Complex situation - should I speak to another solicitor?

[Stuckandunhappy]

Hi everyone
I would like to divorce my husband, I no longer love him, there's been years of emotional abuse and I just can't take it anymore..no intimacy for 5+ years, separate bedrooms (I share with our youngest DC), we are not even living like housemates, I feel more like a servant who does absolutely everything whilst also earning the household income.

It's however a complex situation. He has a chronic illness which affects his earning potential and he's also depressed. He has a new PT job lined up and I am waiting for it to start before bringing up the divorce. He hasn't worked for a few months (he chose to give up his last job because he had the option as I'm the breadwinner) but doesn't do anything around the house, he only does the school run for our youngest. He spends most of his time watching TV or playing computer games, also doesn't do anything with the kids.

I earn 60k, he will only earn around 10k from his job. Two DC, 12 and 7. Equity in house >£250k, my pension >£90k, not sure of his, maybe £60k.

I paid for two hours of solicitor's time (didn't instruct them yet) and they suggested due to his poor health his earning potential is limited and he is likely to get more of the equity, they suggested possibly 70%. Apparently we are both somehow supposed to buy a 3 bed place (how???) to accommodate the kids. I would get less as I can get a bigger mortgage.

If we split he can probably also get some UC and the CB to top up his income, but he would have to buy a place.

I just feel hopeless now, I'm 47 and would have to be taking on a huge mortgage to be able to buy again. I pay for absolutely everything at the moment and do all the housework and look after the kids, and I already live from paycheck to to the next without being able to save anything.

Is this the likely outcome or should I speak to another solicitor before instructing one?
Would he be seen as the primary carer as he doesn't work/works PT?
Would the way the custody is split impact finances? Should I aim to have the kids for more than 50% of the time? The solicitor said the eldest would be able to choose where she lives and she doesn't really get on with her dad at the moment (there's been some incidents when he's really shouted at her when she's made a mistake and she now wants to spend most of her time in her room) so I doubt she would want to spend 50% of her time with him.

I have also been diagnosed with a chronic illness, probably brought on by stress or it certainly hasn't helped. At the moment it's under control with medication but who knows about the future, should I emphasise this in the divorce proceedings? Not sure how though as the illness can stay the same for the unforeseeable, or it could flare up five years from now, but of course nobody knows.

Just feeling a bit hopeless. Any advice or thoughts?

Have no idea about finances but get your dc into breakfast club before work. Him doing school runs could see him as main carer. You could end up paying him cms and maintenance..

I think the courts look at parity in the standard both parents can provide for the children over an equal split, so yes I think he could get more and your solicitor is correct about that.

Can you buy him out of your house? That might be cheaper than moving and buying 2 new places?

There is more to life than money and it sounds like there is potential for your career to keep moving forward and you to earn more, I think you'll find it easier than you expect when you divorce. I found it was like having babies - couldn't see how I would afford it but it worked out OK in the end.

Thanks both.

Buying him out is not really an option. The house needs a lot of work (which he said he would get on with if he wasn't working but of course he hasn't!!) and even if I could somehow buy him out there would be nothing left for any renovation works which are desperately needed, the kitchen for example is literally falling apart one cupboard at the time!

I think you should prepare yourself that even he gets a job, he would give it up as soon as divorce was on the cards claiming ill health, just to make life difficult for you.

The divorce legislation in this country sucks when one person is a) lazy, b) ill, or c) a shit financial planner.

My sister recently had to give up half her pension to her idiot ex who is shit with money and hadn't planned for his pension despite having had many more years in which to pay in. No kids or property involved either.

He gave up his job to go self employed and stated he earned less than the outgoings his bank statements disclosed!! His new wife has clearly been hiding the money for him but unless you can afford to fight these things (most can't) there is no way to prove anything.

In my experience, I think the best thing to do is to try to get divorced as amicably as possible. Maybe suggest selling the house and sharing the equity, but keeping your pension? If you earn more you may have to pay him some CMS if the kids are with him more than you. If its the other way round then he may have to pay you but it will be minimal. So it may not be worth claiming any CMS to keep it amicable (that's what I did and it's worked really well). As I earn more than my ex, I let him claim the child benefit (I wasn't entitled to any as I learnt too much), which sweetened the deal for him.

You need to make it sound super fair to him and hope he doesn't get a solicitor involved.

Yes it sucks to have to take on a big mortgage, I had to do it (my mortgage was £2k a month from £784 before the divorce) but it was worth it to keep the house. And now I'm overpaying to clear it off earlier.

