I want to end my marriage

[Warrior13]

I want to leave my husband. We've been married for 10+ years and without realising it, hes been manipulating me. Every decision that has ever been made, always has an advantage for him, otherwise I would get told no. We have 2 kids, primary school age.
I'm not happy and haven't been for a while, he's abused our finances on the grounds that it's his money and he can do what he wants. I don't work, first it was to keep costs low due to nursery and now I am studying for my masters (part time) and look after the house and our kids. While he just works and contribute bare minimum towards the house. His contribution is the finances. He does help out with school clubs, school run as and when he can, but like I said its bare minimum because he's self employed and his work is not 9-5.

We're now in a crap load of debt, that I'm helping him out of, I even took out a loan to help him (I know, with hind sight, I wouldn't have).

I guess the advice I need is, is there a way out for me? If I propose divorce because I am extremely unhappy and my mental health is detriorating, what options do I have? Could I get support if I rented? If I got my share of the property, could I put this aside so that I can purchase a property after I complete my masters? Or will this been seen as savings and I would get no help?

I really do not know what options I have. What do people do when they feel trapped? I can't go to my mums as she has a 2 bed house and not fit for me or my kids.

I can't live like this where I'm constantly getting shouted at or belittled because i'm being selfish because he's tired and I've just asked for some support. I feel trapped and need an out for me and my kids. Any useful advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

So you’re not working? Then the first thing to do is get a job, you need an income.
Get your own bank account with the child benefit paid into it.
Start saving up Boots/Tesco/Sainsbury’s etc points.
See a family solicitor for advice.

See a solicitor. You need a solid base of knowledge. Some practices offer half an hour of free legal advice. Ring around and ask about that. You can go to more than one.

You seem to feel powerless so set the ball rolling because knowledge is power.

Meanwhile get a job. Any job that you can do and might enjoy. This too will empower you.

Can you hang in at home until you’ve completed your masters or is it too unbearable? This might help with job hunting later on/better income.

All these things take time. No knee jerk reactions. Small steps begin the longest journey. With planning (keep your plans to yourself whatever the provocation) is key.
Start today.

"While he just works and contribute bare minimum towards the house. His contribution is the finances. He does help out with school clubs, school run as and when he can, but like I said its bare minimum because he's self employed and his work is not 9-5."

Well yeah. I see this kind of thing quite often on MN that someone who works like a dog in their own business is apparently doing fuck all as they don't do much at home apart from finances which are somehow reduced to the bottom of the list of priorities.

So I don't think this is a fair statement. Sorry. Maybe your DH is pissed off that you swan around at home all day, drinking coffee and pushing a hoover around occasionally. Obviously that's not how it is but you've completely dismissed his contribution so maybe he dismisses yours?

Only you know if your marriage is salvageable. I would certainly try counselling before divorce with 2 young DCs. People will tell you divorce doesn't affect kids. I got divorced when I had primary school age kids and it affects them badly.

But you have to be reasonable and your statement above doesn't sound reasonable.

How long is left on your masters? If at all possible, I’d just grey rock him and assume you’ll be doing 99% of home and family stuff for now and soldier through till you have a job.

The debt is a concern but if in England will be considered joint debt regardless of whose name it’s in. how much is the loan for and do you know why he’s getting into debt? Is his business in trouble?

basically, I’d focus on the practical issues for now.

If hiring a solicitor will be difficult due to finance issues, see if this resource might help/give you some advice.
https://iamlip.com/
https://iamlip.com/home
That way you can get yourself out of this situation without getting into any further debt. If you still need a solicitor's help then this may at least be able to lower the costs by showing you how to do some of it yourself e.g. filling out forms.

You deserve better. You deserve to live a happy life without another person's negativity. Put yourself and your kids first and take the steps towards a better future for you. Your future self will thank you for it xxx
It might seem scary now but it'll be worth it - definitely go through with your decision.
Also! The first help guide might be really useful to you to get everything ready that you need to get ready before divorcing - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/

You can't do a masters part time with no job AND pursue a divorce. Not at the same time. He may well be awful but you don't seem at all appreciative of him producing all the finances for the pair of you.

agree with @THisbackwithavengeance

Thank you. This is the general advice I have been getting. Its amicable and we get on but its the manipulation and the questions, like hes trying to collect ammunition to use against when we get into an arguement. Thanks again.

Thank you. This is the general advice I have been getting. Its amicable and we get on but its the manipulation and the questions, like hes trying to collect ammunition to use against when we get into an arguement. Thanks again.

My husband is a hard working man so I have not said 'he does fuck all' and sorry about late reply. I was busy swanning around, with the hoover, mop, laundry, shopping, decluttering and all the things that get brushed under 'life of leisure'.

If my husband is pissed off, i'm sure he can address it rather than fuck up "our" finances and then ask me to get involved to sort his shit out. But I guess i'm not good enough to be involved in the finances because I am just swanning around.

Please read my post or other posts carefully because you go off on one and judgemental plus I don't have the time to put my whole life story on here because of all the swanning around. All the best and thanks for your in put.

I was busy swanning around, with the hoover, mop, laundry, shopping, decluttering and all the things that get brushed under 'life of leisure'

You realise most women work full time and do all those things? Your kids are in school so you must have a lot of free time. You do seem a bit ungrateful that you don’t have to work & your husband pays all your bills.

This is what I have been told but my friend did say to ask on a forum because we all can't know everything legally or financially. My masters is part time and so I have a few years left.

Thank you for your guidance.

Get a one off consultation with a family solicitor to find out what you would be entitled to. Read up on emotional and financial abuse mainly so you don't think you are going mad and how to protect yourself a little more.

I think you can only keep your share of the house money for six months before it affects any benefits but check with CAB etc.

Agree with the others, getting a job is a bigger priority than your masters, can it be put on hold for a year or something?

At this present moment yes it will be due to not working. I am focusing on me and my kids. Thank you for the website links, I will definitely check them out. Knowledge is power etc and thank you for your kind words, we all deserve to be happy and not constantly have to worry about problems that we don't cause but then forced to pick up the pieces. Thanks again and all the best.

I can't speak for most woment because I am just one person, someone that you don't know but seem to have judged. I am not here for your judgement and I think you should read my post fully to understand why I am asking for advice, your post is not advice. All the best.

If producing the finances, includes financial abuse then you are spot on. I don't appreciate it at all. Thank you and all the best.

(Please read my post or any main post before commenting.)

Due to my age and my kids growing up, I don't think it would be feasible to put my studies on hold. I am looking into work and applying so see how that goes. Thank you for your guidance.