a guest but it wasn't bad.

The main negative experiences I had were with step parents unfortunately. Always put your children first and don't expect your child to have the same love or appreciation for them as you do.

My parents never got along and my dad never bad mouthed my mum to me ever even though she probably deserved it which I really respect now as an adult.

Despite the difficulties I had I have never wished they had stayed together, just wish they handled things a bit differently.

50/50 seems to work well if the parents communicate well, allow for ease of PE kit drop of homework etc. With friends it worked as the parents had agreed similar rules (bedroom/internet/gaming/tidy bedroom etc etc) They also live near each other - or the school being a central point that the children can independently get to. & as others said being very flexible during the teenage years.

It doesn’t work if parents can’t communicate or agree on the basics.

Sometimes the child doesn’t like it, one of my friends daughter loved her Dad and spending time with him - but she couldn’t settle at night. Eventually at the age of 13 she would stay occasionally, she goes on holiday fine with her Dad but she just prefers sleeping at her Mums. The parents communicate very well and had one of the nicest divorces - still very good friends now!

Let them have 1 home that is their ‘home’ then they go to Daddy’s/Mummy’s. My DD lives at home with me where she has all her toys/pets etc & goes to Daddy’s. I think this is important for my DD & I think it’s helped.

When breaking the news to her, I did lots of research & I obviously made it sound much more positive than I should’ve because she was really happy at the news (like I’d told her she’d won a trip to Disney)

Be prepared for upset & questions in the coming months but it does get better & if anything like mine, end up much happier & settled. I would say 2 years after they’re more or less settled in the new normal & all is good.

It’s shite growing up in two homes. Half the money and having to share another parent with someone else and their kids. I’m not with my children’s father and they don’t see him. But I’m not going to put them through the crap of having a blended family so I’m going to stay single. For their sake.

I obviously made it sound much more positive than I should’ve because she was really happy at the news (like I’d told her she’d won a trip to Disney)

This is actually gaslighting the child. The only purpose it serves is to make it easier on the parent, so they don’t have to face the child’s upset when they realise what’s happening. My dad did it to me and it really messed me up, because I couldn’t work out why I felt so stressed and sad about this ‘amazing thing’ my parents were doing.

Its better to man/woman up, be truthful with your child that something bad is happening to them, that it is entirely the parents/adults’ fault and responsibility, that you understand it is completely unfair that your child is the one who will suffer the consequences of its parents’ shortcomings, but that you’ll do your best to listen and make it as easy as possible on the child.

I came from a good secure parent home and have the same with my own family. The only thing I know is my best friend ended in a spli relationship from age 6 and she never felt either house was home

I had this positive experience too, except I was 9 when they split up. 2 loving homes. Now my own dc have them all as loving, involved grandparents.

I think this thread shows there's no guaranteed outcome and this can be done very well, very badly and everything in between. Like all relationships.

I do find it odd when people talk about this being done well. The reason that most couples divorce is because they have some irresolvable differences. If a couple are capable of such an amazing divorce, why the hell are they splitting up?

I was 7 when mine divorced. My dad moved 2 hours away which made everything a LOT harder. I would recommend living in as close geographically as possible, it effects so much. I would also say make sure they have their own stuff at both houses as I was always lugging stuff about, taking stuff to school, forgetting stuff etc.
And going out and doing stuff at both houses so time with both parents is enjoyable.

This is great to read

This is absolutely what I wish I had and what I know now that the child version of me really, really needed. I think I'd be a very different person if I'd had these things. Instead I had warring parents, really uncomfortable handovers, parents who lived hours away from each other and when I went to my dads we didn't really do anything or were taken to the pub so I was bored.

My parents separated when I was 10. 50/50 care. I had my own room in each house and it was fine. I absolutely felt like they were both my home, even when my dad’s partner moved in with her children.

They lived close to each other so I could get the same school bus and walk between the two houses as I got older.

I was talking to a friends 17yr old daughter last week. Parents did everything in their power to make sure there were no issues for the children. Everything they had at mums they also had at dads. There was no packing/unpacking and both children have their own rooms. They had 50/50 care, 50/50 bank account so they equally paid for expenses, no rows, no animosity on either side, both bought homes close to each other for ease of schools, friends etc. but the daughter says she can't wait to leave as she doesn't feel like she ever belonged at either of them. She feels like a lodger in both.

So I'm on the fence really. Except that not involving children in your own feelings or gripes with you ex is paramount.

This is so helpful to read.

We don't intend on doing 50/50 as I see the value in them having consistency in one home. I think we will go for EOW plus one weekday at Dads. We will live close together.

I have no intention of having a relationship anytime soon and if I do I quite like the idea of only seeing them on my weekends without the kids. I hate the thought of moving a man with or without children in to live with my kids.

I want to allow my kids to talk about how difficult it is without me trying to convince them that it's going to be great. Obviously I will try to make it positive but if it doesn't feel positive then I want them to be able to tell me.

I don't want them to have to have an overnight bag at all really. Of course I'll let them take a fav toy or something but otherwise everything that they need has to be at Dads too.

That sounds like really good choices to me.

As PPs have said, the relationship between the divorced parents is probably critical, and whether step parents come on the scene.

Having said that, my preference would be for nesting, where the kids stay in the family home and the parents come to live there during their contact time. That keeps the home and stability for the kids.

That’s obviously more expensive though, unless the parents share the other home ( so stay in it during their non-contact time), but that brings its own issues. I still think I would prefer this for my kids though.