Worn out by our life

[Wornoutmomma79]

Just looking for any advice or anyone in a similar situation.

Have been with my partner 14 years, not married, our relationship was good at the start but due to an early infideltity on my part, has been strained after although we did counselling etc, I don't feel he has ever able to fully trust me again

Despite the underlying tensions, there was enough love there for us to go on and have two amazing children.

Our eldest (daughter) was diagnosed with ASD a few years ago and we have lived under severe amount of strain and pressure since.

As a result our relationship has massively deteriorated to the point where daily life is hard without tension, fighting, disagreement, shouting and arguing.

My OH has recently been diagnosed with complex PTSD relating to his own troubled childhood, he is essentially triggered by our daughters behaviour, causing him to blow up, sometimes quite aggressively in front of the kids

A few weeks ago he smashed our toaster in the kitchen in front of the kids and I thought that was the final straw. He says I am cold and unsupportive but I just can't cope with the amount of pressure I am living under, worrying about his emotional needs, my own and our children, who will always be my number one priority.

We have agreed to separate and I can see this as the only solution for us all to have a happy life but I feel so conflicted about it, it feels like we are giving up but we don't love each other anymore and I want a better life for our kids. My daughter will be a teenager soon and I'm so conscious how much she will be affected by living in this toxic environment if we continue as we are.

Does this sound like the right reason to separate?

The thing for me that I've picked up on is you say you don't love each other anymore. Putting aside every other difficulty surely that's a fundamental to staying together. If that is the case the only other option is to agree to live together as companions indefinitely or until a specified time - ie when your daughter leaves home

I know, what a depressing thought though. I feel like we both deserve better, I don't know I'm so conflicted about the whole thing. Last night I came home after being away for a week with the kids, no food in the fridge but OH had managed to take himself to the shops to get beers. Then when I mention it, it's blown up out of all proportion and somehow my fault. I feel like I'm being gaslighted and it's making me second guess myself constantly when I honestly don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Also just to add some more context, things have been v difficult since he has started trauma therapy for his CPTSD, one day a week he has off work to do this, on those days he is incredibly difficult to be around, when he is triggered his worst he will go into the shed and hide, says he reverts to being a child and thinks about when he used to self harm, or when the kids are fighting he puts a blanket over his head or covers his ears. He says it can't be all his fault that our relationship is failing but all I am doing is trying to do my best and keep strong for the children yet I am expected to take on all of this emtional burden as well when there is no one to support me emotionally, surely life shouldn't be this hard!!

Trauma therapy is hard.

But you can’t have the kids seeing him smashing things up.

I feel for you x

I know and I fully sympathise with his situation but the fact is, our cards our dealt and we have a neurodiverse child who requires constant attention and care, this has to be my priority and that sadly leaves me with nothing left, if I felt more respected and cared for then my attitude towards the whole thing might be v different.
He had 4 months off work due to stress, yet during this time he would continue to frequently go out with his friends to the pub and socialise, yet inside the house he would struggle with parenting, fly off the handle and constantly tell me this was because he was in a mental health crisis. I am a strong person but I don't think this behaviour is fair on anyone. But of course, im the bad person on this situation as I am cold and uncaring.

@Wornoutmomma79

your not cold and uncaring at all but your first priority has to be your children.

it might not be the toaster he smashes up next time what if a child got hurt even by accident ?

are you willing to take that chance ?

He is now just shouting at me again, saying 'look in the mirror this can't all be me",. He left the house last night for hours to go and sleep on the beach. He constantly raises his voice at me in front of the kids, I've been in bed today due to a very heavy period and he wants to go out to his friends to watch rugby, he's now kicked off moaning about having to put our son to bed...this feels like it's turning into an abusive household.

Just leave. When everything is your fault you simply can’t win. He will forever blame you and take no responsibility for his own actions. You’ll be better able to cope with everything else once he’s out of the picture. What’s in this relationship for you?

At the moment absolutely nothing, zero emotional support, zero empathy yet I am expected to be like mother Theresa caring for him and our children when no one is given me a second thought.

We only get one chance at life, get rid of him and start enjoying a more civilised life for you & your dc

He’s a horrible abusive bully and you and your children deserve better. You’re feeling bad and trying to find ways to excuse his behaviour but actually there are no excuses. Me and dh have been together 15 years, one of our dc has severe autism and attends complex needs school, dh has bipolar and I have multiple physical health issues. Both of us had abusive childhoods and have no contact with either of our families. If he or I ever smashed up a toaster or shouted aggressively it would be the end.

You deserve much more.