Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

Original poster

Coparenting Agreements AITA?

19 replies

EthelTheGoose · 05/11/2023 21:19

This might be a bit long so please bear with me.

Recently split from my daughters dad. I am a SAHM and he is self employed. We have a joint mortgage which he has agreed to buy me out of. Currently both living in the house with the view of myself leaving once the mortgage has been transferred.

Our child is 2, and I have proposed 50:50 custody, or as close to that as we can, he's a good dad and I know its in our child's best interest that he is actively involved.

He has said that for him this would never work for him financially, and he would have to work more hours than he does currently to afford bills and to pay me my share of the property (mortgage provider won't allow him to remortgage any higher than what is outstanding)
He currently works 12 on 2 off, and is implying that he would need to work even more so couldn't possibly commit to set days to have our child.

He has, on multiple occasions, said that I'm in a dream world if I think he can have our child more than 2 weekends a month, and that its my fault because I'm choosing to leave, and want a share of the house.

Am I being unreasonable expecting him to step up and parent more often than every other weekend? I know court is an option, but what is the usual outcome for parenting arrangements?

He has another child who he sees every other weekend, but this involves quite a commute (3hrs each way) and 99% certain he'd only be willing to have our child on the same weekend (as he works every other weekend), meaning that realistically it would mean picking up Saturday morning and dropping off 11am Sunday. If that is what he's wanting to do, personally I'd say that's babysitting and not actually parenting - I just don't know where I stand with getting him to do any additional days.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 05/11/2023 21:21

Unfortunately you can not make him look after your shared child anymore than he is willing to.

justalittlesnoel · 05/11/2023 21:23

I mean it's unreasonable to expect him to do more than EOW when you've watched him do that with his other child - you've seen it in action for some time surely? Unfortunately you can't force him to have more time than he's willing to I don't think.

justalittlesnoel · 05/11/2023 21:24

Sorry on reading that back, that might have come out bitchier than I meant - I meant it more along the lines of he's already shown his true colours by only having his other child EOW, so it looks like he's going to follow the crappy pattern with your joint DC now!

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 21:25

sounds like he will be doing eow. That is going to be hard enough if he is doing shift work

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 21:29

presumably you will be finding a job too?

SD1978 · 05/11/2023 21:30

You can't force 50/50, and you were happy to be with a man who sees his older child 2 nights a month. I'm not sure where you thought that this would be any different for your joint child. He will probably offer exactly the same of a Saturday night once a fortnight, and probably expect your child to be in the car for the extended travel time to see his other child. You'll need to go through CSM, but he can't be forced to actually parent.

SD1978 · 05/11/2023 21:31

And he seems to only be a good dad if you live with him.........he's a pretty shit dad to his eldest..........

LittleMooli · 05/11/2023 21:32

He doesn't get to dictate which weekends are "his" by all means start so he can have the kids the same weekend but I guarantee he'll want to start swapping weekends when his other kids pattern gets shifted for whatever reason. Don't give in. Every other weekend. No excuses.

Soontobe60 · 05/11/2023 21:34

If he cannot afford to pay you half the equity in the house, it may well have to be sold. You could be living there for a long time unless you’ve got spare money to rent your own place in the meantime.

Goldwakeme · 05/11/2023 21:36

Why don't you stay in the house, if he's going to hardly see DC surely you'd be entitled to more than 50%? Have you had legal advice to make that decision?

BoohooWoohoo · 05/11/2023 21:37

Court won't make him look after his child more than EOW if that's what he wants. If he works 12 on 2 off then I wouldn't count on him having the child every 2 off since he might want that time for a new gf, see his friends or do adult chores rather than see his gf. Assuming that the 2 off is always a weekend, I would predict that having your child once a month is a very likely scenario.

BoohooWoohoo · 05/11/2023 21:42

He is a dick to blame you for the little contact that he's planning to have but basically he will be able to say how much he can see the child and will be granted that amount as long as it's less than 50% of the time. If he wanted he could get a Child Arrangement Order where his time is measured in hours rather than overnights.

If he barely sees the child post divorce then that's because he works 12 days a fortnight rather than because you initiated a split. Don't feel guilty about taking your share of the equity - presumably paying you is less than starting over so he is getting a fair deal.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 05/11/2023 21:42

I'm suprised by your suprise that he will not be having your shared child more than he had his older child when he was with you.

Why would you think it would be different

You could get a CAO. But they will follow the minimum set by the NRP. So he will get what he's asking for

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2023 21:45

You can’t make him have her more than he wants to. As the resident parent, which is what it looks like you’ll be, you have to make your child available for whatever contact he’s supposed to have but you can’t do anything if he doesn’t turn up.

It’s shit.

How involved is he with her at the moment?

cadburyegg · 05/11/2023 21:48

You can't make a parent parent. CMS exists for money, but no court will force contact that one parent doesn't want because they will not see it in the best interest of the child.

But I do agree with you, ex has the dc EOW which imo is the bare minimum, however the dc are much more bonded to me (understandably) so they'd hate 50/50.

Original poster

EthelTheGoose · 05/11/2023 21:53

I get what you're saying, the EOW arrangement with his eldest is due to the other parent not allowing more contact (he gets the odd additional days during holidays)

He's self employed so is currently choosing the work pattern he's on. But he's essentially saying because his work can change overnight (could be local, could be the other end of the country) that he won't be able to guarantee any set days as it would all depend on work

OP posts:

Original poster

EthelTheGoose · 05/11/2023 21:57

I couldn't take on the mortgage as I'm currently a SAHM. I am looking for work but even if I worked full time I'm not sure they'd give me the mortgage unfortunately

OP posts:

BoohooWoohoo · 05/11/2023 21:58

Shift workers get Child Arrangement Orders so presumably NRP can ask for time with the requirement that there is x days notice.

In your shoes I'd be concerned that your child spends 6 hours in the car to see their half sibling EOW because that would be shit for your child. (I'm assuming that it's not 6 hour round trip twice)

Winnipeggy · 05/11/2023 22:21

I think you need to concentrate on what you can do for your daughter and don't push him to have her more than he's willing to. I know it's hard, but how would you feel about sending her to him knowing he wasn't reliable/didn't necessarily want her there? Do you really think 50/50 custody would be in her best interests given that his job is unpredictable?

Flip