Sounds about right giving the income disparity. There’s also no point in manoeuvring to be the primary care giver. You both need homes about the same size. It will only matter on CMS.

His income could be bolstered by UC and CB and yours won’t. That would count towards what he could get as a mortgage. You would both benefit from cooperating to get the best out of this situation rather than playing games and wasting money to get a marginal share of not a lot.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

@AnnaMagnani that good point, I really hope he won't start playing games like that.

@Plankingplanks I couldn't agree more, the divorce law does seem rather flawed. I don't know how much uis pension is exactly but doubt it is more than mine. He used to work full time but was never a high earner. I doubt he would want to have the kids more than 50 %, so hopefully won't have to at least pay him CMS.

@LemonTT thanks for your input. I suppose the solicitor had it right then. I don't want to screw him over but don't want to end up being financially screwed myself either. I will have to look into UC as well, don't know much about benefits so not sure at which stage he could apply for it. I thought he could only get it after he's bought a new home. Pretty sure I will have to find out for him, he doesn't do any of the household admin either. The good thing about that is that he's probably too lazy to get a solicitor for himself as this sort of stuff is always left for me to sort.

@Stuckandunhappy Unfortunately these very forums can be a testimony to the lengths lazy people will go to try and live off someone else after separation, although nowadays the law is starting to catch up with them and imputing an income. Just don't underestimate him finding a solicitor and asking for you to solve his life for him.

It's often surprising to both sexes that marriage literally does mean you will be financially responsible for looking after that person regardless of their behaviour and even if you divorce. A financial order is the only way of breaking that contract.

I wish they explained this when you get married.

I was in this situation. Sadly “fair settlement “ means that settlements are made based on future needs , not past behaviour. It will take you time to accept this, but you will get there

i found looking at the “grief pathway” or “change curve” helpful to make sense of my very confused emotions and help me get to the acceptance point. It also helped me to replace the “fear of the unknown” with actual knowledge of process and likely outcome.

i used the “ADVICE NOW site , linked by MN now above in header

do this. It explains fair settlement, which criteria will need to be met in your case and explains the whole process.
You can do a lot as “diy” as solicitors will run bills very quickly: £240 per hour each. These guides tell you what you need a solicitor for, what you don’t, and what you might need one for.
These guides are brilliant.

Thanks @FSTraining this is why I really hope we can keep things amicable. I am sure the initial shock will bring on the usual silent treatment and other unpleasant behaviour, but hoping he would agree to do what's best for the children and not only think of himself. Sadly he has been incredibly self-centred the last few years, so guess only time will tell.

@MrLbz I also wasn't aware of this until I started researching the whole divorce process, what an unpleasant learning curve it's been..I can safely say that getting married has certainly not been one of my best decisions.

@Appleofmyeye2023 what was the outcome for you? I will try and do as much as I can myself, and I think I will stick with the solicitor I talked to as she also suggested ways to keep the costs down and explained which parts of the process I can do myself and where solicitor is needed. I also naively thought that 50-50 was the way forward but of course have since discovered this is most unlikely in my situation. I have more homework to do with regards to form E and other parts of the process, but trying to gain a better understanding of it all, of which this thread is also a part of.

My current plan is to speak to him early December once he has (hopefully) started his new job, and then fill in the divorce application online once I get paid end of December!!

@Stuckandunhappy good look with everything. After a lengthy fight between solicitors over 3 years I had the final hearing on Friday and was basically accused of being a liar under oath and I've even ordered to sell the house immediately leaving me and my 2 children essentially homeless and he's come away with half the equity and a large share of my pension he never contributed to.

My advice - do things amicably without a solicitor if possible.

Sorry to hear that @Rubystar78, that's awful! The divorce legislation truly sucks in this country!! My friends who live in Europe have all been shocked when I have told them what's the likely outcome.
I will try and minimise the costs and do as much as I can myself, I will be financially screwed as it is! I would love to keep things amicable but have no idea how he will react. I just hope that he would for once put someone else's best interests ahead of his own (I mean the kids), and after the initial shock agree to mediation or whatever may be needed to sort this out.

@Stuckandunhappy I feel for you, put a plan A, B and C together if you can and think about best v worst case scenario.

It's not going to be easy but you deserve to be happy and be respected in your own home.

Mediation is a good start. Avoid solicitors if you can, you'll end up hating one another and paying a hefty fee!