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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

How to move on without accountability or apology

12 replies

user1469990255 · 24/10/2023 22:37

my husband had an affair, he won’t admit it, but I know he did it. He’s with her now, we split 8 weeks ago, and he’s already been on holiday with her and to a wedding she was bridesmaid at. He constantly lies (still) about where he is but I keep catching him out on lies.
He pretty much blames me for our marriage breakdown. Said I didn’t try, we just existed with each other, and I do take that to a point. We weren’t happy but for the past year he has had depression and walked in and out atleast 10 times saying he needed space from us (Me and 2 dc) and kept coming back and saying he didn’t want to lose us and like an idiot I kept letting him. But each time he left, he chipped more away, and I feel like I had nothing left. So I probably didn’t try much towards the end, but he takes no accountability for any of it.
I was there for whatever he needed, he needed space he could have it, if he couldn’t deal with the kids, I stepped up and I listened. He know says he couldn’t talk to me, and I just reacted when he talked. I’m not saying I’m completely blameless in everything and I probably did contribute tk his depression if I was hard to talk too. But I’m struggling with the fact he had an affair he won’t admit too and then blames me for our marriage breaking down. He takes no accountability to any of it. How do I learn to move on and get closure from this. I feel like he’s left me feeling rock bottom, questioning my worth and whether I am good enough.
sorry for the rant ☹️

OP posts:

AltheaVestr1t · 24/10/2023 22:48

I completely understand why you're angry, but I think what you need to do is just to let go of the idea that you will get what you need from STBXH. You can't control him, and he won't change. It was this realisation that led me to separate in the first place. If he was able to give you what you need (in your case, fidelity and accountability), you wouldn't be separating.

It's not easy to train your brain to let go of the anger, but it is very freeing. It sounds like you are well shot of him. Put your energies into planning a new life for yourself instead.

AJReadman76 · 24/10/2023 22:50

Gosh this could be me writing this. I found out my husband was having an affair for 4 months. He never admitted it someone told me. Since then I've had no apology or explanation. He's moved on and expects me and my children to have done the same.
I'm struggling with it all
It's the lack of accountability that hurts.

ReadySalty · 24/10/2023 22:51

The lies and the cheating are the closure.

You know what your intellect and intuition tell you.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/10/2023 22:53

"The day you are willing to take account for your behaviour and what it did to me, we can talk. Until then I'm not interested in your fairy tales."

ConnieTucker · 24/10/2023 22:55

Why does it matter? Anyone asks you tell them the marriage ended as he was having an affair. He is with her now. He isnt even hiding it. So he can lie but he is with the ow now.

vipersnest1 · 24/10/2023 23:49

I agree with PP.
My XH had more than one affair - I know of at least two, but there are probably more. The decree absolute was granted around twenty two years into our marriage, so you can see I hung on a long time, trying to put things right even though he didn't want to, or couldn't be bothered to. He even took me to court for a financial settlement,which didn't go in his favour! 🤣
The ultimate insult was that his OW's mum spread a rumour that I was the one who cheated. This was fed back to my DF by someone who had it direct from OW's mother after I had told him to get out (he took nearly three months to leave as that suited him), the second time that he had cheated (that I know about).
You can't make his wrong right, @user1469990255, nor should you accept any blame or shame from it - that's all on him.
I suspect you have had your self-esteem chipped away at by him (gaslighting is a favourite MO by this type of man) until you have very little of your former self left.
The first thing you need to do is find your anger: how fucking dare he treat you like that? You're a person who is worth far more, and he made a commitment to you that he has now broken. Work from that strong place to find a way forward for you and your DC.
If you are still in your home that you shared with him, make some changes that you have wanted to make the home yours.
Find yourself a good solicitor who specialises in family law. They'll take him to town and make him regret it, as he should.

Morewineplease10 · 25/10/2023 00:22

How will a solicitor 'make him regret it'? There is no accountability in divorce law.

Sadly.

OP, the answer to this one is time I'm afraid. It's a long hard road. He's wronged you and disrespected you further by gaslighting. I found it truly unbearable for well over a year. Hopefully it won't be as bad for you.

Talk to your trusted friends. Have as little contact with him as possible. Stop asking him (if indeed you are) for closure. You won't get it and it'll make you feel worse. Get therapy if you can and do lots of lovely things for you and your kids.

And trust that one day you'll be OK, as hard as that may be to believe now.

millymollymoomoo · 25/10/2023 12:08

While he’s wrong for the affair it sounds based on what you say like the marriage was all but over. You admit it here so yes he shouldn’t have done it it’s the nail
in the coffin rather than the cause of breakdown.

focus on moving toward and starting your new life from here rather than apportioning blame

Topsyturvy33 · 25/10/2023 12:18

You are most definitely good enough.

As others have said focus on yourself and healing. There is a strong chance you will be in shock as it is still very new.

I felt like you did, eventually got the apology, realise it was worthless and i didn't need it anyways!

FSTraining · 25/10/2023 17:02

user1469990255 · 24/10/2023 22:37

Lots of classic signs of "affair brain" from your husband, especially this one:

Said I didn’t try, we just existed with each other, and I do take that to a point.

You will never, never get them to admit they were in the wrong or apologise. Focus on yourself and find a way to feel lucky to be free of him.

The thing you must keep telling yourself is that you are not the person who is broken here, he is. That's on him, not you. And most affairs end in failure and his probably will too.

Maze76 · 26/10/2023 00:09

My ex husband did the same, had an affair, blames me, said I made his life a misery, I wasn’t there for him etc… it’s actually a very common thing cheaters do? They create a false narrative to justify the affair and ease any guilt they may feel.

I too questioned my worth, but a year later I see more clearly and understand that his actions had absolutely nothing to do with me, this is all down to his choices.

You probably won’t ever get an explanation or an apology- and as much as it would be nice to receive one, it really won’t make any difference.
Just remember that his actions have caused this- you are worth more than what he can give you and you deserve so much better than a lying cheating snake.
You are going to be ok.

Original poster

user1469990255 · 26/10/2023 10:22

Thanks for all of your replies.
our marriage was definitely struggling but I don’t think it was all but over. I thought if he had the space he needed to get better I would get the old him back. I was physically and emotionally exhausted because he kept leaving and coming back and I thought once he’d had the space things would build back up between us. I had lost motivation but I still wanted our marriage to work but I felt like I had tried everything I could so felt like I had nothing left and hoped he would start trying.

I never thought he would have an affair, so many people have suggested it over the last year and I always said he wasn’t the type of person to do it, now I feel like a fool.

my son (10) is struggling with it all, so I’m trying to be civil to make it easier for my DC. They are my world and I don’t want them to feel more hurt than they already are.

OP posts:

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