Is alcohol to blame or is that an excuse to leave him

[Whitegrenache]

Been with DP for 23 years 2 teenage DC.

Muddled along with our life with lovely
House holidays etc. no abuse emotional or physical.

His big issue in our relationship for a long time is lack of Intimacy on my behalf

I have a very low Libido since my early 20s and now aged 47 if I never had sex again It would not bother me.

DP had a nervous breakdown earlier this year and it was extremely difficult to work through as he was in a terrible state and nearly attempted suicide.

I have finally come to the realisation that I have issues that need addressing

Firstly I have "almost" accepted that he is an alcoholic and I finally went to Al anon today for my first meeting. He is fully functional but drinks every evening 8-10 Cans lager each day approximately ,usually with out any issues, however him being verbally nasty to me when pissed is becoming a more frequent occurrence.

The kids 14/17 have expressed to me that dad is Knob when he is pissed and DD17 has told me she avoids coming downstairs on an evening.

However when I have really thought about it this has been a long time coming and he on reflection has always drank too much all the time I have been with him. But it was never a big enough issue.

Secondly if I am being really honest even if he became sober I still Don't think I want to be with him. I don't fancy him and he's more like a brother.

His behaviour with alcohol is becoming more obvious on holidays and last week this reared his ugly head again when as a family we went home one night after our evening meal at approx 10.30pm he complained about going back to the hotel so Much that it was annoying to everyone and when we got back to the hotel he went immediately to bed in a huff and then 10 Mins later he was getting dressed again and went out drinking until 2am coming back drunk (I also looked at his phone and he had been searching for strip bars)

He did exactly the same thing on holiday earlier in the year but told me he was going out to find a swingers club...

The next day after this behaviour he is full of apologies and swears he loves
Me etc...

It's like Groundhog Day

Anyway I told him last night I think he has a problem with alcohol and wanted him to
Reflect (he is away with work for 10 days) he told me he is aware he drinks too much but will not give up drinking and his drinking is due to being unhappy with me.

Within 30 mins he had decided to split up and sell the house. Then this morning he's decided he may move to Australia as he has always wanted to move there. No thought to the kids etc.

Anyway I have had the last 24 hours to
Reflect and my best mate said to me if he be made sober would you want to stay together and honestly I don't think I would.

But I need to be honest with him- like I want him to Address his alcohol problems for his own good and his relationship with his children but I don't want him to think if he stops Drinking and is sober that everything in the relationship will be fine too

I am just soooooo Confused and also
Terrified of ending the relationship as it's so
Scary when I think about it.

I would totally be fine from A financial point of
View however my biggest fear is losing my lovely home

Any advice greatly appreciated

I have also decided to get counselling and continue with Al anon

I'll be very blunt.

Your relationship is over. It has been for a long time, and all you've been doing is kicking the can down the road.

He's not happy, you're not happy. His drinking is irrelevant right now, because you need to leave him whether he drinks or not. Don't bother trying to discuss his drinking with him, it won't make a difference and it will only cause problems.

Spilt up, see if you can buy him out of the house, and do everything reasonable to keep the split amicable.

I wouldn't waste another day if I were you.

He’s told you he won’t stop drinking. Believe him.

Everything will forever be blamed on you. It’s not your fault.

You and the children absolutely deserve better. Imagine the freedom of never having to walk on eggshells again! And, what are you teaching your children about healthy relationships by staying?

What Aquamarine said. It's good advice OP. I'm sorry, it's taken you a long time to realise what's going on and I realise it's scary but you can't go on like this.

It doesn’t sound like he’s anywhere near thinking about giving up drinking. I’d just tell him the relationship is over.

I don't think all your relationship problems are caused by his drinking but nonetheless, the relationship is over. I agree - don't worry about the drinking. You are in the drama triangle by what you are writing. Cut your losses and get a divorce.

PPs have already covered what I would say about your relationship and the decisions you need to make. I also wanted to say that there is something in your post that hints at how very brave and thoughtful I suspect you are. I believe that you’re already showing great signs that, whilst times are currently turbulent for you, you and your children will be fine. It is wonderful the steps you’ve taken to go to Al Anon, make your children feel safe enough to tell you how they feel and to really think and distill your thoughts and feelings down to the core essence of what you are currently feeling. It also sounds like you’ve got a wonderful friend that will be there for you.

Op is not faultless here
living with someone who doesn’t want sex with you is soul destroying and op should have had the courage to end it years ago

that said the drinking is not op fault and irrespective of it the relationship is dead and over and both would be better off ripping the plaster off

Thanks everyone

Believe me I'm not faultless at all and I totally understand that lack of intimacy will be awful for him.

Agreed that shouldn't be the cause of the drinking.

Ah it's just so bloody hard taking that first step to separating after so long together.

I just have fallen out of love with him

He’s not going to stop drinking.

The irrational behaviour (disappearing off in the night, saying he’s going to a Swingers Club ffs) isn’t going to stop either. This is caused by his drinking, not your lack of libido. My ex used to stay down stairs drinking and watching increasing amounts of porn. It was disgusting, it changed his sexual response and I couldn’t fancy him after that. He also used to go off on drinking binges and eventually lost his job because of drinking. Then he lost his wife, his children and his home and non of it was our fault.

You have to leave him.

And he will take his choice whether to stop drinking or not.

*He is fully functional but drinks every evening 8-10 Cans lager each day approximately ,usually with out any issues, however him being verbally nasty to me when pissed is becoming a more frequent occurrence.

