I’m trying to pluck up the courage to tell my husband it’s over

[SikaPo]

I’m upstairs and trying to make myself go back down to the living room to tell my husband that we can’t carry on like this anymore. It’s not a functional marriage. I dread the thought of a future with him. Our kids are picking up on the unhappiness. My daughter (13) told me that she wants to live alone with her child when she grows up. (Not sure on how she plans to get a child while living alone…) I need to force myself to be brave and go and tell him. Now. Or I could just go to bed and lie awake knowing I’m too chicken to face up to it. Wake up tomorrow to another day of irritation and sniping. Where do I find the courage to do this?

What's your plan?
Are you going to ask him to leave?
Are you going to leave?
What's the situation with your daughter?
Have you thought through finances?

I think your little girl just gave you the courage. Set the right example for her and show her putting yourself first in a relationship like this is what to do.

I remember that feeling well OP. I chose not to tell him at night so I could leave during the day if I had to. I figured it was easier to leave during the day. Make sure you have all the paperwork to take with you, passports, birth certificates, marriage certificates etc. Change any passwords he knows for your phone, online banking etc before you tell him, keep yourself safe. It’s such a scary thing to do but once you do it it’ll probably feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders tbh. Never underestimate how they’ll react is my advice, he could agree or could turn nasty, just be prepared for any of the two scenarios.

@dickdarstardlymuttley finances are top of my mind. I’m absolutely in a hole. He earns loads and pays the mortgage. I work part time and don’t earn enough to even pay tax. Would have to sell the house - I paid most of the deposit and put redundancy money into home improvements so no qualms about splitting house 50/50 but wouldn’t get a mortgage on my own now. Would need to get F/t job - more change for the kids right when they would be dealing with divorcing parents. Have just been reading other posts about divorcing. Maybe I should just suck it up and get through the next 5-10 years with him. Don’t think he’ll end it without me pushing for it.
Daughter hates him, I think it’s fair to say. I think she’d thrive without him around. But she’d have to see him on a weekend wouldn’t she. He’s crap with her. He’s crap with all of us. But our standard of living would be crap without his money. I hate this.

@fairymary87 that made me cry. She makes me want to do it to show her that people shouldn’t stay in miserable relationships. It’s not that simple though is it. I think I need the advice of a divorce lawyer.

@SikaPo it doesn't have to be done over night. But you'll get it done. My mum left my dad and it taught me a lot. I never settled and waited till my late 20's. It taught me a lot and seeing her know her worth was empowering looking back. I saw her pick up herself. Her strength and it was difficult. There were hard time but I respect her so much for it. Where as my aunt stayed with her husband. One of her daughter is an alcoholic with an older man. And the other is on her second baby daddy and they are having difficulties etc. you've got this. You've taken the first step into doing this just by posting. I'm sorry I made you cry. But like pp have said I'd follow there advice. I'm just speaking as a daughter here. I'm a new mum and if down the line my relationship falls flat I'll make sure I do right by her too. You're going to be ok xxx

@WinterQueenie oh crap I didn’t think of it like that. He’s not nasty like that but then… I’ve never told him I want to break our family up. Maybe late at night isn’t the right time to suddenly drop the bomb. But I think, surely he must have some clue? He’s an intelligent man, and I’m not very good at hiding my general dislike of him. I do wonder sometimes if he’s waiting for me to speak up first because he doesn’t want to be the one to end it. It would be a weight lifted, I’d love a life without him in my face every day. But the practicalities… having read other posts and knowing single mums, it seems far from easy. Would my kids be happy living in some rented house with me, having to go to grandparents or childminder after school because I’m at work now I can’t afford to only work part time? When I have to say no to all the stuff they want? When only their dad can afford to take them out? My god, I feel like I’m selling my soul here. Staying for the money.

I don’t think you should tell him this weekend. See a solicitor first. Find out precisely where you stand. You might be able to get a Mesher order but you’d need proper legal advice.

I don’t think that a teenager would be compelled to spend every weekend with him tbh. Courts do take older children’s wishes into account.

Working part time means that you are in a stronger position to look for ft work than someone who’s not working outside of the home. You have recent skills, contacts etc.

You will be fine. But don’t rush.

