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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Abusive Ex or did I make a mistake ?

14 replies

SingleDepressedLonely · 28/10/2023 11:38

My marriage to my ex husband ended 7 years ago and we have a 8 year old son whilst I’m happy with how I am raising him single handedly I can’t help but feel did I mess up my life by being so arrogant and stubborn?

I was married to a verbally abusive man for 4 years but he had other good traits about him. He provided to the best he could and he was a brilliant father to our son. I was massively influence by my family members at the time and thought divorce was the way forward

i did wonder for many years have i done the right thing by not giving my marriage another attempt ? I don’t know if I’m over him or if I will ever get over him. I can see he has moved on with his life and remarried a much younger, prettier, skinnier, lady. I hate that he has moved on with his life and they seem very happy as I hear my son tell me about his dads new relationship and how happy they are and how great and loving his new step mum is.

I am lonely and depressed and I have gained a lot of weight in the last couple of years, I never realised him remarrying would push me over the edge and I’m struggling to meet new people as none will ever compare to him. I feel lost depressed and sad!

now I sit here and think about our marriage was it really that bad? Did I make a big mistake, seeing what he is doing for his new wife? Can she not see the monster I saw back then? Is he treating her better than he treated me? Does he still feel any thing for me? Is there even an ounce of feelings left for me?

I know he will never have me back because of everything I have put him through (court battle) but is it still worth me pursuing this or should I just close the chapter and move on? I really want to tell him how I feel and if we could give it a try for the sake of our son but these words might do more damage to me mentally

just looking for some advise/guidance from people in a similar situation

thank you

OP posts:

Iwasafool · 28/10/2023 11:43

If he's happy with his new partner you shouldn't do it, it will almost inevitably end with a rejection and just make you feel worse.

Maybe try to improve your life, get fit, lose weight, make some friends to have fun with. Good luck.

shardash · 28/10/2023 11:48

He was verbally abusive towards the mother of his son. That means he was not such a brilliant dad as you thought he was. Good fathers do not abuse their child's mum.

Anyway, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, and his new partner might not be as happy in the relationship as it appears to your ds when he visits.

It really is time for you to move on. You did not make a mistake, and forever wondering what might have been, or whether anything could be rekindled, is not good for your mental health.

Shortpoet · 28/10/2023 12:11

Sounds like you are really down.

I’m wondering, what is making you blame yourself for the court battle? Could it really have been settled amicably?

Also, don’t believe the hype about his new relationship. You don’t really know what is going on.

Original poster

SingleDepressedLonely · 28/10/2023 13:43

It probably could have been settled in a better manner but I was hurt and I am still hurt as to how things have ended and I just wanted to see him suffer. Maybe I didn’t go the right way about it but I can’t seem to let go of the past and am struggling to move on. I find it so unfair that he has managed to move on so swiftly with this new women leaving my life a mess. I just want to find some closure and stop self destruction

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleDepressedLonely · 28/10/2023 13:47

As for his new relationship his quick to defend her and always praises her and her situation with her ex. How great she is and how her past relationships aren’t dictating her present! It makes me so angry seeing them travelling together while he showed no interest in me when we was together. Its just not fair

I’m doing the best I can for my son and I feel like I don’t get enough credit for my efforts.

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleDepressedLonely · 28/10/2023 13:51

I know what your saying but apart from his anger and temper issues and the verbal abuse he was actually a nice guy and I know you might think I’m deluded but it seems so small now as I have thought about it over the years! Could I had seeked some professional help for him and made him a better person? Helped his anger issues ? I really am confused and I would love to slowly start building a more amicable relationship with the father but don’t know how to go about it and right now we don’t see eye to eye

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleDepressedLonely · 28/10/2023 13:54

I have been trying to move on for a while now dating doesn’t seem the same no more

I am an overachiever and I just feel like the men out there these days will never compare to my success and what I have done over these past few years as a single mum

I'm scared to meet a wrongen and put myself and my son through hell again

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 14:16

was it really that bad? Yes. People don't walk out of marriages with toddlers on a whim
Did I make a big mistake, seeing what he is doing for his new wife? Nom. You're only seeing the view from outside the window
Can she not see the monster I saw back then? Possibly, maybe she thinks she deserves it or should suck it up or has to be the one to fix him. Maybe she just doesn't realise it's abuse
Is he treating her better than he treated me? Maybe, maybe not. Of he is it'll be about learning and growth, not worth.
Does he still feel any thing for me? Is there even an ounce of feelings left for me? Unlikely to be apart from as his kids Mom

is it still worth me pursuing this no
should I just close the chapter and move on? Yes
I really want to tell him how I feel and if we could give it a try for the sake of our son but these words might do more damage to me mentally don't.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 14:18

SingleDepressedLonely · 28/10/2023 13:51

APART from?? So if your son marries a girl who gets angry at him, has temper issues and is verbally abusive, will you tell him to suck it up?
You say there's no men good enough out there for you but want to get back with an abusive ex who's moved on with someone else.

Reugny · 28/10/2023 14:23

OP you need to move on, he has.

Also some couples bring out the worse in one or each other.

So as he was abusive to you once he will be abusive to you again

Didsomeonesaydogs · 28/10/2023 15:55

Oh op - I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Questioning whether it really was abuse is very common.

I think it would be really useful for you to read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft to get some perspective on your ex’s behaviour towards you while you were together.

Men do not have anger issues, they have abuse issues. I will bet you were the only person who was on the receiving end of his mistreatment and that he managed to control his “anger issues” when he was at work, with his friends or in any other interaction that he valued.

As we all know, the life we present to others is not the full story. Even if he is husband of the year right now, this honeymoon period will only last until reality sets in and he’s not getting his own way all the time.

Moving on doesn’t necessarily mean partnering up with someone new. Taking time for yourself and learning to be genuinely happy alone before looking for somebody to share it with leads to far healthier relationships in the future.

Tosca23 · 28/10/2023 19:52

What’s done is done. No one can turn back time. It does sound like your relationship had issues. All you can do is focus on yourself and living your best life. Aim for better not bitter. I don’t think there is any mileage in telling your ex how you feel as that relationship is done and gone. Let it go.

Dating is tough and there are lots of wrong uns unfortunately. However nothing ventured nothing gained so if you want to find love again you will have to put yourself out there, join clubs and meet-up groups etc.

Focus on what makes you happy, the rest will follow.

Sorchamarie · 28/10/2023 20:05

"I know what your saying but apart from his anger and temper issues and the verbal abuse he was actually a nice guy"

OP, I mean this kindly, as you're obviously hurting and I don't want to kick you when you're down, but you clearly have very very skewed ideas of what a healthy relationship looks like or even what constitutes a nice person. This is not your fault. Being abused by loving you love absolutely messes up your brain. Someone who is verbally abusive is categorically NOT a nice guy. He is someone who pretends to be nice when it suits him. Absolutely well done for getting yourself and your child out of this bad situation. Please try to get some therapy or do the freedom program so you can finally free yourself mentally from this man. I wish you well.

PaperDoIIs · 28/10/2023 20:26

The thing is , sometimes two people that might be ok on their own/with different people can be awful together. Or they're at a different stage of their lives. That's why they can have ok relationships with someone else.

He might be lovely to her, but he wasn't to you. He was abusive . That's not your fault. She's not better than you. He just wasn't a good fit for you and you deserved better. You still do.

You don't want him, you want the him he is with her. You can't have that. What you'll get is still the abusive prick.

It's time to shut that door and stop wondering what if. You know the answer to that, more abuse and possibly escalation.

Work on yourself and your self esteem, do nice things for yourself and you'll get there.

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