Separated, living apart. H seems to be having a breakdown.

[howtocope]

Separated and living apart almost a year. At first I thought the separation might help the relationship but H seems to have no interest in spending time together. He told me he didn't have feelings for me anymore a couple of years ago. I guess it just took me a while to believe/accept it.

Since the separation I've found that I love living without him (DD17 is with me). I've had time to re-examine the relationship and now think that I was often too forgiving and definitely put myself last. I've started a new career now and feel that I'm blossoming.

H, on the other hand, seems to be heading towards some kind of breakdown. He's lost a lot of weight and is odd when we see him, not making eye contact, his emotions and reactions seem off. He's changed jobs. Hardly sees the kids. I've had friends ask if he's ill. He doesn't see our friends, but they bump into him from time to time.

I guess my question is, how responsible should I feel? I definitely have a sense of guilt, though I know it isn't warranted. Part of me feels like I should be doing something, talking to him about it, but I spent 30 years trying to make him happy and I'm exhausted. I don't want to worry about him anymore. Maybe for the sake of the kids I should speak to him. Not that I see it making any difference. I feel very confused.

He is not your responsibility. Don’t go backwards.
Does he have family ?

Does he have family members and close friends? I'd have a word with whoever he is closest to. Say you're concerned.

If there's no one like that in his life and you're genuinely concerned he is on the road to breakdown, I'd tell him you're concerned and suggest he talks to his GP or (if he can afford it) make an appointment privately. That's all you can do.

Why are you worried about him? Get on with your own blossoming life OP.

Was it him that initiated the separation? Tbh the answer is the same either way (leave him be) but doubly so if he's the one that started all this. I suspect the grass isn't greener. Agree with speaking to someone else about looking out for him. You've done it for 30 years let someone else take him on.

Not responsible at all!! Are the kids worried about him?

He doesn't have any close friends or family. He does see a counselor, but it's been the same one for seven years and she's certainly not been helpful as far as I can tell.

I don't think the kids are worried. They're 17 and 21 and busy with their own lives. H isn't seeing them much either.

I wouldn't say that he initiated the separation, but he made it intolerable at home (for me & DD) until I had to do something.

You could mention it to his GP perhaps.

On another note, have you initiated divorce and especially separating your finances? If he loses the ability to work due to poor mental health it could impact the division of assets and he could get significantly more.

It sounds like you were doing a lot that made his life easier ( you said I've had time to re-examine the relationship and now think that I was often too forgiving and definitely put myself last.)

I think that the way he is shows how much you were doing before the separation. He was always like this and whatever you did mitigated it.

You are not responsible for sorting out any of his issues, he’s an adult. I agree that you could ask a mutual friend/family member to encourage him to see the GP but that’s the extent of what I would do.

He obviously can't function without another person propping him up. He has to learn though, doesn't he?

If I were you I'd get busy with the divorce and leave him to crack on. Odds are he will end up with a new support human soon enough.

You shouldn't feel responsible, but probably will experience that emotion anyway. 30 years is a long time. He needs to look after himself. You seem to be moving towards happiness without him. Talk to a counsellor yourself about the feeling of responsibility and how you can deal with it (probably by accepting that you will feel it for a time, but cannot and should not act on it). A lot of men struggle to maintain friendships and extended family. He will need to overcome that himself, or he will become isolated. It it is up to him to live his life, not you. You are only responsible for your own happiness.

Thanks everyone.

Since the separation I've realised that I had been responsible for everything in our lives apart from money. I did all the emotional labour, all the planning, the maintenance, facilitating H's relationships with the kids, family, friends. And he regularly complained that I wasn't supportive enough. I think it's why I've found the separation so straightforward, I was doing it all before.

We haven't started the legal process yet. I know it will all fall to me and I've been busy setting up a home for me & DD (we sold the family home and have two flats), helping DD with uni applications, getting this new career off the ground, and trying to heal from the last few years of unhappiness. I'm gearing myself up to take it on in the new year.

