Anyone else who'll be separated from their kids at Christmas?

[ArtemisFlop]

First one. Separated two years but they've been with me the last two. Not sure how I'm going to get through it. Can't really imagine what it will be like without my mind going to really scary places. Please share examples of it being okay.

Bumping

Oh OP I didn't want to read and run. Hopefully more people with experience of this will be on to give you some good ideas. Do you have extended family you could be with? xxx

I'm not at this point as unlikely that their dad will have any suitable accommodation for a good while yet but in my mind if I wasn't going to family and then depending on when handover would take place I'd book a night in posh hotel on the coast somewhere. If I couldn't afford that then hunker down with lots of nibbles and box sets - drive out somewhere nice for a long walk x

It will absolutely be ok. I've been divorced 9 years and we do a year on year off. The first one without them was tricky-but more the run up to it than the actual day of iyswim? I was dreading it and I was a bit teary in the morning. But my school of thought is you can do anything, no matter how hard, as long as you know it will end. And it does. The clock turns midnight and it's done. All the usual tropes of keep yourself busy, get nice food in, go for a walk apply. I did all those things. I worked a few hours in the morning (care home manager so that was easy to do-and a nice way to spend the morning really), then went home, took the dogs for a long walk in the woods, then made myself a lovely dinner, had a couple of wines, watched a non Christmassy film and went to bed early with my book and some Nytol to knock me out. It was nowhere near as bad as I thought and year on year it's got easier. This year both me and now Dh (I was single for the first four on my own), have neither of my kids or my DSS's and are going out for a posh lunch and we are really looking forward to it tbh. We'd rather have the kids but this is different and will be good in a different way.
When do you get them back after Christmas?

Hi OP didn't want to read and not say anything. It must be really hard. My sil spends alternate Christmas' with her son and I know on the years she doesn't have him she struggles but she will usually go to her mums or go away. I hope you are able to celebrate with them before or after

My children almost always go to their dad at Xmas. They have other siblings there so I feel it's nicer for them to be altogether on Xmas morning! We have our Xmas day on Boxing Day.

It's never really bothered me, I don't care what day we celebrate as long as we do!

It does feel a bit sad but I know they are happy spending it with their cousins so this helps. We celebrate the day before! So we do have a ‘proper’ day of it. I make sure I have some fun plans for myself with friends/family.

Is splitting the day an option? We do Xmas eve to lunchtime Xmas day and then lunchtime Xmas day and Boxing Day on alternative years?

Thanks everyone for your replies.

@BigBundleOfFluff we can't agree on the split. He's started giving ultimatums. Either his way or no contact at Christmas and I have to wait until new year to see them. Not very consultative
We haven't got a plan yet but the separation feels almost inevitable.

Irony is he didn't grow up celebrating Christmas and didn't even experience it until he got together with me. He hasn't ever been bothered about it so even during our marriage I did all the prep- tree, presents etc. When we first split he went on holiday at Christmas and didn't send them presents. But suddenly he's very keen.

He knows what buttons to push where it hurts. I’ve got one of these too.

The one decent thing my exh did was to after I had DC Xmas Eve and Xmas day and he'd get them Boxing day and 27th. I'd get them back on the 28th December. I know he only agreed to that because he didn't want to be bothered with doing stockings or cooking Xmas dinner. It will be hard not seeing them on Xmas day but could you do early Xmas with them let them hang stockings on 23rd of December and celebrate with a Xmas meal on Xmas Eve like some other countries do?

How can he unilaterally decide you can't see your DC until New Year?

This'll be my first Xmas without DD and I'm getting really excited about it. A seafood platter to eat (no cooking) and just doing exactly what I like, starting off with a long lie in. I'm embracing how different it's going to be. DD will get her presents when she gets back, but I'm not going to re enact Xmas.

I alternate with my ex now. This year they are with me. We usually do late xmas eve till early afternoon boxing day.
Last year I spent xmas with my parents and eldery grandparents then got my girls back and had presents with my family.
Next year it will be just me again and if Im not with my parents I have some fab friends who wont let me be alone even if I wanted too

@Mumof3confused sorry you have this as well. The demands I get are all around things he previously didn't care about but knows I do. It's hurtful and confusing.

@Soopermum1 that's great to hear you're planning to enjoy it! I need to be more like you...

@Itsybitsydoodah how do you find alternating? I have to decide what's worse. Alternating and just not seeing them until new year or having them dragged home for Christmas lunch having not had Christmas Eve and their stockings at home.

XH takes them to his parents 6 hours drive away so there's no splitting Christmas day. One gets Christmas and one New Years. I always try and fit a way to long to do list into their absence and keep very busy. Works better for me then trying to relax and enjoy the time.

Its not great but I found it easier than splitting the day. We dont live near each other so its better for the girls to not have to sit in a car for hours on xmas day. We just do our presents once they are home with me

It subs like your ex is doing this to punish you. Ultimately, one parent had to have the "first" cheetahs and in your shoes I would tell myself that he can have the first Christmas and then do not very best to make out like I was going to have the best day and I was looking forward to it. I would even go as far to say that he's doing you a favour. Catch him off gates and say so when exactly do you want them? How about from morning off the 24th to the morning of Boxing Day? Are you sure you can accommodate that before I confirm my plans? EXCELLENT! Thank you, I'm so glad we've been able to get over this. Then a few days later accidentally send a link to him for a fancy restaurant and then quickly apologise that it wasn't meant for him.

As soon as he thinks he's doing you a favour and you have plans, plans that possibly include other people, I bet his intentions change. Men like him love to use the kids to hurt their exes, but the idea of the exes having a life while they are "baby sitting" absolutely kills this sort of arsehole .

I had Christmas without my kids when they were younger. I really didn't think of it as Christmas Day, we celebrated on a different day together.

On Christmas Day I had a super chilled day. M&S picnic/buffet style nibbles. Walk if weather was nice. Watched tv/box sets and read books.

Once I shifted my mindset I actually quite enjoyed it. Christmas can be any day you choose to celebrate it.

My DC are adults now. They are with their dad this year. The same will apply. We will spend time together on a different day.