Birdnesting

[Pumpkin101]

Partner and I have been together 17 years, never married, two children, 1 primary and 1 secondary school age. Moved to our 2nd home a few years ago, huge mortgage increase this year (thanks Liz Truss) which is stretching the budget.

Sadly it seems separation is likely due to some ongoing issues we can't seem to get past. No DV, no betrayal... But both unhappy and the atmosphere at home is becoming unmanageable. We are arranging some counselling but I'm looking at options.

Financially things look tricky due to mortgage increase.

It's very early days and I need to do a lot more research about selling up, etc, but I've been wondering about 'birdnesting'... Where my partner and I alternate between our home and a friend's/family - we both have this available to us. Would this be easier financially and emotionally for the children?

Interested to hear if anyone has made this work... Pros and cons.

Thank you.

I've experience of clients doing this and it is easier on the children. However it all depends on what the issues are that have caused the separation in the first place. For example, a partner who is failing to pull their weight in the home is unlikely to start doing it when you are not there. So a lot of the household chores are still left to be managed by the person who traditionally always did them. You would need clear rules and boundaries around who is responsible for what.

It is very disruptive and exhausting to shlep between two homes but perhaps an insight into what we expect children and teenagers to do as a matter of course.

Whatever you decide to do the most important thing is to keep conflict to a minimum . One of the best ways to do this is to sit down at the very start of the separation and create a Parenting/Separation Plan.

I don’t have experience, but have read previous discussions on MN about this. The consensus seems to be that it can work as a short term thing to make the transition easier for DC, but a) only if all is amicable b) only if you can rely on him to pull his weight domestically so you’re not left with a tip/no laundry done/no food etc and c) set a deadline, as it will not work long term (new partners for examples).

Also if one of you doesn’t really want to separate then this is a dangerous approach as can lead to them thinking it’s not a split and just hanging out at the family house when it’s not their time.

I think if you can make this work and are willing to then it’s far better for the children, and save a the issue around squabbles about who has what clothes and toys where.
but it only works if you have your own bedroom the other person doesn’t go in and as a previous I poster said if they do their fair share of the work/don’t leave it for the other.
you can be together for things like birthdays and Christmas if you can bare it.
Had a friend who went on holiday with ex, they hired 2 caravans next to each other and shared the kids sleeping. They also spend Christmas Day together for the kids. I think that’s so healthy and lovely, but appreciate the majority of people split for a reason and it would never work.

Thank you. Some good points to think about there.

My parents separated when I was in high school, I did the toing and froing. I think I'd much rather do that now instead of making my kids do it.

I can see us being reasonable with each other. We are both on board with housework/chores. The agreed plan/timescale is a good thing to keep in mind should we go ahead with it.

Thank you.

There's also no need to stop bird nesting when a new partner comes into the picture. I think lots of children would be much less damaged if we moved away from the idea that romantic partners had to live together full time. Many parents still birdnest and stay with the new partner on their "away" days. It might be actually more damaging for the children's relationship with the parent who demonstrates respect for their children's stability and routine by birds nesting up until they point they meet a gf or bf and then suddenly their child's needs become less important to them.

It's also worth remembering that research has shown that the more changes post separation, the more difficult it becomes for the child to cope with those changes.

Oh yes, sorry I meant new live in partner. Not new partner who you only see when “away”.

It sounds like a horrible way live but is what is inflicted on most of the children of separated parents.

What happens when you're both ready to move on, have new dates/ partners etc, are you going to take them back to the relatives house?

I am doing this currently. We had 8 months post split of living together before we told the children, then I couldn't handle living with him anymore. It's been 5 months of nesting. It's so great for the children. I can barely handle all the moving and packing and unpacking, especially as my life right now requires me to then go overnight to a different city in the middle of my times away from the kids, but if I wasn't doing it they would have to.

It is so much better for the children. My XH is a dick and I can't stand his disgustingness and lack of respect for me, but he is perfectly competent in the domestic and mental load spheres. I hate the moving and hate that I don't yet have my space without him, but it looks like that could be close to a year away. I just have too many moving parts (and can't qualify for a mortgage right now) to get my own place big enough for everyone.

Did it for 4 years and it was good. If you are both capable of the emotional demands it places then I would recommend it.

Thank you.

Today has been bleak thinking it all through. We've discussed counselling but it feels like .. we're saying it just cos we should. I think we know where we're headed. I want to try the nesting. Tentative steps towards this now.