@fairymary87 thank you so much for taking the time to post back. Don’t be sorry for making me cry, I need it. I’m in turmoil. I totally get all the things you’ve said. I want to be that strong mum for her, and my son, he’s only 8, but what’s he learning? He’s never seen his dad and me hug or be loving. He’s very protective of me - he told his dad off the other day for shouting at me. He wasn’t even shouting tbh, we were just griping at each other. It’s not healthy for them to see parents who only ever criticise each other, I know that. Thank you. I need to find out my rights. He still has to pay for his kids - I don’t want his money for myself.

Find out first where you stand with earnings and what you put in the house you could get more than 50/50 plus how about other assets such as pensions etc

and your childrens wishes will be taken into account your daughter doesn’t have to see him

No advice but I'm in the same situation. Posted about it, got good advice but still can't find the words. It's hard.

@OrangesLemonsLimes thank you. I’m so glad I posted on here. Going downstairs now to tell him feels like something I need to do but would be highly emotional and reactive. Plus I think he’s had a couple of beers by now so that wouldn’t be a clear conversation. I don’t want to take the kids away from him, he does love them but is really rubbish at connecting with them. He’s very rigid. I suspect his main issue with separation will be money and it being fair for him financially. I’ve googled and found a family solicitor who gives a free initial evaluation so that’s where I’ll head first before sitting him down.

@LikeRobbieSays I’m so sorry you’re in this situation too. It really sucks. Trying to start the conversation feels like standing on the edge of a black hole. No idea where it’ll go. If I didn’t have kids I’d have no hesitation, I’d be out the door, don’t care about the house or money. Just need to protect them as much as I can.
I’ll keep posting. Let me know if you manage to sort your situation out. I hope you do.

It’s got to be said sooner or later I nursed my thoughts for along time then one Christmas I just said it he thought I was just saying it for saying sake
it got easier after that I was in a different situation to you and had a lot to lose .
having an autistic child nonverbal who will be reliant on me for the rest of her life was a reason to stay ...but I knew if I stayed I’d die much earlier and that wouldn’t be helpful either
i just knew one wasn’t put on the earth to die miserable
ive done it live in the family house paid him off but this is the best thing that’s happened truly you couldn’t imagine
i have 2older children in their 20s now and I do feel they are slightly scarred .
Ever so often they say how nice everything is without him
they have very little to do with hi
of note we had 2properties but in full time jobs Always had savings but saved even more I wanted to protect my pension for obvious reason ,Hired a good team of lawyers and my pension was not touched .
things worked in my favour He was given a fair share had the rental property as well as a flat he owned had no interest in anything that was his.
i paid a bit more to balance it out I think he had 47 percent but this was without my pension it was done sensitively and fairly this was during the lock down
should have said he was a secret gambler,awful person blamed me constantly for our daughters needs .
it was awful rethinking it makes me really sad.
just want you to take courage .
nothing will change unless you want it to
I’m living a great life I’m not stressing about him we were married over 20 years.
my stress is about my daughter where it should be I’m happy happy happy .
coming home without my heart pounding.Hating his smell his laziness his awfulness his arguing his refusal to contribute
we were in 2 separate rooms Thank God for that.
Do you know the story of Farmer Duck it’s a child’s story..
yep that’s how it felt ...
you can do it when the time is right you will act on it
Do tell him what can he do nothing worse than your going through at the moment .

I sat down and explained how unhappy I am and that I think he is too, and the upshot is that he is unhappy but doesn’t want to split. He thinks we have different physical needs - true. He thinks we don’t talk enough - true. I left out the bit about me just not liking him, it felt too mean to say when he was already quite upset. Somehow I’ve agreed to try counselling. Maybe it’s the right thing to do, for the sake of the kids. On the plus side I’ve applied for a full time job so I at least feel like I’ve done something positive if counselling doesn’t work and we do end up separating.

I'm so sorry. It's not a nice situation, I've been there. Although you're giving counselling a go, remember in the end to put yourself and your kids first. Your happiness and your kids happiness is the most important factor here.
If you end up separating, definitely make use of solicitors' free hours. Also use this to make sure you have everything prepared beforehand. It'll make things easier for you - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/

The rest of the help guides may also be helpful to you if you need to save money. It can guide you to do it yourself (or some by yourself e.g. forms and then leaving some for your solicitor so you can still have help and keep costs low). https://iamlip.com/
Sending love to you and your kids xxxx

It doesn’t need to be over
dont do that
have a break and then talk about things

@Anita848 thank you so much for those links, that’s a really useful read and food for thought.