That's an excellent point about finances though. H has always been a high earner, but who knows where he's headed now. I would love to be able to support myself but am currently still dependent on H. Im hoping this new career will be the key. Otherwise, with a twenty year gap in my CV, I'll be on minimum wage if anyone will hire me. I've applied for dozens of jobs, but can't even get interviewed most of the time.

And I agree that H will probably find someone else quickly. I'm slightly surprised it hasn't happened already.

I see a counselor too, which has been really useful. It's helped me unpick the past and get some clarity.

My Mum divorced my Dad and she’s so much better for it. He would have been happy staying to make his life easier. I think he thought he’d be able to find a new younger model and be able to get them to do all the wife work.

You need to put yourself and your DD first. He is an adult man who will never learn to do anything for himself if he just expects the women around him to fix things.

Yes, that's it exactly. He does seem to expect the women in his life to carry him. Soon after the separation, he started leaning on DD17, which she found upsetting. Thankfully, she was able to discuss it with me and has set some boundaries with H. He'd been texting and ringing her constantly.

@howtocope my Dad definitely tries to use me to do his admin. I’m 36 though so I am able to put boundaries in place. My parents didn’t divorce until I was in my 30s but they should have done a lot earlier. My Mum is so kind and wanted to make things work. She felt like she needed to look after him.

I mean it sounds bad for him but he had this coming really. You were putting yourself last when you were together; reading between the lines he wasn't that kind to you; then he made things impossible for you until you had to do something about it (and do his dirty work - classic coward man)... now you're blossoming and happy. Not being dragged down by him anymore. However for him, now that he has on one to take care of him... he's breaking down. Studies over the decades have shown men to live better and longer when married to a woman. But married women come off worse in marriage and don't live as long. And vice versa - single/separated/divorced women live longer but the men in these cases don't.

Personally I would not go back. Get on with your life. You seem happy without him. He's got his karma. Don't be too kind.

Your story is very similar to mine (except for his 5 year affair). He took care of the money and I took care of literally everything else, but it wasn’t enough for him. He’s finding life a lot more stressful these days and it shows.

The way I see it, your STBXH cancelled his subscription to the wife package (of which looking after him was one of the inclusive benefits) so this is not your responsibility any longer.

We have one short precious life, and personally, I’m not prepared to waste any more of it on people who have disrespected me and taken my time and effort for granted.

Have you divorced yet? If you don't mind my asking, I'd be interested to know how it went for you financially. I never thought I'd be in this situation and the financial future is scary.

It's all very well to say he only contributes money. That's not nothing. Have you thought about how you'll go forward without this contribution?

To be honest I, and I think most people, could deal with the mental load if I was being fully financially supported as you appear to be.

So you are living in separate apartments, and he's supporting you in yours as well as financing his own, is that right? I think that's quite a financial burden for anyone, man or woman. You do need to get a job asap if your youngest is 17!

I'd wonder if 2 years ago, when he said he didn't have any feelings for you anymore, that he was having an affair. Otherwise, it's a nonsensical thing to say. Then, he behaved in an intolerable manner which was the catalyst for you getting rid of him. I wouldn't feel a shred of responsibility for him. Look after your dd, he can deal with the fruits of what he has done. I'd be polite, but wouldn't bother with him unless he called or whatever.

Anyone who asks you, just say you're not sure how he is because you're now separated and you're focusing on your kids.

What happens to him is on him.

I agree with you in theory and it worked very well for years. The problem came when H started to emotionally detach and become critical. He would ignore DD, get angry over the tiniest things and created an atmosphere that had us all walking on eggshells. He would give me the silent treatment, coming to bed beside me and pretending I wasn't there (once because I disagreed on the importance of Omega 3). No amount of financial support is worth that kind of treatment. The last few years I've felt like an employee, not a wife. No affection, no warmth and definitely no sex.

And just for background, H made just under £500,000 last year. My expenses with DD have been less than a quarter of that. I'm definitely looking to support myself, but H is not struggling financially.

Sweetheart definitely not responsible. See how it affects your children though. If it does talk to him.