The kids 14/17 have expressed to me that dad is Knob when he is pissed and DD17 has told me she avoids coming downstairs on an evening.*

How is this fully functional? Add on his outrageous behaviour on holiday and the impact on you and your DC - this is emotional neglect / abuse. Your home family life is in tatters and has been for a long time. Your DC will be deeply impacted by their emotionally absent (neglectful) parent at best or emotionally abusive at worst.

I applaud you for seeking counselling and joining Al Anon - However I note that it was he who called for the divorce and stated he wanted to emigrate in response to you asking about his drinking - not you. Why this worries me is that it appears this was him throwing his toys out of the pram and I think he will be very disruptive and obstructive during the divorce - I suspect he will not action his threats (this was just to get you to shut up) - so I think that you need to be the one driving this from the off. I am not sure you will?

I predict that your 17 year old who doesn’t come down stairs once they go to uni won’t come home if he is still in it.

Al Anon will teach you the 3 Cs. You can’t control it, you didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it.

What you can do is to reverse the emotional impact this already has had on your DC - this type of family environment sets anyone up for long term chronic MH issues. Find the site ‘Adult Children of Alcoholics’

Also his ‘functionality’ is eroding day by day. Alcoholism is a progressive disease mentally and physically. He will lose his job, his health will decline - so you may well lose your current secure financial footing and your home and have the pleasure of being his carer.....

Words are useless. Only communicate with actions. Get the house sold and the divorce done - that’s the only chance he might ‘reflect’ and change so that your DC can build a relationship with him.

Good luck - keep getting support.

I also think that your ‘low libido’ is directly related to specific behaviours of the DH you have chosen. Anyone’s fanny would snap shut at the prospect of an ugly, drunk, slurring, slobbering lump approaching.

I know two friends in similar dynamics they went on to have revived active joyous sex lives after they moved on from the drunk.

‘Op is not faultless here
living with someone who doesn’t want sex with you is soul destroying and op should have had the courage to end it years ago’

What ridiculous response. Plays into the hands of people who think women need to keep a man happy in bed or else he’ll stray (and then it’s her fault). I can’t quite believe I read this here.

My ex used to complain about my lack of sex drive, he sent me to the GP even to check my hormones. In the end I divorced him for various reasons which I don’t need to go into here but essentially he was a man child and cocklodger. Guess what, there’s NOTHING wrong with my sex drive and I’ve had a completely new lease of life. I was just turned off by him. He did make me feel very guilty about not enjoying sex with him.

@Gloriously

"Your DC will be deeply impacted by their emotionally absent (neglectful) parent at best or emotionally abusive at worst."

What you said has hit me straight through my heart

What the fuck have I done to those
Kids 😢

Ah OP that sounds really tough. But I think your kids will definitely benefit in the longer term from seeing you getting a grip on this now and taking action to separate. They will see that you have a red line and are prepared to act. It's definitely not too late.

essentially he was a man child and cocklodger

Yuck.

Total visceral turn off.

I think Mother Nature has us biologically programmed to get the ‘ick’ so we don’t reproduce with losers.

Nothing wrong with your libido @Whitegrenache - can’t imagine that specimen getting anyone’s engine running.....

@bluejelly 100%

I know this fact is hard to hear @Whitegrenache but IME many women are raised to tolerate too much shit themselves and stay in toxic situations self sacrificing for far too long - but the minute you mention what their children are absorbing and internalising the reality hits.

I hope that you find the focus to move your DCs out of this environment and overtly focus on a new chapter with them.

You haven’t damaged your children. But you do have a chance to make a better home life for them, as well as showing them how women should be treated (relevant whether you have daughters or sons).

Kid will be fine. Mine are. Sadly they no longer have contact with their Dad (his choice really). My son, now 17 doesn’t drink and says he never wants to drink given his experience. We are a secure family unit of 3. There is a (good) life beyond divorce. You will be fine.

8-10 cans of lager a day sounds like he is an alcoholic with alcohol dependency rather than a binge alcoholic. Alcohol withdrawal could actually be a dangerous, life threatening process for him. He might not even be able to stop straight away but he will need medical help. This kind of alcohol dependency can also physically and mentally change someone over time which is why you probably cannot even imagine being with him sober.

I think as others have said, you might be best to focus on yourself and how you exit this relationship.

You see, my late husband would have said that he drank because he was unhappy and because he wasn't getting enough sex. Thing is, it's difficult to want sex with someone who drinks so much that the bedroom stinks of stale alcohol sweat, someone who drinks so much that he has ED but won't acknowledge that. So you end up in a vicious circle.

Jesus he is an awful state crying over the phone begging to get back together and he will Change 😢
Then Said I was a heartless bitch
Then cried again
Then wants the house on the Market straight away

Now texting begging me to change my mind

Fuck this is so hard

Write a list of all the reasons, to remind yourself when he starts trying to hoover you back in with the promises and declarations.

It is indeed incredibly hard, but you are doing the right thing - for yourself and for your DC. Life with an alcoholic is hell - been there, got that T-shirt. Life without an alcoholic is so much better that you can't contemplate it from where you are now - you only see it when it's happening. I'm just over 5 years from my late husband's death, we had been separated for 8 months beforehand and honestly I have so many treasured memories of how good life got once I was single and it was just me and the DC.

@K4tM its not ridiculous at all

so many sexless marriages where women think they are perfectly happy/ then appear shocked 5/20/25 years later when partner has an affair! A good relationship needs intimacy and sex

now I’ve in no way said op is responsible for his drinking. But the relationship is dead. A long time ago. And op should have the courage to say so and tell him

I have told him Tonight and he is begging me to Work it out and says he can live without sex and he will do anything to stay together