Is he done with our marriage or depressed

[user1471886287]

My husband says he is numb and frustrated with ‘me and home life’. Ive asked him if he wants to leave he can, or Ill go but he won’t go but he said he doesn’t want to leave us. He said he loves and me but wants to be happier (he isn’t as happy as he could be) He wants to be left alone to work on his own head so won’t talk about it much or get any help from docs. He also has some bad days when he doesn’t speak or want to be near us

I’m now left in limbo thinking is he depressed?, does he want to end the marriage?, is he bored with me?, has he checked out of family life? is it a MLC (he is 40)? He is colder and less affectionate but will cuddle me back if I cuddle him and he hugged me tight last week and said Im sorry for putting you through this.

We have had a great marriage up until a slight wobble 2 years ago when he was working long hours and burnt out and I was perimenopausal but that’s all fine now (thank god for HRT). Im sure there is no OW as see each other all the time.

We have been together a long time and we have children. Any advice welcome or what to do. I love him very much but Im really struggling on what to do

He needs to see the GP. If he won’t he needs to move out and stop dragging you down.

What does he do to help himself feel happier, and has he spoken about anything he intends to do to help him improve things?

GP and counselling. Here in the UK we tend to be reluctant to go into therapy, which can be life-changing and hugely beneficial.

Find out how long he expects you to be married to someone who feels "numb and frustrated" about you. He is married and part of a family, and that doesn't leave him with the option of being left alone to work on his own head indefinitely.

It would be very reasonable of you to expect him to take some purposeful steps towards help to improve his mindset, starting with a trip to the GP to rule out any physiological causes, and finding a good therapist.

Depression it sounds like. Your DH needs to see a good GP and take his health seriously.
Also is there one activity that you always enjoy together?
Do it more often. Make time for simple pleasures.

He needs to see his GP, but if he won't it's unlikely to get better quickly. What is he doing about his feelings? Is he taking more exercise, eating better etc?

Tbh in your shoes, if he's refusing to take any action I'd give him a set amount of time and then take the decision out of his hands. I understand that if he's depressed he needs support and help, but he needs to help himself too and he can't expect to leave you in limbo for an unset amount of time

He was running and doing more exercise but now the colder nights have come in he seems to just have a few drinks and fall asleep each night. He is ok in work and when we are socialising with other people (although he did say work and everything was getting him down a few weeks ago) but it just seems to be his home life (me and the kids) that he isnt happy in.

I'm taking it so personally, I don't know what to do anymore. The thought of him dating someone else is killing me.

Has anyone else been thought this and come out the other side ok, better and stronger?

Update for anyone interested, he is still the same. Its the coldness that I cant deal with, the no cuddles. He has low times then the next day he just blurts out meanie stuff like, you are being like my mother stop fussing, Ive been uphappy for years and you didnt notice (he has never said he was unhappy) you are talking to people about this when I asked you not to so I dont trust you now.

He is such a different person.

Ive said he can leave but he wont as he said I want my wife and family, but this is me and I need space and time to deal with 'this' and his 'struggling'. I dont know what this is? Depression or he just doesnt have the courage to leave us? He doesnt love me anymore (he said he does).

This is awful

Sounds like depression

It sounds awful, I really feel for you.
I'm a man and there's a very toxic culture of 'I AM MAN, MUST BE STRONG' that I'm trying to break down, at least in my friendship circle.

A lot of men don't think depression is a 'thing' or that it only affects a certain age group, people of a certain demographic etc.
It's something anyone at any age can suffer with, and there needs to be more awareness of this so men do get the help they need.

I've battled my own mental health for getting on for 2 decades now, but I'm on first-name terms with my GP after repeated visits for help and follow-ups.
He sounds depressed - I really hope he reaches out for the help he needs.

Good luck

Thank you so much for this @Deathbyfluffy , Im so sorry that you are going through this too This is exactly how he is, its been months now and he can see myself and our kids struggling (and our marriage breaking) but he will not go to the docs or look for help. Nothing I say is right and he gets irritated when I say 'if there is anything you need or any extra support please let me know' (as he will not communicate verbally unless) I'm now wating on the wrath to come back as I just said this to him. Its like he is 2 people, he is not the man I married, this new guy is a total pr*. I keep hoping I get my husband back

He isn't depressed, he's fed up of the responsibility of family life.

He wants the image of being a good family man without making any contribution to family life.

He wants you to do all the work,OP, while he does nothing except things for himself.

I notice he's not too depressed to socialise and apparently enjoys that

But he doesn't want to be bothered with you and your children. To him you are all boring, a burden, a chore, a nuisance.

How does that make you feel? How do you think it makes your children feel?

Personally, I'd be finding a way to split up.

I'm sorry, op, but you have got to stop being such a doormat. You should be absolutely furious by this point. How dare he keep threatening your marriage, telling you how you're the problem, how miserable he is, blah blah blah. You keep tiptoeing around this arsehole like he's some fragile little bird. I'm not convinced at all that there isn't another woman in the background. He is reciting The Script nearly word for word.

I'd be telling him that this fucking game playing is over and he can get out because the marriage is done for.

I'm sorry but it does sound like like a classic case of his head being turned somehow - he is rewriting history (suddenly he has always been unhappy even though he never mentioned it before?). This is not a good sign. Are you sure there is nobody new on the scene that is distracting him? Is he on his phone more than usual?

If I'm wrong and it is just depression then he needs to find a way to figure it out and not just lay the blame on you. He needs to make an effort to fix it or go to his GP and get help. You can spend your life tiptoeing around him.

Have a read of this OP and see if anything resonates -

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

So, when he says he "wants his wife" - what does that mean? because he clearly doesn't mean that he wants you as a loved person in his life. In fact, I'm willing to bet that you do all the heavy lifting at home - carry the mental load, take the lead on organising things, cookign/cleaning, childcare etc?

So if he leaves, he will have to take responsibility for things, and he doesn't want to do that.

it might well be he doesn't want to do that because he's depressed. But if he's not going to deal with it, he must suck it up.

I think it's time for you to get angry. So what if he "wants" his wife and family. You ALSO have rights and what you want is a loving, engaged husband and father and if he's not able or willing to be that for you, or do the work required to get back to that, then he must ship out.

He also has some bad days when he doesn’t speak or want to be near us

This sounds awful, whatever his problems are it sounds like in his mind you are getting the blame for them somehow.
We all go through bad patches but you need to have some kind of time limit on how long you will put up with this. If I was his child and my father wouldn’t speak to me it would be very upsetting.

I'm sorry OP. I think you need to be quite clear with him in that you aren't prepared to put up with his foul moods and nasty behaviour. You and your children don't have to put up with this.

Op, it's bad enough that you are allowing him to use you as his emotional punching bag, but you're allowing him to use your kids, too.

It is way beyond time that you tell him this shit is over. You will no longer tolerate even one more second of his abuse and neglect. If he's wanting you to be the "bad guy" and to be the one to end the marriage, fine, by all means, grant his wish.

This can't go on. Not another day.

Thanks all for your comments, I will take them all on board

I agree with PP too - it's not just you that's suffering, it's your children too. I cannot imagine a situation where DH decides he just isn't going to talk to or engage with the children and the rest of us just have to suck it up? It's incomprehensible.

He's being a complete dickhead and if he really thinks it's because of his mental health, then he needs to go sort that out. But I think he's just being a dick.